Sunday, October 11, 2009

The hidden rewards of self-criticism



Self-criticism hurts just as much as criticism from other people, if not more. In my case I learned to criticise myself by hearing criticism from some of the key people in my life as I grew up. ‘You eat too much’, ‘fatty’, ‘you always try to do everything for yourself’, ‘you make everything in the family go wrong’ – even thinking about these comments decades later can still bring me down. Because I heard so many of these comments, at home and at school and even out in the neighbourhood, I internalised them and started saying them to myself. It was a huge relief in my twenties to realise that I didn’t have to be so hard on myself – that I had a lot of good qualities, did a lot of positive things, and life worked better when I was nice to myself.

Talking to myself in a positive, supportive way made me feel good and I have made it a habit over the intervening years. I can tell I’m criticising myself now because it makes me feel bad. That’s why it was a surprise to learn that one of the things that keeps self-criticism going is the hidden rewards. One of the big payoffs is when someone who is self-critical turns the criticism on someone else. I’ve had this experience many a time. I might notice that someone is not doing as well at me – whether with managing their emotions, or getting grades or earning money – and I feel my self-esteem lift. It’s insidious but powerful. Because it only happens every so often, it’s hugely reinforcing, like winning a jackpot after hours of playing the pokies. The answer? For me it’s been learning to look for the positive in myself and others and accept the rest of who I am on the basis that none of us are perfect and everyone deserves a break. Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is in practice! But is well worth doing just for the emotional relief it provides.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Good things for the last week


Regular readers (all four of you) may have noticed that I’ve been strangely absent for the past 12 days. This is because my computer died on Wednesday 23 October. I got it straight into the shop and by some miracle it was fixed for a very reasonable price and now works again. So now I’m back, although possibly not as often as in the past, as the blog is taking me away from my other writing a bit much. But I will endeavour to post regularly. Here, as usual on Monday, are the good things that happened to me in the past week.

  • My computer works again – yay! Now I can email, write documents, blog, pay bills, order medicine and all that other good stuff
  • The new dog is getting on incredibly well with my first dog despite being years older, and they are playing and running together like they are both puppies
  • The rain stopped for a whole day on Saturday and I finally was able to take some local kids out to a small farm to see the sheep and cattle, as they’d been begging me to for weeks
  • I had a great lunch with a local friend I haven’t seen for ages and a good goss
  • Spaghetti Bolognese on a cold day – absolute comfort food
  • Asparagus is in season and it’s as delicious as usual
  • A day to myself on Sunday when I could sleep and read my trashy escapist novel (in between taking the dogs out in the pouring rain to run – them, not me!)
  • New library books and DVDs to enjoy
  • Watching Clerks 11 – profane, disgusting, tasteless, foul mouthed and incredibly funny. The surreal dance number to ‘1 2 3, it’s easy as A B C’ was one of the highlights. Clerks the Musical anyone? Gotta beat Mamma Mia any day!