Seeing ourselves as positively as others do

We are much more wonderful than we usually give ourselves credit for. So many people I know simply don’t see all the great things about them that other people can see. I know I’m one of these people. I have to work really hard to stay focused on my strengths, achievements, talents and skills. If I don’t do this I can fall into the old habit I learned from my earliest days - focusing on what I did wrong, what about me isn’t up to standard, and what my personal defects are.

I remember when I first realised that my view of myself was completely unrealistic. It was during my first severe period of depression. I had spotted a review of a book that sounded really helpful and asked my mother to buy it for me. This book (Know your Strengths and be Confident by Iris Barrow) told me to write down lists of my positive qualities, achievements and skills – EVEN IF they were not perfect, or I only tried to do them. The ‘even if’ allowed me to put aside my extremely high standards that led to me discounting most of the positives about myself.

As I wrote the lists I was amazed to see how long they were. With shock I realised how skewed and distorted my idea of myself was. I saw myself as a failure, hopeless, someone who fucked everything up. My lists told a different – much more realistic – story. Of course, other people could see these positives and probably assumed I could too. But my learned habit of focusing on the negatives about me, however tiny, blowing them up and then ignoring or discounting the real positives had led to a picture of myself that was totally out of synch with reality.

Two other resources I've found really helpful in building up a realistic picture of myself are the book Self-esteem by Patrick Fanning and Matthew McKay and the Strengths Questionnaire on the authentic happiness website.