Good things for the last week

• I had a great time at my friend’s farewell on Friday night, met some interesting new people and enjoyed the singing and dancing and speeches
• Standing on the beach in the dark last night with the wind whistling past my ears and the dog racing round ecstatically
• I got the kid across the road into a kick boxing class
• An enjoyable consultation with my very nice doctor, talking about how much better I’m feeling and how great it is to live in the country
• My article about bisexuality was published on gaynz.com to a positive response
• Lovely relaxed Saturday morning visiting the local farmer’s market, library, supermarket and video shop
• I made a big pot of pumpkin soup and froze it
• Doing an interview about bisexuality on the G&T breakfast show with Ross and Lexi
• Watching Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords and the film ‘Starter for 10’
• Visiting friends in Tauranga and having a lovely time chatting about psychology and books
• Making custard squares with the kids across the road - messy, chaotic, but fun and with a delicious end result! (although not quite as flash looking as the picture)
  
• Lying in bed after a bubble bath reading the Sunday papers and enjoying the feeling of not having to do anything else that day

Uplifted by the natural world – pour mon ami F

One of the benefits of having a dog is that it encourages me to go for walks. On our way to a local city to attend a writing group and see my mother a few weeks ago I stopped at a lay by near a stream to let him stretch his legs. A warm sun shone down on us despite it being winter, and there was hardly any breeze. We parked beside a shallow stream running over golden stones, sending up glints where the rocks broke the water. When I was a child I saw stones like these as jewels – amber, tiger’s eyes – because they seemed to glow. Along the edge of the stream were trees – poplars, willows and others – many of them bare. A a few evergreens provided colour.

As we walked along the short grass beside the stream a fantail flitted out of one of the bare trees, spread the fan of feathers at its tail, and twisted and turned in mid-air. I gazed as it changing direction instantaneously, spiralling, spinning, falling then recovering. Barney was more interested in finding a good smelly bit of mud to roll in but I was entranced. Another fantail joined it for an acrobatic duet in mid-air, poised over the stream. I feel such pleasure and joy in natural surroundings – they lift me up when I’m down. That day I was happy to start with but the trees, the stream, the sun and the birds enhanced my pleasure in life.

Knowing and using personal strengths increases happiness

When we know what our top strengths are and use them in different ways to normal happiness increases and depression decreases. So Dr Martin Seligman and colleagues found recently (to see the study go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu and look for the article by Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson).

What does this mean in practice? According to the VIA Survey of Character Strengths I did on 2nd March this year my top five strengths are:

1. Appreciation of beauty and excellence
2. Bravery and valour
3. Creativity, ingenuity and originality
4. Fairness, equity and justice, and
5. Curiosity and interest in the world.

(To find out your own top strengths go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu, fill out a simple registration and click on the test. There is a long and a brief version. The website keeps your results so you can look back over the years and see how they’ve changed.)

Now that I know what my top strengths are the next step is to work out a way to use them differently than normal. Given that my number three strength is creativity it should be a cinch to work this out, but I must admit I’m scratching my head a bit! OK, let’s take number one. I normally indulge my appreciation of beauty and excellence by ooh-ing and ah-ing over the natural world – trees, flowers, sunsets etc. I very rarely go to a museum or art gallery, although I usually enjoy it when I do. I could aim to go to Waikato Museum or find an art gallery in Hamilton and look at some exhibits there. That would be a different use of that strength from usual. OK so my mission should I choose to accept it (which I do) is to go to a museum or art gallery – I’ll report back on what I feel as a result.

Cognitive therapy made easy

If you look at a self-help book on cognitive therapy it can look a bit overwhelming and difficult. But it’s actually a lot easier than it looks. Also, some people find that writing down their upsetting thoughts makes them feel worse, so they avoid doing it. That’s probably because they believe these thoughts, and so focusing on them makes them feel bad. It’s a real shame because for me changing negative, destructive thoughts for ones that are more supportive and fair to myself can make a huge difference to my mood. I’ve found a couple of strategies that really help me do it quickly and easily without feeling worse.

1/ building up my positive mood before I consider my thoughts by watching a funny or uplifting movie or play or spending time with someone who makes me feel good: this puts me in a good space to look at my ‘stinking thinking’ and immunise myself against it a bit more. Not only that, but research has found that positive emotions help people think more clearly and creatively, which is good for spotting thinking errors and replacing them with new thoughts. ‘Why bother with the cognitive work?’ I hear you ask. ‘Why not just do the funny movie?’ It’s because I’ve found that my thoughts are HUUGE in making me feel bad so changing my thinking really helps me feel better and protects me against future depression.

2/ asking myself some key questions that cue me into looking at things differently: Look ma, no writing! It can be done in written form but I find it works just as well doing it in my head. My favourite questions are:

Am I focusing on the negatives and ignoring the positives?
Am I catastrophising? Is there a chance things might not be as bad as I think?
Am I criticising myself? What can I say to myself that is nurturing and supportive?
Am I blaming myself for things that aren’t my fault? What are ALL the reasons this bad thing happened, including what other people did?
Am I predicting negatives that might not happen? What are the positives that could happen (including things that have actually happened before)?

It could be worth putting this list somewhere you can easily see it, like behind your bedroom door, to remind you what to ask yourself next time you’re feeling down.

Using a supportive voice to yourself

Sometimes I tune in to what I am saying to myself and am absolutely horrified. ‘What’s wrong with you – why can’t you pull yourself together?’ or ‘you’re so stupid, you made a mess of that’ or ‘you just can’t get it right can you?’ Hearing these words stops me dead. They are the words I grew up hearing, but this time they’re coming from inside me. I’ve spent decades seeing therapists and taking part in personal growth groups, reading self-help books, filling journals with my thoughts, doing self-esteem exercises and still I think like this! Not nearly as much as I used to, but even so it shows how deep these comments cut when decades after first hearing them they can still ambush me.

What I do when I realise I’m giving myself a hard time is switch to a self-nurturing voice. There are a number of options:

1/ the caring friend who says ‘you’re tired. Have a lie down. When did you last eat? It could be that you’re hungry. You’ll feel better after a meal. Just look after yourself.’

2/ the wise advisor who helps me solve my problems and says things like ‘it looks like you’re a bit overloaded with stuff at the moment. How about you try and offload some of it? It’s not going to be the end of the world if you don’t get some of it done.’

3/ the voice of my strong, courageous self who says things like ‘you can do it – you’ve done much harder things than this’, and

4/ the voice of the part of me who admires and likes me, and sees me in a positive way, who encourages and praises me with words like ‘you are really good at that’ or ‘you did a great job of handling that difficult situation’.

I actually have a poster on my wall with the name of each type of supportive voice inside a different shape in a different bright colour. So when I get tired or stressed or something goes wrong and I start to fall into the habit of trash talking to myself I can take a quick look at it and be reminded of how to speak to myself in a nurturing, supportive way. I find that as soon as I do this I feel a lot better.

Balancing acceptance of low moods with efforts to feel better

I had an experience in the weekend that gave me insight into how I balance simply accepting my low moods with actively attempts to feel better. Saturday brought with it a few disappointments and frustrations, like my dog arriving home from the dog sitter when I was still in the bath with conditioner in my hair, then jumping the fence immediately while I stood there helplessly in my dressing gown shouting at him. Next I locked myself out of the bathroom so I couldn’t rinse my hair, then once that was sorted found that despite double checking all my measurements for the new fence I’d got them the wrong way round so the fence didn’t fit the posts, then just missed a friend for coffee then …you get the picture!

As the day progressed I focused on experiencing and accepting my feelings of irritation, panic, anxiety, anger, disappointment and sadness. At first this stopped them getting any worse. But after negative event # 5 or 6, I found that sadness was starting to morph into depression. All I could remember from the day was the long list of things that hadn’t gone right. That alerted me to the fact that my thinking had become distorted. ‘What good things also happened?’ I asked myself. I remembered that we had finished nailing the fence together. I also realised my mistake was not a catastrophe because the fence could be put up the opposite way round. This new perspective lifted my spirits.

Next I looked for on one thing I could control. I decided to head off to a lovely reserve and give the dog a good run. We had a wonderful time there and I went home feeling a lot better, looking forward to having a nice dinner and watching a funny video.

When I analysed what had happened (as I so love to do!) I realised that the steps had been:

• Accepting my moods and feeling them, just letting them flow rather than trying to feel ‘up’ all the time
• Becoming aware that this was not enough and my feelings where moving beyond a fleeting sadness to become mild depression
• Examining my thinking for my most common errors and correcting them – shifting my focus from the negative to positive events and de-catastrophising,
• Looking for one thing I could control
• Doing something pleasurable, and
• Planning some small enjoyable things to look forward to.

That’s how I manage when a good mood starts to slip into a low one. In a future post I’ll talk about how I balance accepting my feelings with taking action when I’m feeling low already.

Good things for the last week

• Making a yummy dinner of pasta with pesto and roast veges for myself and a friend I was staying with and eating it while laughing our heads off at ‘The Big Fat Quiz of the Year’ on youtube featuring Noel Fielding and Russell Brand
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• Being able to have every room in the house open and all the animals wandering where they wanted without any fear that the dog will bother the cats
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• Discovering a local speciality – hot chips with mayo and grated cheese on top – and loving it (a bit too much!)
• Enjoyable phone calls with my close friend from Ireland and close friend from my home town
• A wonderful romp with the dog at a lovely reserve beside a broad still stretch of the Waikato River, under huge trees shining in the late afternoon sun, with the silence broken only by geese flying overhead and a couple of motorboats
• Seeing my naturopath face to face for the first time in ages and having a really good chat

All the different types of effective therapy for depression

In Tuesday’s post I wrote that there were more types of therapy out there than you can shake a stick at. I should have said ‘effective therapies’ i.e. things that are proven to make you feel better. It’s amazing how many approaches have been evaluated and found to work. Just to give you an ideas, here are all the ones I know about:

• Behavioural therapy (focus on activity, particularly planning activities for the day and pleasurable activities)
• Cognitive therapy (using lumped with behavioural therapy and called CBT for cog behav therapy, involves identifying and changing key thinking errors)
• Interpersonal therapy (IPT, involves improving relationships)
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT, with a focus on accepting feelings as they are)
• Mindfulness (awareness of experiences and sensations without much conscious thought)
• Aerobic exercise (e.g. walking, running)
• Anaerobic exercise (weight lifting and other resistance exercise)
• Bright light (from the sun or a light box)
• Omega 3 fatty acids (ideally in the correct proportion to omega 6 fatty acids. In our modern diet we tend to get too much Omega 6 and not enough Omega 3, which is what causes the problems)
• Therapeutic life style changes (TLC, involves a return to an earlier way of life with more exercise, a diet higher in Omega3 fatty acids and more social contact and support)
• Antidepressant medication
• Positive psychology techniques such as using a key personal strength in a new way, making a note of good things that happen, responding positively to others’ good news, savouring positive experiences/ sensations and attending to positive, uplifting media such as films.

You can see from this list why I said that if you don’t find one approach that you feel comfortable with or works for you there’s always another! I haven’t even mentioned the things that I and other people have found helpful that haven’t been confirmed as effective by research yet.

My top ten feel better movies

Previously I’ve posted about how watching funny movies is a quick way to feel better. Here is a list of my top ten funny movies (as requested by Kirsten). They are not in any order of preference. These are the ones I come back and watch time and time again. They always make me laugh, not only at the time but for days afterwards.

1. Zoolander
2. Music and Lyrics
3. Death at a Funeral
4. Galaxy Quest
5. Caddyshack
6. A Fish Called Wanda
7. Flight of the Conchords (series 1)
8. Blades of Glory
9. Johnny English
10. Best in Show

Not every therapy works for every person

It’s easy to think that all anyone has to do to get over depression is pop a pill. But not everyone who takes a pill gets happy. I’ve talked to numerous people who’ve tried antidepressants and felt only slightly better, if that. Which is not to say that antidepressants don’t work – they do. But it’s a matter of getting the one that’s right for you and there’s almost no way of knowing which one that is until you try it. Finding it can take months.

But there are more types of therapy out there than you can shake a stick at so if drugs don’t work (the legal type) then something else probably will. It’s a matter of knowing what the therapies are and having the stamina to keep trying them until you find one that does the trick. It’s unlikely that every therapy will work for everyone. This is just common sense. Someone who’s too ill to exercise much (like me) or simply doesn’t like exercise is unlikely to find that useful. Someone (again, like me) who finds meditation boring and onerous isn’t going to do it, no matter how much they tell themselves it works and they ‘should’. And a therapy you don’t do is unlikely to have an impact on you!

Even if you make yourself do it it’s not necessarily going to work for you. Research on antidepressants show they work for over half of the people who try them. None of them work for 100% of people. Ditto cognitive and interpersonal therapy. It’s a case of different strokes for different folks. We’re all made slightly differently so it stands to reason that we are going to need an approach that suits our unique makeup, both so we will actually keep on with it and so it has the most chance of working.

Good things for the last week

• Watching a middle aged couple who were obviously in love say good bye to each other at the end of their lunch hour outside the office block one of them worked at. The looks, the kiss, each of them looking back at the other as they walked away. So sweet! It brought a smile to my face


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  The gorgeous refreshing coolness of late night air on my skin when I stepped outside after my bath


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  Stroking my friend’s big black cat and hearing his rumbly purr
  


• Watching an old dog on the beach limping along, enjoying sniffing at every post he came to and having a wonderful time


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  Sitting by the beach late at night listening to the sound of waves, so soothing and peaceful and something I miss so much now that I live so far inland


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  The sound of planes taking off and landing, which reminds me of so many happy times
  


• Playing charades and dictionary with friends and giggling helplessly as I completely failed to fool anyone with my clues


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  Revelling in the pleasure of writing, in my head and on paper and the computer, the joy of putting words together to create images and convey information, the satisfaction of making something I feel pleased with.

Trying too hard to be happy

The other day I woke up feeling bad tempered and depressed. All I could think about was what was wrong with everything – my breakfast, my schedule for the day, my hair – everything! It was tempting to try to make myself feel happy by using all the techniques I know for transforming depression into happiness. But I knew from bitter past experience that this is not a good idea. Trying to forcibly push up my mood in the past has resulted in feeling even worse, and set off devastating mood swings.

So instead I sucked it up and resigned myself to accepting that I felt bad for a while. I tried to focus on things that didn’t involve thinking or feeling, like watching the sun shine through the condensation on the window, making it sparkle like diaphanous silvery fabric. Then I moved into my schedule for the day, trying not to get hung up on the fact that I didn’t feel too hot. I was late for my dentist’s appointment, which made me feel even more grumpy. I found a park, but then had no money for the meter. The day seemed to be going down the gurgler. Then the dentist said he could still see me and found nothing major wrong with my teeth after years of not seeing him. I got back to my car to find I hadn’t got a ticket, then realised I had a free 50 minutes in my schedule to do whatever I liked. That lifted my mood a bit although it didn’t last.

My mood went up and down for the rest of the day, but by evening I was feeling pretty good. As I’d anticipated from previous experience, simply accepting how I felt, keeping active and not trying overly hard to feel better had done the trick. By the next day I was back to my normal happy self. Giving myself a break and not insisting on feeling happy all the time and driving myself to feel better had been just what I needed.

Finding a good therapist

Oh what a joy and a treasure is a good therapist! I was reminded of this when my dear friend Kirsten shared her tale of losing a good one and failing to find a replacement. It was particularly timely because I’d just the day before had a face to face session with my counsellor for the first time in months, and been reminded of what a wonderful, supportive person she is. (We normally do phone sessions.) My first impression of her four and a half years ago had not been promising. On the phone she had sounded cold and I know from experience that being fabulously insecure I do not do well with someone who is not warm and reassuring. But as soon as she walked into the waiting room and smiled hello at me I knew she was going to be great. (She had me from ‘hello’!) Her warmth, belief in me and good sense have helped me climb out of the dark valleys of despair into the bright light of joy. Whatever happens, whatever I do or say or reveal about myself, I feel that she is always on my side, always there for me. Goodness knows how many relapses she has helped me avoid by her steady presence and good counsel. She is a treasure beyond value.

But the road to finding her was not a smooth or easy one*. I’ve seen more counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals of every ilk than you can shake a stick at and some of them have not been helpful, to put it mildly. It took me a while to work out that therapists who were by nature cold actually made my depression worse. For a long time I believed that technical skills were paramount and personality was secondary. But then two cool and distant therapists actually pushed me over the edge at vulnerable times rather than helping me recover. Now I know that feeling liked and accepted is the most important therapeutic ingredient for me. But it’s different for each individual. One of the therapists who was so disastrous for me was just great for a friend of mine who is not insecure.

The key for me has been to keep learning what works for me, and to keep looking. There’s no guarantee that once you find someone good they’ll stay around. I once found a great counsellor who I made practically sign in blood to say she was settled in town long-term who then upped sticks and moved her whole family halfway up the country! But I kept looking and found another good one. Don’t let the not quite right for you ones put you off – a good therapist can be hugely helpful and is well worth searching for.

*to see more crazy road markings click on 'the road' in blue above

UPO sighting

That’s Unexpected Positive Occurrence for the uninitiated. The other day a great experience slipped into my life when I wasn’t expecting it. I was driving through a little town when I saw a sign saying ‘delicious hot muffins’. It struck my eye just as I realised I was feeling peckish so I pulled into the café carpark, unable (well, unwilling) to resist the lure. As directed by the sign I wandered across the gravel to the back of the brightly painted wooden house the café was located in, intent only on finding a warm muffin or scone.

What met my eyes when I rounded the corner of the house was a complete surprise. Stretched out behind it, hidden from the carpark by a wall, was a deliciously green and shady glade, lawns dappled with the sun that reached through the tall trees round its perimeter. A fountain pattered softly into a pond filled with orange fish. It was like stepping into the secret garden from the book. ‘Have a look around’ someone called and I turned towards the verandah at the back of the house where two middle aged women in aprons sat, having their morning tea before the lunchtime rush started. ‘It goes right back,’ one of them said. ‘There’s even an outdoor bath. The first time I used it I looked up to find two big black eyes looking at me – it was a beast from the paddock next door.” I laughed, entranced.

Feeling welcome I wandered off through the garden, finding new treasures every few steps. Early cheer were in bloom and I stooped to sniff their quiet scent, evocative of childhood. Next to them was an amazing flower that reminded me of a jellyfish – a primulus with a yellow centre from which indigo blue and white stripes radiated out. A thin black cat with enormous ears accompanied me, rubbing round my legs and making me feel even more welcome. I paused, suddenly realising that the scene stretching out in front of me was reflected back from an enormous mirror framed in ornate, flowery metal work. But beyond that more garden stretched, with the sensuous scent of daphne luring me on.

Finally I came back for the muffin I’d originally stopped for. The owner chatted as she served me. When she found I was on my way to Wellington she said ‘you must go to Te Papa,’ the museum. ‘I went there last time,’ I said, ‘to the Monet exhibition.’
‘Oh wasn’t it wonderful?!’ she exclaimed. ‘I went three times.’ We went on to rhapsodise about Monet and how each of his paintings evoked a different emotion in us.
‘Which was your favourite?’ she asked. I was just about to say ‘the haystack’ when she said ‘mine was the haystack’. Then we were off again.

I left with an olive, feta and zucchini muffin, warm from the oven, and a little container of tamarind chutney, both of which were delicious. But more importantly I left uplifted by the beauty of the garden, the warmth of the welcome and the pleasure of sharing my enjoyment of a wonderful painter. It just showed me that I never know when my life is about to be interrupted by a wonderful unexpected experience.

What I’m looking forward to

• Spring – the impossibly frothy lime green of new leaves and trees bursting with ruffles of pink and white blossoms


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  Yum char with friends on Saturday


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  Walking the dog


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  Bath tonight by candlelight


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  Asparagus and strawberries coming into season


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  Breakfast


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  Going back to the lovely Mission Belle café in Foxton for a cheese scone, cup of my favourite tea and to enjoy sitting looking at the gorgeous garden and chatting with the owner


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  Treatment for my knees and arms which will take so much pain out of them
  


• Writing a new post for my blog.

Sharing news of good things with others

I’ve found that sharing news of good things in my life with others gives me a real boost. The emotional uplift comes not only from telling my good news but from hearing the positives that have been happening in the other person’s life. I have a weekly phone call with my friend Fiona where we tell each other about all the good things that happened to us in the last week.

Not only is the conversation enjoyable but Fiona says that knowing the phone call is coming up motivates her to organise positive experiences to talk about. It also raises her awareness of the good things that happen in her week. The end result is much more sunshine in her life, as well as mine.

Phone calls are not the only way of sharing good things – sending an email or writing them in a blog also works well. I’ve been part of a daily email circle where each person adds their good things and sends it on. That was a great way of being reminded to notice the enjoyable and uplifting things that happened in my life.

Happy moments

• Barney’s OM (original mother) has just driven off with him in the van en route to her holiday home for dogs. With him gone I’ve been able to open every door in the house. The sunshine is pouring through, cats are running round. I’m about to pack for the drive to Hamilton, where I’ll stay overnight with friends. I’m flooded with happiness – the sun, my dogless state, looking forward to the trip, feeling free and on the verge of an adventure
• The frost crunches underfoot as I walk round the garden in the chilly morning sun, looking for dog poo. My eye is caught by a flash of red. The japonica tree is in bloom. Bronze branches spike and glisten in the sun, studded by pale red flowers with yellow centres. I stand a moment to look at them, feeling entranced and joyful about their beauty and the coming of spring
• I lie back in the sun, letting it warm me. Barney is running round the deserted park, having fun exploring. I sit up and enjoy the view of brilliantly green lawns and huge pine trees surround them, the feeling of sun on my face

Good things for the last week

Good things for the last week

• The bed was so nice and warm from the electric blanket when I got into it last night
• It’s great to have dry wood to light the fire with
• The metal water beaker beside my bed keeps the water so cool – drinking it is very refreshing
• Suki my littlest cat is getting very confident with the dog – she even stole his dinner last night while he sat there and watched!
• There are blossoms on some trees. It’s spring! (and I won’t be persuaded otherwise)
• I beat the local draughts champion resoundingly
• One of the local kids cut the long grass with a weed eater without me even asking him
• I visited a friend with the dog and three kids and she was incredibly generous and hospitable and showed us round the show farm she works on
• I took Barney barndog to the beach on a lovely sunny day and he was SO GOOD and had a wonderful time running round with another dog.

Noticing the good things

It's easy to miss the positives that happen each day. That’s because we remember what we focus on. Let me illustrate what I mean. Look around the room you’re in and notice the blue things. Now look at the computer screen and try to remember what red things are in the room. Chances are you can’t remember many because you weren’t focused on them. It’s the same with good things. Focusing leads to noticing. And it's noticing the good things that has a positive impact on mood.

Here are some questions that can help with focusing on and remembering good things that happen:

• What social events did you attend in the last week? Who did you talk to there?
• What have you eaten that was yummy?
• Have you listened to anything that brought you pleasure e.g. birdsong, music, waves, rain on the roof?
• Have you sat in the sun, or a hot bath, or had a massage or some other pleasurable sensual experience?
• Did you have any enjoyable contact with pets or other animals? I got to scratch a pig’s head yesterday, which was enjoyable in a gross kind of way
• What have you achieved today or in the past few days? Even if it’s small it counts. For me posting letters is a huge achievement because I find it so hard to remember to do it!
• Did you go anywhere? Did anything good happen there? Even if it’s just the same old place you go all the time something nice could have occurred
• What exercise did you do? Was it pleasurable? (even if only because it stopped!)
• Have you seen or read anything beautiful or moving?
• Did you have any enjoyable times with kids (your own or others’) or family members or people you are close to?

Is suffering useful?

Now and then a vision comes to me unbidden of what I would have been like if I hadn’t been shaped and mellowed by decades of depression and ME. I can just see the totally well Kaye now – so physically and mentally strong that she judges and criticises others who are not as robust, rides roughshod over others because she is so confident that she knows what is best for them and has no understanding of their reality. I mean I’m bad enough as it is! Without these illnesses to show me what a frail and fragile person I am, to make me (slightly!) humble, to give me insight into how hard life can be, I would be a much harsher person.

In the past I’ve thought that the world would be a better place if no one suffered. But from the vantage point of five decades on the planet I don’t think I’d want to live in a world where there was no suffering to learn from. Hmmm… does this make me a masochist? Don’t get me wrong – it hasn’t been fun having these illnesses. I haven’t enjoyed it. But as with a physical workout, once the pain and effort is over I can see the benefits. I think I am more compassionate, empathetic, non-judgmental and simply nicer as a result of the pain. I know how much it means when I am down and someone offers a kind word, when a bus driver sees me running for the bus and waits for me, then smiles instead of snarling. Knowing this I try to show the same kindness to others myself.

It’s not a view I held in my twenties, but in my fifties a world full of people with no personal experience of what it is like to be lonely, sad, scared, frail or miserable seems more like hell than heaven.

Happy moments

• Buh-boing, buh-boing, buh-boing.’ I show the kids how to jump other pieces in Chinese checkers. ‘Buh-boing, buh-boing, buh-boing’ they mimic, laughing. Then they want music on. They think my music is strange. ‘Doesn’t this just make you feel happy when you hear it?’ I ask as some trance music plays. ‘Nah,’ they shake their heads. I start moving my arms in time to the music. Soon the kids are hysterical at the sight of my dancing. I’m having as much fun as when I was a kid myself, just losing myself in being silly and the wonderful looseness of laughter.

• .Walking through Farmers department store my eye is caught by a burst of colour. I look closer and see flannel pajamas in a lilac colour dotted with starts in purple, yellow and pink. Looking at them makes me feel so happy. I look at the other pajamas to see how they make me feel. Stripes – no, flowers – no. I look back at the purple starry pajamas and feel another burst of happiness. It’s weird, but nice, how happy looking at them makes me feel.

I’m standing at the kitchen sink, shelling an egg. The dishes are done, the washing is on, the clothes in the dryer are dry and all the animals are fed and happy. Everything is in order. I pause to realise how contented I feel in this moment. I’m looking forward to today’s trip to beach, to seeing my mum and my friend, to walking Barney barndog on the beach. I’m poised on that knife edge where looking back and looking forward over the day is pleasurable and the present moment is happy – the knife edge of happiness.

Seeing ourselves as positively as others do

We are much more wonderful than we usually give ourselves credit for. So many people I know simply don’t see all the great things about them that other people can see. I know I’m one of these people. I have to work really hard to stay focused on my strengths, achievements, talents and skills. If I don’t do this I can fall into the old habit I learned from my earliest days - focusing on what I did wrong, what about me isn’t up to standard, and what my personal defects are.

I remember when I first realised that my view of myself was completely unrealistic. It was during my first severe period of depression. I had spotted a review of a book that sounded really helpful and asked my mother to buy it for me. This book (Know your Strengths and be Confident by Iris Barrow) told me to write down lists of my positive qualities, achievements and skills – EVEN IF they were not perfect, or I only tried to do them. The ‘even if’ allowed me to put aside my extremely high standards that led to me discounting most of the positives about myself.

As I wrote the lists I was amazed to see how long they were. With shock I realised how skewed and distorted my idea of myself was. I saw myself as a failure, hopeless, someone who fucked everything up. My lists told a different – much more realistic – story. Of course, other people could see these positives and probably assumed I could too. But my learned habit of focusing on the negatives about me, however tiny, blowing them up and then ignoring or discounting the real positives had led to a picture of myself that was totally out of synch with reality.

Two other resources I've found really helpful in building up a realistic picture of myself are the book Self-esteem by Patrick Fanning and Matthew McKay and the Strengths Questionnaire on the authentic happiness website.

If you want advice

If any reader wants to put a situation to me to get ideas and feedback please feel free to do so. I'm more than happy to do this. And I won't even charge 5c!

Also I reply to every comment that is left on the blog. I hope people realise this and check back to prior posts to see how I've responded to their comments.

So bombard me with your issues!! Bring it on! Really - I'm ready.

Therapy can appear useless if it’s done wrongly

Sorry to drag the dog into it again, but as I’ve been training him over past weeks it’s got me thinking about how things sometimes appear not to work because you get only part of the story. When I first applied the Dog Listener techniques from the DVD to Barney his biting got worse. A dog obedience leaflet had helpful information and Barney improved in some ways, but not his biting. Finally I got the book of The Dog Listener.

Reading the book I realised the most important things had been left out of the DVD. Using the full techniques I could soon walk round the yard and sit on the sofa without being bitten and barked at. Whereas when I’d done what the DVD suggested – holding him by his collar until he stopped – it had turned into a vicious wresting match. It didn’t work at first because I learned only part of what works.

I’ve had similar experiences with therapy. Cognitive therapy works for most people. But I’ve had a therapist who made it fail by not treating a relapse. Some psychologists have done it by rote, showing no understanding of the underlying principles. One therapist was so cold he undermined the positive impact of cognitive therapy. If I hadn’t known it worked I would have given up.

And even cognitive therapy wasn’t enough on its own – I needed more to be happy. When I added bright light, proper diet, omega 3, vitamins and minerals, regular exercise, more close relationships, a focus on the good things in life, relationship skills, relapse prevention, work I enjoyed and stress management I got happiness.

What I learned from this is not to give up on therapy just because of one bad experience. The Osmonds sang ‘one bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch, girl’. My lyrics go ‘one (or even two, or three or more) bad therapy experiences don’t mean the whole bunch sucks – give it one more chance before you gii-iive up on therapy’. OK the scansion sucks, but the message is clear. Therapy can help. If it’s not helping it’s worth trying a new therapists and/or therapies and/or more types of therapy until you find the right one(s). That’s what worked for me.

The importance of supportive friends

Twice recently I’ve had things I’ve written in this blog quoted back at me. The first time was on my weekly ‘good things’ call with a close friend. I was telling her about how I ‘should’ mend my gate, how it would make my life so much easier if it worked properly but I just didn’t feel motivated. She said ‘why don’t you treat it as something nice that you do for your future self?’
‘Hmm,’ I thought. ‘That sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before?’
‘Like you wrote about in your blog last week,’ she added and it all became clear.

So I set to with hammer and saw and fixed half the gate. I didn’t enjoy it (although I did work a lot of my bad mood out on the nails) but I had a huge feeling of satisfaction at the end, and again every time I opened the gate without a problem.

Then another friend responded to my post about being on the verge of a relapse by suggesting I watch a funny movie to lift my mood, as I’d written about in an earlier post. Talk about right back at ya! I took the movie he suggested out, plus a few others, and had a movie fest all rainy Saturday. It was great! I really felt better afterwards.

This highlighted for me not only how useful the blog is turning out to be for reminding me to use my happiness habits, but how important it is to have supportive people in your life who make these kind of suggestions. I grew up with a lot of put downs and not much encouragement. So having friends like these who not only encourage me but suggest specific ways I can feel better is wonderful and really helps support my ongoing happiness.

Good things for the last week

• Local kids came over and helped with the cooking, vacuuming and played soccer with the dog and we had a great time on Sunday
• Made a huge pot of yummy pumpkin soup with their help
• Had some local friends over for a dinner and a lot of laughs and fun
• sitting on the porch in the sun with the dog cuddled up beside me today, reflecting on how well behaved he is now
• Nice talks with my Mum on the phone
• My littlest cat is finally calming down and adapting to having a dog in the house
• Really enjoyed watching some funny DVDs, including Be Kind Rewind, Tropical Thunder,and Zac and Miri make a Porno
• Lovely sunny day after a day of torrential rain
• Got most of the taxes spreadsheet finished
• Posted on my blog six days out of seven
• Nice comments on my blog
• Took my car for a warrant check
• Cooked a roast of beef and veges and froze a couple of meals.

Happy though life is crappy

The stomach churning realisation that after my back taxes are all paid I will probably be destitute is boring a big hole in my happiness. Not only destitute but possibly thousands of dollars in debt, this time without a house to sell. The combination of ill health and the recession have hit me hard. Had I sold my house a year earlier before house prices crashed I would have got another $100K for it, and have no financial worries at all. I’d even be able to buy a modest house in my new home town. But that was then and then is over, so there’s no point thinking about it.

My concern now is how to stay happy despite the crap in my life. I keep reminding myself of one of the things I’ve learned in my decades of transforming depression into happiness:

Though life may be crappy, I can still be happy

There was a time when I believed my mood was controlled by my circumstances. If I’d had a good day and things were going well, I should be happy, and vice versa. I even added up the score of good things versus bad each day so I could know what mood I should be in. And when I fell below my high standards, boy did I punish myself with depression. Then I discovered cognitive therapy. One of the ideas that had the biggest impact on me was from the philospher Epictetus:

What disturbs people's minds is not events but their judgments on events.

To me this meant that if I chose a certain way of thinking about things I could be happy even when things were crappy. It has been a long-term mission to learn how to think differently when crap happens, but by and large I’ve managed to do so. It’s had a huge impact on my mood – for the better! So I remind myself of this in order that even though I may lose all my money, I can avoid losing what is even more precious to me – my happiness.