The hidden rewards of self-criticism

Self-criticism hurts just as much as criticism from other people, if not more. In my case I learned to criticise myself by hearing criticism from some of the key people in my life as I grew up. ‘You eat too much’, ‘fatty’, ‘you always try to do everything for yourself’, ‘you make everything in the family go wrong’ – even thinking about these comments decades later can still bring me down. Because I heard so many of these comments, at home and at school and even out in the neighbourhood, I internalised them and started saying them to myself. It was a huge relief in my twenties to realise that I didn’t have to be so hard on myself – that I had a lot of good qualities, did a lot of positive things, and life worked better when I was nice to myself.

Talking to myself in a positive, supportive way made me feel good and I have made it a habit over the intervening years. I can tell I’m criticising myself now because it makes me feel bad. That’s why it was a surprise to learn that one of the things that keeps self-criticism going is the hidden rewards. One of the big payoffs is when someone who is self-critical turns the criticism on someone else. I’ve had this experience many a time. I might notice that someone is not doing as well at me – whether with managing their emotions, or getting grades or earning money – and I feel my self-esteem lift. It’s insidious but powerful. Because it only happens every so often, it’s hugely reinforcing, like winning a jackpot after hours of playing the pokies. The answer? For me it’s been learning to look for the positive in myself and others and accept the rest of who I am on the basis that none of us are perfect and everyone deserves a break. Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is in practice! But is well worth doing just for the emotional relief it provides.