A good self-help book is a good friend

In the course of averting a relapse over the last week, I did something that surprised me. I reached for two books I haven't looked at for a long time. The first was The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns, one of my personal heroes. There are things that he says that I don't agree with, but in general I find his advice incredibly useful. I certainly think I wouldn't still be here without his gentle and wise counsel, via the pages of his books. One of the things I love about David Burns is his honesty. He is not scared to talk about the times he felt scared, or acted silly, and that always makes me feel better about my own human foibles. Another is his compassion. He truly cares about people who suffer from the painful illness of depression, and this is as healing as any technique he writes about.

I didn't read much of the book, just dipped into it here and there to refresh my memory. What I don't agree with is his view that cognitive behavioural therapy is enough to cure depression. This might be true in cases of mild depression, but for me it has not been enough. I've found it incredibly helpful, but not sufficient on its own to lift the grey clouds completely and let the sun shine through. But in my current situation, I know that the problem is more the view I'm taking of my circumstances than the circumstances themselves. So cognitive techniques are very relevant here, as they help me to think about the aversive aspects of my life in a way that isn't emotionally overwhelming. I've done so much cognitive work over the past...gosh, almost thirty years, that just a brief refresher was enough to put me back on course. That and a trip to the seaside over the weekend, to spend time with friends and family.

The other book is The Art of Living by the Dalai Lama, another book that is gentle, compassionate and healing, as well as containing great practical advice. But I'll save that for another post.

A lapse is not a relapse

In writing this blog I feel a certain (wholly internal) pressure to present myself as being happy all the time. But as anyone who has recovered from the terrible illness of depression knows, that is not always the reality. It took me years to accept that depression is a chronically relapsing illness - that however wonderful I might feel, and however solid those feelings seem, I carry within me the possibility of feeling bad and can't really predict what might come along to set it off. Right now, after a good start at getting on with reality following a wonderful holiday, reality has turned round and bit me in the bum! There just seems to be a little too much of it. When chores and challenges seem to outweigh fun and pleasure it becomes tempting to focus on the frustrations and difficulties in life. If I then blow them up to much bigger than life size they start to they crowd out all the good things. That leads to some of the painful feelings I'm experiencing at the moment, albeit at a mild level.

I don't know about other people, but to me depression always feels like failure. The reason I write publicly about these moments in this blog is that I know how important it is to me when I read or hear that other people don't always feel great. I don't mean that I want others to suffer, or resent their happiness. It's more that it's reassuring to know we are all human, and all fart in the bath sometimes, even the people who I revere as great role models. So reading about how the Dalai Lama had a terrible problem with his temper makes me feel a lot better about how angry and irritable I get sometimes. Likewise reading that Dr David Burns, the great psychiatrist and author of 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' and other powerful books, yelled at his son or was a geek who couldn't get a date at high school makes it easier to accept that I'm not always the person I'd like to be. Or hearing that John Kirwan, the All Black I most admire because of his honesty about his struggles with depression, still has the odd down day.

Perfection is intimidating, because we are not built to be perfect. But what I know after all my years of transforming depression into happiness is that a lapse does not have to be a relapse. If I use the tools I've learned - like recognising and challenging distorted thoughts, planning my day (including fun and pleasure!), writing down the good things, talking to trusted friends, getting outside for exercise and bright light, accepting my feelings and working on a goal - this too shall pass, and I'll be back in my happy place.

Books that have helped me feel better

A lot of books have helped me feel happier and/or less depressed. The ones that come top of my list are:

1/ Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy/ The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns

It’s an interesting point whether less depression equals more happiness. I can say without hesitation that Feeling Good helped me feel less depressed, many times. I think it also helped me feel happier, although it wasn’t the total answer. I had a to look a lot further than the techniques Dr Burns teaches to achieve happiness. But these techniques helped me reduce my bad feelings and increase my good feelings, and helped me climb out of many a relapse. The Feeling Good Handbook helped me recover from a serious suicide attempt. Feeling Good has sold 3 million copies and I feel awed and humbled when I consider the number of people David Burns has helped, as well as profoundly grateful he wrote it. I wouldn’t want to be living today (and very possibly would not be) without the things I learned from his books.

2/ Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman

I cam across this book fairly late in the piece. Whereas I first encountered cognitive and behavioural techniques in 1982 after an episode of major depression, I didn’t find this landmark work until the late 90’s, when I largely had my depression under control. But it blew me away nonetheless. This book is about how thinking optimistically can not only make you feel better but help you be more successful in work and other areas of life. Research has since shown that optimistic thinking increases good health and life span. I found the book mind blowing and use the techniques it outlines to this day.