What to say to someone who is depressed

I fully intended to post yesterday, but I kept thinking 'I'll do it after this', then 'after this', then suddenly it was bedtime and I realised I hadn't posted. Oh well, there's always today! Here is the post I intended to put up yesterday.

Knowing what to say to someone who is depressed is a toughie. You know your friend (or partner, or brother, or workmate) is feeling down. You may even suspect they are suicidal. But what do you say to make them feel better, or check out they are not going to hurt themselves (and others)? Strangely enough dealing with the possibility of suicide is the easiest part of it. The common fear is that asking something as blunt as ‘are you thinking of killing yourself?’ may bring on a suicide attempt. But in fact it is pretty well established that this is not the case. Often it can be a relief for the person who is feeling so desperate to have a chance to talk about it, and actually make them feel less hopeless and miserable.

Speaking from personal experience I’ve found that the human contact involved in talking to someone who cares enough to ask the question can be enough to lift me out of that dark place. Counselling can help but it’s a gamble whether the counsellor (or psychologist or whatever brand of helper is available) will be someone the person feels able to confide in or finds supportive. As someone who is already close and trusted a friend, or partner, or relative may have more impact. (Although an established, trusted counsellor is also very useful.)

If someone is suicidal, the key thing to do is talk about things that give hope for the future. Suicidal feelings are about thinking there is nothing to live for, that everything has gone wrong or will go wrong. If the person is not suicidal but just feeling low, then human contact again is the most important thing. The average person is not going to be able to provide professional help but what they can give is the feeling of being genuinely cared about and accepted. I know that having someone make it clear that they still care about me whatever my mood makes a big difference. They don't need to talk about what's troubling me - just asking 'are you not feeling so good?' or even commenting 'you seem pretty down' and then showing they care is enough. The other thing that really works is encouraging me to go out and do something that will take my mind off my troubles and lift my spirits, like going to a movie or a walk. In dark times, people who really care can make a huge difference.