It's very personal - why I write about my own life in public

Why do I expose such personal material in such a public way? Do I really want people who read it to know I had a mammogram the other day? (Not that that's a bad thing!) That I tried to kill myself once, that I have bad days sometimes, and other incredibly personal things? Apparently I do, or I wouldn't write about them! It's not like anyone's got a gun to my head, threatening to shoot me if I don't blog about my personal life. So why do I do it?

I was reminded of the reason I do this when I read a recent post on the very good blog (here on blogger) happinesspursuing (I've posted the link in the list to the left of this post.). It was in answer to a young man who asked 1/ why go on in the face of chronic depression? and 2/ will the depression ever go away? The very thoughtful and constructive response from the guy who does the blog (sorry, didn't get anything as specific as his name!) and people who commented on his post reconnected me with my own purpose in writing about depression and happiness. I do it so that people who are currently suffering from this miserable illness and stumble across my blog can be reassured that it is possible to transform depression into happiness, albeit imperfect and prone to relapse. That is the nature of the beast - relapse is a given, not a possibility. But the more important news is that recovery and happiness are possible.

I know that when I had my first experience of major, suicidal depression in 1982, so bad that I stopped working and spent most of my time hanging out in my pj's, doing my best impression of wallpaper, that I was desperate to hear about people who had recovered. I had a good friend who worked with someone who'd had a very severe depression, so bad she'd voluntarily gone into a private psychiatric hospital, some years before. She'd got well enough to go back to work and function fairly normally, something that had seemed beyond me then. I used to ask my friend about what her workmate had done, and hung on every word I got about her.

So it's a privilege and a pleasure to be able to be that role model I once craved, and give some if the information on what works which I was so desperate to learn. Depression is a worldwide epidemic according to the World Health Organisation, surpassed only by heart disease and predicted to exceed it. Recovery rates are fairly low despite the slew of effective therapies around. (Recovery in this context means going some years without a relapse and reoccurence of symptoms.) So every person who can give a message of hope and recovery to those who suffer has a story worth telling as publicly as possible.

A good self-help book is a good friend

In the course of averting a relapse over the last week, I did something that surprised me. I reached for two books I haven't looked at for a long time. The first was The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns, one of my personal heroes. There are things that he says that I don't agree with, but in general I find his advice incredibly useful. I certainly think I wouldn't still be here without his gentle and wise counsel, via the pages of his books. One of the things I love about David Burns is his honesty. He is not scared to talk about the times he felt scared, or acted silly, and that always makes me feel better about my own human foibles. Another is his compassion. He truly cares about people who suffer from the painful illness of depression, and this is as healing as any technique he writes about.

I didn't read much of the book, just dipped into it here and there to refresh my memory. What I don't agree with is his view that cognitive behavioural therapy is enough to cure depression. This might be true in cases of mild depression, but for me it has not been enough. I've found it incredibly helpful, but not sufficient on its own to lift the grey clouds completely and let the sun shine through. But in my current situation, I know that the problem is more the view I'm taking of my circumstances than the circumstances themselves. So cognitive techniques are very relevant here, as they help me to think about the aversive aspects of my life in a way that isn't emotionally overwhelming. I've done so much cognitive work over the past...gosh, almost thirty years, that just a brief refresher was enough to put me back on course. That and a trip to the seaside over the weekend, to spend time with friends and family.

The other book is The Art of Living by the Dalai Lama, another book that is gentle, compassionate and healing, as well as containing great practical advice. But I'll save that for another post.

A lapse is not a relapse

In writing this blog I feel a certain (wholly internal) pressure to present myself as being happy all the time. But as anyone who has recovered from the terrible illness of depression knows, that is not always the reality. It took me years to accept that depression is a chronically relapsing illness - that however wonderful I might feel, and however solid those feelings seem, I carry within me the possibility of feeling bad and can't really predict what might come along to set it off. Right now, after a good start at getting on with reality following a wonderful holiday, reality has turned round and bit me in the bum! There just seems to be a little too much of it. When chores and challenges seem to outweigh fun and pleasure it becomes tempting to focus on the frustrations and difficulties in life. If I then blow them up to much bigger than life size they start to they crowd out all the good things. That leads to some of the painful feelings I'm experiencing at the moment, albeit at a mild level.

I don't know about other people, but to me depression always feels like failure. The reason I write publicly about these moments in this blog is that I know how important it is to me when I read or hear that other people don't always feel great. I don't mean that I want others to suffer, or resent their happiness. It's more that it's reassuring to know we are all human, and all fart in the bath sometimes, even the people who I revere as great role models. So reading about how the Dalai Lama had a terrible problem with his temper makes me feel a lot better about how angry and irritable I get sometimes. Likewise reading that Dr David Burns, the great psychiatrist and author of 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' and other powerful books, yelled at his son or was a geek who couldn't get a date at high school makes it easier to accept that I'm not always the person I'd like to be. Or hearing that John Kirwan, the All Black I most admire because of his honesty about his struggles with depression, still has the odd down day.

Perfection is intimidating, because we are not built to be perfect. But what I know after all my years of transforming depression into happiness is that a lapse does not have to be a relapse. If I use the tools I've learned - like recognising and challenging distorted thoughts, planning my day (including fun and pleasure!), writing down the good things, talking to trusted friends, getting outside for exercise and bright light, accepting my feelings and working on a goal - this too shall pass, and I'll be back in my happy place.

Making time for the good things in life

I just got back last week from a trip to my home town of Wellington, one of the loveliest little cities I've ever seen. It was great seeing friends and familiar, loved places. Being on holiday and hanging out with some of my favourite people meant there was no shortage of good things to record in my journal (although there was a slight problem with being too busy to get round to it for days on end! Or this blog!) The picture on the right is Oriental Bay, one of my favorite places on earth, where I had a lovely 'walk' in one of the mobility scooters the city provides free accompanied by my sister, on a day when it looked just like this. The gelatos we had from Caffe Eis made it even more of a pleasurable experience!

After all that fun coming home could have been a bummer. Luckily I had planned the holiday so I had some days to get over going on holiday! I had a pile of newspapers and magazines a friend passes on to me to read (one of my favourite lazy day activities), a garden to dig and seedlings to plant. The days passed in a pleasant haze with lots of good things to enjoy and write about. But over this sunny time loomed the dark cloud marked 'back to reality on Monday'. Work (which I actually love), finances and admin (not so much fun) and just the normal humdrum routine. To keep my sunny holiday mood it was important to plan good things - like a walk with a friend and her dog, phone calls to people I like, andspending time in the garden in the early morning or evening.

Even more important was making time to notice all the good things that happen each day. Once my routine took over, the good things decreased in number, crowded out by finances and admin. This is where my routine really works for me, because it is my habit to write down each day the good things from the day before. I've done it for decades, so it feels strange if I don't do it. If I'm running short of time or feeling bored, I make it just three good things. Anything can go in there - the fact that I got the washing in before it rained, making a nice meal, talking on the phone to a friend, getting an administrative task I'd been dreading done and finding it not so bad! Some people like to write the good things down once a week, but in my situation of coping with a chronic illness, low income, and all the paperwork that goes with being on a benefit, writing them down daily helps me notice that they do happen, and helps keep my mood sunny. Now I'm back to reality and still feeling good.