Who do I make myself happy for - me or others?

This may seem a funny question. Happiness is good, right? So why does it matter who you do it for?

The reason it matters to me is that it affects my motivation to do the things that make me happy. I started having mood swings as a child, and it escalated to clinical depression in my early teens. As I grew up there was no shortage of 'helpful' people in my life telling me things like 'smile', 'just be happy' and (the worst) 'cheer up - it may never happen'. My mother's hairdresser was a particular offender. For his troubles he earned my famous death stare, which soon shut him up.

Then there were the high school 'friends' who made it clear they weren't interested in hearing about or seeing any signs of my depression. Needless to say I soon got pretty good at pasting a smile over my sadness, like so many other people with this terrible disease. It did not make me feel accepted or cared about (or happy!) but lonely and leprous, like the real me was not OK.

Some other 'helpful' people write books and articles advising depressed people to 'think about other people more than yourself'. They may even say depressed people are selfish or self-absorbed. Particularly with people who - like me - have attempted suicide, they may point to the pain caused to other people as a reason to stop being depressed and suicidal. I met one young woman who'd had the terrible experience just after a suicide attempt, when she was feeling very vulnerable, of having a psychiatrist yell at her for causing her family so much anguish. Needless to say, this didn't make her feel any less depressed!

So when depression starts intruding to my normal habitual happiness, I find it helpful to shut down the echoes of those 'helpful' voices from the past. It's not that I don't care about how my depression affects others. I do. It's just that I feel so resentful and resistant in the face of these thoughts - just like I did when I was growing up - that it makes me act against my best interests and not do the things I know will make me feel happy.


What works better is to focus on the main reason I want to feel happy - because it makes me feel good. The fact that it is also nicer for others is great, but it's the icing on the cake. The cake is my own good feelings. I've spent too many minutes and hours of my life feeling painful emotions, enviously watching happy people and wishing I was like them. I treasure every moment of happiness I experience, and the reason I work so hard to achieve and maintain it is because it's so pleasurable. So when I feel down I say to myself 'I don't 'have' to feel happy - I want to feel happy for me, because it feels good'. This may seem weird, that I might resist doing something that feels yummy - like resisting eating chocolate! But if you have experienced depression you can probably relate to what I'm saying. Those 'helpful' comments can make you dig your toes in and refuse to do anything, even though you are the one who suffers most as a result. So focusing on feeling happy for yourself can be a way to get past that resistance. And everyone benefits!

Staying happy when times are tough

Life is never perfect (as a reformed perfectionist, I now know this is true!) But for some of us, it's more imperfect than for others. The following circumstances can be a reason:

• being homeless
  


• being out of work
  


• chronic illness
  


• chronic pain
  


• lack of money (particularly when coupled with lots of bills!)
  


• social isolation
  


• living in a war zone.

You get the picture! Barbara Fredrickson has found the happinss is most likely when people feel three or more positive emotions to every negative emotion. Does this apply to negative events too? Is happiness more likely the more positive circumstances we have in our lives? I'm not sure, but I suspect the answer is 'yes'.

In my own experience, being ill, out of work, having money problems and being socially isolated have made it harder to be happy. (I'm thankful to say I haven't ever had to cope with being homeless, in chronic pain or living in a warzone, but I feel for those who do.) But I've also found that negative circumstances don't make happiness impossible - it's a matter of having to work harder to create and maintain the happiness.

I don't want to be Pollyanna-ish about this. Having problems sucks, and when every second phone call seems to be from the taxman, the bank or someone you owe money to, it can be hard to see the world as a sunny place. I know this from personal experience. But in my view it's worth trying, simply because depression is painful and happiness is a whole lot more fun. Look at it this way - it's bad enough having crappy circumstances without feeling depressed into the bargain.

So here are the things I've found help create and maintain happiness in the tough times:

• having a plan for each day, just a list of tasks that can be realistically done (by you - not superman!) each day. I find it helps give focus and increase motivation
  


• having some goals for life that you're working on, such as finding a job, improving health, or creating something
  


• spending time with people you feel close to - this is a biggie
  


• exercise and getting out in natural light are always great for boosting mood, if you can manage them, especially in places of natural beauty



• writing down the positive things that happen each day and what you achieve e.g. I did the dishes, my friend called. Some people prefer to do this weekly but I find that when times are tough, daily works best to help prevent (or offset) a focus on the negatives. I also do way more than 3 each day - as many as I can think of and have time to write



• planning events that could bring pleasure, whether with others, or alone.

It's all about building up the positives in life so they start to outweigh the negatives, as well as noticing the positives when they happen. There's nothing like a lot of negative circumstances to set off negative, depressing thinking. Finding meaning in life also helps to get me through the tough times, in the form of goals I want to achieve, that give me a reason to get up in the morning.

It's very personal - why I write about my own life in public

Why do I expose such personal material in such a public way? Do I really want people who read it to know I had a mammogram the other day? (Not that that's a bad thing!) That I tried to kill myself once, that I have bad days sometimes, and other incredibly personal things? Apparently I do, or I wouldn't write about them! It's not like anyone's got a gun to my head, threatening to shoot me if I don't blog about my personal life. So why do I do it?

I was reminded of the reason I do this when I read a recent post on the very good blog (here on blogger) happinesspursuing (I've posted the link in the list to the left of this post.). It was in answer to a young man who asked 1/ why go on in the face of chronic depression? and 2/ will the depression ever go away? The very thoughtful and constructive response from the guy who does the blog (sorry, didn't get anything as specific as his name!) and people who commented on his post reconnected me with my own purpose in writing about depression and happiness. I do it so that people who are currently suffering from this miserable illness and stumble across my blog can be reassured that it is possible to transform depression into happiness, albeit imperfect and prone to relapse. That is the nature of the beast - relapse is a given, not a possibility. But the more important news is that recovery and happiness are possible.

I know that when I had my first experience of major, suicidal depression in 1982, so bad that I stopped working and spent most of my time hanging out in my pj's, doing my best impression of wallpaper, that I was desperate to hear about people who had recovered. I had a good friend who worked with someone who'd had a very severe depression, so bad she'd voluntarily gone into a private psychiatric hospital, some years before. She'd got well enough to go back to work and function fairly normally, something that had seemed beyond me then. I used to ask my friend about what her workmate had done, and hung on every word I got about her.

So it's a privilege and a pleasure to be able to be that role model I once craved, and give some if the information on what works which I was so desperate to learn. Depression is a worldwide epidemic according to the World Health Organisation, surpassed only by heart disease and predicted to exceed it. Recovery rates are fairly low despite the slew of effective therapies around. (Recovery in this context means going some years without a relapse and reoccurence of symptoms.) So every person who can give a message of hope and recovery to those who suffer has a story worth telling as publicly as possible.

A good self-help book is a good friend

In the course of averting a relapse over the last week, I did something that surprised me. I reached for two books I haven't looked at for a long time. The first was The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns, one of my personal heroes. There are things that he says that I don't agree with, but in general I find his advice incredibly useful. I certainly think I wouldn't still be here without his gentle and wise counsel, via the pages of his books. One of the things I love about David Burns is his honesty. He is not scared to talk about the times he felt scared, or acted silly, and that always makes me feel better about my own human foibles. Another is his compassion. He truly cares about people who suffer from the painful illness of depression, and this is as healing as any technique he writes about.

I didn't read much of the book, just dipped into it here and there to refresh my memory. What I don't agree with is his view that cognitive behavioural therapy is enough to cure depression. This might be true in cases of mild depression, but for me it has not been enough. I've found it incredibly helpful, but not sufficient on its own to lift the grey clouds completely and let the sun shine through. But in my current situation, I know that the problem is more the view I'm taking of my circumstances than the circumstances themselves. So cognitive techniques are very relevant here, as they help me to think about the aversive aspects of my life in a way that isn't emotionally overwhelming. I've done so much cognitive work over the past...gosh, almost thirty years, that just a brief refresher was enough to put me back on course. That and a trip to the seaside over the weekend, to spend time with friends and family.

The other book is The Art of Living by the Dalai Lama, another book that is gentle, compassionate and healing, as well as containing great practical advice. But I'll save that for another post.

A lapse is not a relapse

In writing this blog I feel a certain (wholly internal) pressure to present myself as being happy all the time. But as anyone who has recovered from the terrible illness of depression knows, that is not always the reality. It took me years to accept that depression is a chronically relapsing illness - that however wonderful I might feel, and however solid those feelings seem, I carry within me the possibility of feeling bad and can't really predict what might come along to set it off. Right now, after a good start at getting on with reality following a wonderful holiday, reality has turned round and bit me in the bum! There just seems to be a little too much of it. When chores and challenges seem to outweigh fun and pleasure it becomes tempting to focus on the frustrations and difficulties in life. If I then blow them up to much bigger than life size they start to they crowd out all the good things. That leads to some of the painful feelings I'm experiencing at the moment, albeit at a mild level.

I don't know about other people, but to me depression always feels like failure. The reason I write publicly about these moments in this blog is that I know how important it is to me when I read or hear that other people don't always feel great. I don't mean that I want others to suffer, or resent their happiness. It's more that it's reassuring to know we are all human, and all fart in the bath sometimes, even the people who I revere as great role models. So reading about how the Dalai Lama had a terrible problem with his temper makes me feel a lot better about how angry and irritable I get sometimes. Likewise reading that Dr David Burns, the great psychiatrist and author of 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' and other powerful books, yelled at his son or was a geek who couldn't get a date at high school makes it easier to accept that I'm not always the person I'd like to be. Or hearing that John Kirwan, the All Black I most admire because of his honesty about his struggles with depression, still has the odd down day.

Perfection is intimidating, because we are not built to be perfect. But what I know after all my years of transforming depression into happiness is that a lapse does not have to be a relapse. If I use the tools I've learned - like recognising and challenging distorted thoughts, planning my day (including fun and pleasure!), writing down the good things, talking to trusted friends, getting outside for exercise and bright light, accepting my feelings and working on a goal - this too shall pass, and I'll be back in my happy place.

Making time for the good things in life

I just got back last week from a trip to my home town of Wellington, one of the loveliest little cities I've ever seen. It was great seeing friends and familiar, loved places. Being on holiday and hanging out with some of my favourite people meant there was no shortage of good things to record in my journal (although there was a slight problem with being too busy to get round to it for days on end! Or this blog!) The picture on the right is Oriental Bay, one of my favorite places on earth, where I had a lovely 'walk' in one of the mobility scooters the city provides free accompanied by my sister, on a day when it looked just like this. The gelatos we had from Caffe Eis made it even more of a pleasurable experience!

After all that fun coming home could have been a bummer. Luckily I had planned the holiday so I had some days to get over going on holiday! I had a pile of newspapers and magazines a friend passes on to me to read (one of my favourite lazy day activities), a garden to dig and seedlings to plant. The days passed in a pleasant haze with lots of good things to enjoy and write about. But over this sunny time loomed the dark cloud marked 'back to reality on Monday'. Work (which I actually love), finances and admin (not so much fun) and just the normal humdrum routine. To keep my sunny holiday mood it was important to plan good things - like a walk with a friend and her dog, phone calls to people I like, andspending time in the garden in the early morning or evening.

Even more important was making time to notice all the good things that happen each day. Once my routine took over, the good things decreased in number, crowded out by finances and admin. This is where my routine really works for me, because it is my habit to write down each day the good things from the day before. I've done it for decades, so it feels strange if I don't do it. If I'm running short of time or feeling bored, I make it just three good things. Anything can go in there - the fact that I got the washing in before it rained, making a nice meal, talking on the phone to a friend, getting an administrative task I'd been dreading done and finding it not so bad! Some people like to write the good things down once a week, but in my situation of coping with a chronic illness, low income, and all the paperwork that goes with being on a benefit, writing them down daily helps me notice that they do happen, and helps keep my mood sunny. Now I'm back to reality and still feeling good.

Being happy when life is crappy

Recently I've noticed that I've fallen into a bad old habit. It's thinking that I can only be happy if everything in my life goes well. I've worked hard to develop new thinking habits over the past 30 years but the old ones still occasionally poke their heads through, like weeds in a flower garden. My best weedkiller for this pesky idea is summed up by the slogan 'I can be happy even when life is crappy.' This reminds me that life doesn't have to be perfect for me to enjoy it.

In fact it goes even further, and reminds me that life is never perfect. If I look hard enough I'll always find something that I could be upset about. I could always lose a little weight, have a little bit more money or energy, have better relationships or more vocational success. The trick with being happy when things are crappy is to notice the positives that do happen, and plan activities that are engrossing and meaningful, as well as fun. Having goals also helps. More than anything it's about where I direct my focus - onto what's wrong, or what I'm enjoying, planning and achieving.

CBT - Chocolate Behavioural Therapy

Yesterday was a tough day. The threatened mortgagee sale, with the consequent strain on my relationships with family members as we disagree on how to deal with it, and the uncertainty about where I will live, became a threat to my happiness. By early afternoon I was feeling completely miserable. Luckily I had an appointment for a free mammogram that got me out of the house. One of my tried and true techniques for lifting my mood is 'do something - anything' so I knew that simply getting dressed and going out would help. I barely talked to the poor radiologist, worried that one kind word would lead to me losing control and sobbing into the x-ray machine. After the x-ray what I most wanted was a packet of chocolate mint slices - I was sure that would make me feel better!

But before taking such drastic action I headed off the to the park. It was grey and raining (which didn't do anything for my mood!) but the dogs seemed happy to run around while I sat in the car and had a good cry. By the time I joined the dogs the rain had cleared (from both inside and outside the car!) and, with a warm hat and scarf, it was reasonably pleasant. I took a bag to pick up pine cones for the fire, and managed a walk right round the soccer field, quite a long way for me. I knew the bright light and exercise would help my mood, and by the time we got back to the car I felt a lot better.

But not so much better that I had changed my mind about chocolate mint slices! I don't know what it is about chocolate, but it does have a miraculous effect on my mood. (Shame about the disastrous effect on my teeth.) I was moderate in one respect - I bought the budget version! Back home with my spoils I decided to go on with my financial management activities, as I knew achieving something there would make me feel better too. I find behavioural techniques marvelous because they involve so little thinking and inward looking, and actually help me get things ticked on my to do list as well! But to lesssen any feeling of drudgery I watched some funny television programmes while I worked on my laptop.

A bath followed by a UPO (unexpected positive occurence) did the final work on lifting my mood - a friend called and after a heart to heart with her I felt a lot better. When I woke up this morning I heard the sound of the dawn chorus with joy and excitement rather than the sinking feeling I'd had the day before. So I think it's firmly established - chocolate works! Although behavioural techniques can be quite helpful as well.

Is accepting negative emotions enough to stop them?

The other day I posted about how valuable I find simply accepting my negative emotions for reducing them. Not long after I stumbled on the power of acceptance I discovered there's actually a therapy that incorporates this called ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I read up on it and to my surprise found that the founder seemed to be advocating simply accepting negative emotions and not doing anything else. Now, I may have got him wrong, but this is not what works for me. While I love using acceptance because it's so simple and takes much of the stress out of managing my negative emotions, it is by no means the only technique I use. It's my first step in most cases, particularly when I am busy or ill (or just can't be bothered thinking about it!). But I also use other techniques, such as writing down the good things in my life, examining my thoughts for distortions and correcting them, planning my day and doing problem solving. When it comes to transforming depression into happiness I've found there is no 'magic bullet', no one pill to cure all ills. What I've found works best is instead using a range of techniques that make me feel better and have a good fit with my lifestyle, vaues and personality. Together they seem to have a synergy (that dreaded buzz word!) whereby using them all together creates a more powerful impact on depression than using any one alone. I really wouldn't want to rely on acceptance alone, but I'm glad it's one of the tools in my toolbox because it makes life a lot easier.

Dealing with a patch of low motivation

I've learned that part of maintaining stable happiness means dealing positively and constructively with low patches when they occur, as they do even in the happiest life. I had one of these the other day, when I woke up and spent two and half hours staring out the window, feeling unexcited about doing anything. Usually I am Ms Motivation, actively writing to do lists, planning tasks, solving problems, setting goals and bustling along with things. But this day everything just felt too hard, and I couldn't be bothered. Which was a worry, as I had so many things I needed to do.

In the end I turned to my trusty journal, the one I've been keeping for almost 30 years, and simply wrote down what I was feeling. Then I went back and read over the entry, looking for cognitive distortions like permanence (thinking the bad things will last forever), mental filter (focusing on the negatives and overlooking the positives). What was clear to me was that, while there were distortions, a lot of my concerns were realistic. There were a lot of challenges in my life, and sometimes it felt like I was getting nowhere. I realised that I needed to have an eagle eye out for when I had made progress and or something positive happened. I also needed to stop pressuring and criticising myself, and give myself more praise, understanding and encourangement. Just as importantly, I needed to take a break and get away from my normal routine, so it doesn't feel like endless drudge.

Luckily I have a trip away planned for a couple of weeks time, to visit family and friends. Just thinking about how this could give me a change of perspective and a burst of energy helped me feel more motivated. Also acknowledging to myself that things are realistically challenging, and speaking to myself more supportively made a huge difference. I got started on my morning a bit later than usual, but ended up having a much more productive day that felt much less stressful than in previous weeks.

Accepting negative emotions leads to more positive emotions

In my experience of transforming depression into happiness one of the most counter-intuitive techniques I've discovered is simply accepting the bad feelings. Before I discovered this I would put a lot of effort into trying to change my emotions when I felt bad - by doing cognitive work, planning activities, doing something enjoyable, getting bright light or exercising. Or all of the above! It was exhausting and frustrating - sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.


For many years I worked hard at feeling better. Then one day it occurred to me that maybe if I just accepted my feelings they would ebb and flow and reach a natural level that was more positive. To my surprise, this turned out to be true. When I felt a negative feeling - whether depression, anger, irritation or worry - I simply took a deep breath, thought 'I'm feeling this' and let it go. I found that I felt much more relaxed, less driven and stressed about 'making' myself feel good. I also found that in the next hour or few my emotions became much more positive.

Back again!

After an absence of two years I've decided to start writing this blog again. With depression a world-wide epidemic, it seems important to share what I've learned about transforming depression into happiness. In the past few years life has thrown so many adversities at me, in the form of illness, not being able to work, moving far away from all my friends, having people close to me get sick or die, that maintaining my happiness has been the big focus. I'm delighted and proud that I've been able to do this. I know it's because I've worked so hard at making happiness a habit.

Right now I'm facing the house I live in going into a mortgagee sale and not knowing if the new owner will want me to stay on. It just shows that there is no such thing as security - life is always changing and throwing up new things. This provides yet another challenge to maintaining my precious happiness.

What I'm doing to stay happy in the face of this stress is:

• keeping up my habit of writing down the good things that happen each day (or every few days)


• planning enjoyable events


• looking for things in the situation that I can control, however little. For example, I rang the bank's lawyers to find out the time frame for the sale and typed up and distributed this information to tenants in the other houses the landlord owns


• make sure I have regular rest time where I can do enjoyable activities and not think about practical problems.