Heading off a relapse

If I don’t watch it I’m going to crash. I can see the signs. Things like:
• Waking up in the early hours of the morning and lying awake worrying and fretting about things that have gone wrong or may go wrong
• Shaky mood some days, with moments of depression at times
• Feeling that life is too much and I can’t cope
• Getting angry and frustrated.

My happiness is like a precious metal in a vault. I need to monitor it, keep guard, watch for the alarm signals that tell me it’s at risk. If I don’t guard it zealously I will lose it – again. Not for a long time this time, but I’ve had enough depression in my life that I don’t want a moment more if I can avoid it. And I can.

So here’s what I’m doing to make sure my mood doesn’t crash:
• Reducing my stress levels, not taking on tasks that would be too much, avoiding stressful meetings
• Organising regular social contact, visiting and ringing friends, having people round for dinner
• Making a note of good things, what I’ve achieved and what I’m looking forward to each morning
• Talking to my counsellor
• Sticking to my routine so I don’t get exhausted
• Getting more time outside for bright light.

If I catch it in time I should be fine. What I’ve learned over the years is that keeping watch over my precious happiness and taking quick action to protect it avoids hours of heartache.

Doing something nice for my future self

The other night I came home late after seeing a friend and found someone had laid the fire ready to light and filled up the water bottle I keep by my bed. Not big things, but not having to do them when I was tired made me feel cared for and special. Knowing that someone had been thoughtful enough to come in and do these things for me gave me a warm feeling.

In fact it wasn’t a big mystery who had done them. I had felt well enough to lay the fire and fill the water bottle before I left home. But that didn’t matter. I felt as cared for and nurtured as if a friend or my mother had come in and done it for me.

This reminded me about a technique I’ve used in the past to motivate myself to do things. Instead of thinking ‘I should…’ or ‘I ought to…’ do x, y or z I think of it as doing a favour for myself. I project myself into the future and think how pleased I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow and find the dishes are done or I’ve paid those bills. When I reframe it as something I’m doing for myself, rather than something I’m making myself do because of some external pressure or standard, my feelings about the task change completely. And when my future self realises that the task is done I feel nurtured and cared about, just as much as if someone else had done it for me.