Who do I make myself happy for - me or others?

This may seem a funny question. Happiness is good, right? So why does it matter who you do it for?

The reason it matters to me is that it affects my motivation to do the things that make me happy. I started having mood swings as a child, and it escalated to clinical depression in my early teens. As I grew up there was no shortage of 'helpful' people in my life telling me things like 'smile', 'just be happy' and (the worst) 'cheer up - it may never happen'. My mother's hairdresser was a particular offender. For his troubles he earned my famous death stare, which soon shut him up.

Then there were the high school 'friends' who made it clear they weren't interested in hearing about or seeing any signs of my depression. Needless to say I soon got pretty good at pasting a smile over my sadness, like so many other people with this terrible disease. It did not make me feel accepted or cared about (or happy!) but lonely and leprous, like the real me was not OK.

Some other 'helpful' people write books and articles advising depressed people to 'think about other people more than yourself'. They may even say depressed people are selfish or self-absorbed. Particularly with people who - like me - have attempted suicide, they may point to the pain caused to other people as a reason to stop being depressed and suicidal. I met one young woman who'd had the terrible experience just after a suicide attempt, when she was feeling very vulnerable, of having a psychiatrist yell at her for causing her family so much anguish. Needless to say, this didn't make her feel any less depressed!

So when depression starts intruding to my normal habitual happiness, I find it helpful to shut down the echoes of those 'helpful' voices from the past. It's not that I don't care about how my depression affects others. I do. It's just that I feel so resentful and resistant in the face of these thoughts - just like I did when I was growing up - that it makes me act against my best interests and not do the things I know will make me feel happy.


What works better is to focus on the main reason I want to feel happy - because it makes me feel good. The fact that it is also nicer for others is great, but it's the icing on the cake. The cake is my own good feelings. I've spent too many minutes and hours of my life feeling painful emotions, enviously watching happy people and wishing I was like them. I treasure every moment of happiness I experience, and the reason I work so hard to achieve and maintain it is because it's so pleasurable. So when I feel down I say to myself 'I don't 'have' to feel happy - I want to feel happy for me, because it feels good'. This may seem weird, that I might resist doing something that feels yummy - like resisting eating chocolate! But if you have experienced depression you can probably relate to what I'm saying. Those 'helpful' comments can make you dig your toes in and refuse to do anything, even though you are the one who suffers most as a result. So focusing on feeling happy for yourself can be a way to get past that resistance. And everyone benefits!

Staying happy when times are tough

Life is never perfect (as a reformed perfectionist, I now know this is true!) But for some of us, it's more imperfect than for others. The following circumstances can be a reason:

• being homeless
  


• being out of work
  


• chronic illness
  


• chronic pain
  


• lack of money (particularly when coupled with lots of bills!)
  


• social isolation
  


• living in a war zone.

You get the picture! Barbara Fredrickson has found the happinss is most likely when people feel three or more positive emotions to every negative emotion. Does this apply to negative events too? Is happiness more likely the more positive circumstances we have in our lives? I'm not sure, but I suspect the answer is 'yes'.

In my own experience, being ill, out of work, having money problems and being socially isolated have made it harder to be happy. (I'm thankful to say I haven't ever had to cope with being homeless, in chronic pain or living in a warzone, but I feel for those who do.) But I've also found that negative circumstances don't make happiness impossible - it's a matter of having to work harder to create and maintain the happiness.

I don't want to be Pollyanna-ish about this. Having problems sucks, and when every second phone call seems to be from the taxman, the bank or someone you owe money to, it can be hard to see the world as a sunny place. I know this from personal experience. But in my view it's worth trying, simply because depression is painful and happiness is a whole lot more fun. Look at it this way - it's bad enough having crappy circumstances without feeling depressed into the bargain.

So here are the things I've found help create and maintain happiness in the tough times:

• having a plan for each day, just a list of tasks that can be realistically done (by you - not superman!) each day. I find it helps give focus and increase motivation
  


• having some goals for life that you're working on, such as finding a job, improving health, or creating something
  


• spending time with people you feel close to - this is a biggie
  


• exercise and getting out in natural light are always great for boosting mood, if you can manage them, especially in places of natural beauty



• writing down the positive things that happen each day and what you achieve e.g. I did the dishes, my friend called. Some people prefer to do this weekly but I find that when times are tough, daily works best to help prevent (or offset) a focus on the negatives. I also do way more than 3 each day - as many as I can think of and have time to write



• planning events that could bring pleasure, whether with others, or alone.

It's all about building up the positives in life so they start to outweigh the negatives, as well as noticing the positives when they happen. There's nothing like a lot of negative circumstances to set off negative, depressing thinking. Finding meaning in life also helps to get me through the tough times, in the form of goals I want to achieve, that give me a reason to get up in the morning.