Strangely happy

For F who loves lyricism and D who loves choosing to be happy

Yesterday was not a day I’d expect to feel happy. I was ill, so weak that it was an effort to walk to the kitchen. Back in bed I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the open window, then sank into delicious sleep. When I woke it was early evening. The color was washing out of the sky, leaving it a pale pastel blue, fading into white, then soft orange. Wispy grey clouds were smudged against the sunset and higher up, where a faint blue remained like a water color, there was a white cloud, so faint that it was only just possible to see its tracery. Gradually it dissolved into the blue. The day was warm. As I lay there I enjoyed the faint touch of a cool breeze against my skin. I drank it in as it lapped around me, as if my pores were sipping at a cool drink. As I cooled I let my attention drift out the window.

My mind mused idly about the problems in my life – health, finances, relationships. But strangely, rather than feeling depressed or even sad, I felt gently, peacefully joyful, as if I were floating on top of the problems, untouched. These things just were. I recognised them but at that moment they were not a burden. As I gazed out the window I felt a sense of pleasant anticipation, as if I was on the verge of something very nice happening, instead of stranded in a strange town, bedridden and unsure of my future. It was quite inexplicable. My feelings soared into joy, as if my soul was about to fly out the window. I watched myself feeling these things with wonderment – the emotions didn’t seem to fit the circumstances. But nonetheless they were the feelings I had, so I enjoyed them.

My mind wandered off to doodle among some technical problems in my writing. I thought with pleasure about how much I love writing, love becoming absorbed in creating until the world and its concerns fade into silence. I thought about how lucky I am to be able to get out as often as I do, to have a brother who provides a home for me in my illness. Even on this day I seemed surrounded by joy, by goodness. I found it a little strange. But why should my happiness be anchored to circumstance? I deserve to feel happy whatever my circumstances.