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I tune in to what I am saying to myself and am absolutely horrified. ‘What’s wrong with you – why can’t you pull yourself together?’ or ‘you’re so stupid, you made a mess of that’ or ‘you just can’t get it right can you?’ Hearing these words stops me dead. They are the words I grew up hearing, but this time they’re coming from inside me. I’ve spent decades seeing therapists and taking part in personal growth groups, reading self-help books, filling journals with my thoughts, doing self-esteem exercises and still I think like this! Not nearly as much as I used to, but even so it shows how deep these comments cut when decades after first hearing them they can still ambush me.What I do when I realise I’m giving myself a hard time is switch to a self-nurturing voice. There are a number of options:
1/ the caring friend who says ‘you’re tired. Have a lie down. When did you last eat? It could be that you’re hungry. You’ll feel better after a meal. Just look after yourself.’
2/ the wise advisor who helps me solve my problems and says things like ‘it looks like you’re a bit overloaded with stuff at the moment. How about you try and offload some of it? It’s not going to be the end of the world if you don’t get some of it done.’
3/ the voice of my strong, courageous self who says things like ‘you can do it – you’ve done much harder things than this’, and
4/ the voice of the part of me who admires and likes me, and sees me in a positive way, who encourages and praises me with words like ‘you are really good at that’ or ‘you did a great job of handling that difficult situation’.
I actually have a poster on my wall with the name of each type of supportive voice inside a different shape in a different bright colour. So when I get tired or stressed or something goes wrong and I start to fall into the habit of trash talking to myself I can take a quick look at it and be reminded of how to speak to myself in a nurturing, supportive way. I find that as soon as I do this I feel a lot better.
Kaye,
ReplyDeletethis is such an interesting entry on such a painful issue. As you point out, it helps to become aware that these voices aren't actually ours, but our parent's voices that we've internalised...And, by the way, this is noone's fault...
Now, I'm wondering, is it better to listen to your own inner voice or to someone else's? I suppose you could also imagine someone you love coming up with the same soothing comments, be it a grandmother, a mentor and so on. But would that amount to relying on other people to switch our inner light back on? Do you think it would be better to develop our own inner voices?
And how about getting people you love to record genuine messages on tape? As long as it's genuine, would it be ok? Or again, would this show some excessive reliance on the outer world for our happiness?
Now, I've got an (unrelated) idea for you. You're three people in one:
- a marvellous raconteur
- a competent researcher
- a person who shows great aesthetic appreciation
Could you be the three together, and tell us 'stories of the brain', with the same lyrism you show when describing the beauty of a frosty morning? Doesn't the brain exhibit the beauty and mystery of nature, anyway?
Kaye, Please tell us happy stories of the brain.
What's our brain like when we savour a cup of tea?
What's our brain like when we experience a UPO? What's our brain like when we fall in love? What's our brain like when a kind voice whispers soothing words to our ears?
What's our brain like when we meditate?
So, it wouln't stories of science a la Bill Bryson, but happy stories of the mind, a la Kaye M.
I hope you'll like my idea!!
What do you think dear readers?
Take care
J.
PS: The best advice I've ever been given is 'Be kind to yourself'. This is such a helpful thing to say to oneself...
You don't fool me by signing yourself as J! I know who it is! I'm not sure that I know enough about what the brain looks like when we do things to tell a story about it, but I could do some research and find out. It's an interesting idea.
ReplyDeleteI think that getting people who love us to record their positive views in writing or on tape is a great idea. Also remembering what such people have said to us in the past.
I don't think it's necessary to be too stringent about making ourselves feel happy in regard to this. We're not completely separate beings. As long as we don't need to constantly please others or seek approval in order to feel good I don't think there is any harm in using the positive things others have said to us to build up our positive view of ourselves. The important thing is that we can say positive things to ourselves even when no one is there - and believe them. It doesn't matter if those positive things come from others, from a survey or from our own observations.