Habitually happy

5 ways to feel better quickly

2012-02-07T12:11:00.006+13:00

Here are my top 5 ways of feeling better quickly:

accept my emotions and just feel them - they tend to fade away
focus on what's happening around me - noises, smells, the temperature of the air on my skin
do something - it doesn't have to be grand, it can be doing the dishes, but taking action almost always makes me feel better. Going for a walk is a good one because it's a triple whammy - you get action, exercise and bright light all in one hit!
do something pleasurable - whether it's watching a favorite TV program or a funny movie, going for a walk, meeting a friend for a coffee or taking the dogs for walk in a beautiful park, this will almost always life my spirits
notice the good things in my life - whether it's once a day or less often it doesn't really matter, it can be written down or just in my head. The key thing is to focus on them.

Extra tip: reflecting on the good things in my day when I go to bed helps me get a good night's sleep!

Thinking myself happy

2012-02-05T13:00:00.011+13:00

Sometimes I wonder if I can truly say I’ve transformed my depression into happiness, especially when I have a week or two when I feel low. At times like that I feel a fraud, and my motivation to write goes way downhill. I had one of those times recently, and thought seriously about throwing in the towel (on my book – not on my life!)

But then I took myself in hand and asked myself two questions. They were:

1. Why do I want to be happy? and

2. What is stopping me from being happy?

The answer to question 1 was pretty easy. I want to be happy because it feels good. I know from the work of Barbara Fredrickson and others that there are lots of positive downstream effects of happiness, like heightened creativity, more success at work and better relationships. But in those moments when I’m experiencing life through a filter of misery and emotional pain, feeling good becomes my overwhelming motivation for taking action.

The answer to the second question was also reasonably obvious. While it’s true that living away from my home town of many years and my close friends means I have less social support than previously, and being chronically ill and on a low income creates a lot of stress, I know that I can still be happy despite these things. What was clear to me from my journaling was that the main thing stopping me from being happy was my thinking.

I did some more journaling and isolated the two major thought patterns that were resulting in misery. They were oldies but baddies! One was about how hard life was. ‘Yes, it is,’ was my response, ‘but it’s even harder when I’m depressed! When I’m happy I can cope with the difficulties life throws at me and still enjoy it.’

Having worked on these thought patterns many times in the past I had some answers to them already. Over the period of a few days I kept jotting them down, looking for the ‘heavy hitters' - the answers that delivered the best payload in terms of making me feel better. Then I did my best to turn them into easy to remember catch phrases. One was ‘life is hard but full of opportunities’, another ‘the steps I’m taking now will make my future a lot easier’. That helped me re-frame my current circumstances.

The effect wasn’t instant, but over time I gradually started to feel better. After a week I was feeling pretty good indeed. I was enjoying my own company again, rather than trying to run away from the painful thoughts by reading, watching TV and working to an unhealthy degree. It gave me a lot of confidence to know I could get on top of painful feelings when they surfaced. It also reinforced my desire to write about how to do this so I can share the message with others who are depressed that it is indeed possible to transform depression into happiness.

How do you know you're happy?

2012-01-24T16:39:00.015+13:00

How do you know you're happy? And what is happiness anyway? I'd been thinking about these questions in my own life when I found them repeated in a very interesting book by Harvard psychology lecturer Tal Ben-Shahar, called Happier. The reason I'd been thinking about them is because I recently started using a couple of measures of happiness to track my mood (more on the reasons for this in another post). The content of the measures included the obvious things like finding life more pleasurable than painful, and enjoying one's daily routine, along with less obvious things like finding life meaningful and one's perception of how quickly time passes. I scored quite high on things like finding life meaningful and loving my work (in fact I scored the highest you can score). But for me this is not what happiness is about. The first day I did the test (called Authentic Happiness Inventory, from the Authentic Happiness website) I scored reasonably high but actually felt slightly unhappy. The next time I did the test, a few days later, I felt very happy, but actually scored lower than the previous time. All this made me think about what happiness means to me, and how I know I'm happy.

Tal Ben-Shahar, looking mildly happy!

So when Tal Ben-Shahar asked 'How would you define happiness?' and 'What does happiness mean to you' I was ready!! I quickly replied (to myself, silently!) 'it means contentment, serenity, enjoying my daily routine, and having pleasurable feelings'. By the last comment I don't mean pleasurable feelings from having an orgasm, buying a new pair of shoes or eating chocolate. I mean the more difficult to define pleasurable feelings that feel like they occur in the cranium, and that any depressed person will tell you are lacking. Not only lacking, but replaced by painful feelings. It's not about the highs, not about bliss, but about feeling comfortable in myself, able to enjoy the many pleasures in life without experiencing them through a filter of painful emotions. I think it's great that I find life meaningful, that I love my work and that I feel like I make a positive contribution to the world. But these things do not constitute happiness to me. They help my happiness, but to me, happiness is in the pleasant, stable feelings that allow me to enjoy life to the full.

So back to the question, 'how do you know you're happy?' which Ben-Shahar also asks. While it's interesting and useful to track my happiness using the Authentic Happiness Inventory and General Happiness Scale (also from the Authentic Happiness website), I've decided to add another measure - one I invented myself. I've called it My Happiness Scale. Ben-Shahar says in his book that he doesn't think happiness is dichotomous, that is, that you're either happy or not happy. Based on my experiences I disagree. I do tend to feel either happy or not happy (although some days I can switch from one state to the other and back again). But it does differ in intensity. My scale recognises this by using 9 points. It goes like this:

Right now I feel:

9 Extremely happy
8 Very happy
7 Pretty happy
6 Slightly happy
5 Neither happy or sad (I know I said this doesn't happen to me, but I felt I should put in a neutral option to be thorough and fair!)
4 Slightly sad
3 Quite sad
2 Very sad
1 Extremely sad

My scores are based entirely on my subjective feelings at that moment. And guess what? I feel happy with my measure of happiness!

UPOs - happiness out the blue

2012-01-24T16:20:00.010+13:00

What is a UPO? Not an Unidentified Plying Object, but an Unexpected Positive Occurrence! It's something that makes you feel good that happens completely out of the blue. For example, finding $10 on the sidewalk, or a phone call from a friend you haven't heard from in a while.

I came up with this concept during a long and dark depression many years ago. It helped me remember that - no matter how gloomy my current circumstances seemed - there was still hope of good things happening completely out of the blue to make my life much better.

Over the years I've gotten into the habit of writing down the UPOs that happen, whether small or big, in the section at the back of my journal dedicated to tracking the good things in my life. I also swap lists of UPOs with friends by email. Here is a list of my recent UPOs.

a friend rang out of the blue to offer me a whole swag of veges from her garden, which meant I needed to buy almost none in my weekly grocery shop
my neighbour, who I've not always got on wonderfully well with, offered me a bag of fresh plums from the tree in his garden
a friend rang up to say she'd bought me a jar of the delicious red pepper dip I like from a discount deli shop for $1 when I hadn't even known she was going there. Bonus!
I took my dogs to a different place to walk from usual because our normal park was being used for sports. We had a wonderful time across the other side of town walking beside a stream lined with gorgeous trees. The dogs had a ball in the different surroundings and I found all the stresses of the day just floated away
a friend rang out of the blue when I was feeling ill and was incredibly supportive, even offering to pick up some groceries if I needed her to
I left home in the rain and was dreading driving over a range of hills in the wet weather but just before I reached them the bad weather cleared up and I was able to drive over them in bright sunshine
a friend rang and invited me and another friend round to afternoon tea, something she's never done before, and
I got an email from someone interested in coming to the writers' group I coordinate.

Has something nice happened to you out the blue and boosted your spirits? If so I'd love to hear about it. To post a comment, just click on the 'x comments' line at the bottom of this post.

All the techniques that make me feel good

2012-01-08T10:25:00.010+13:00

Wine is not on this list, much as I love a glass of good merlot! Neither is chocolate, even though I consider it one of the essential food groups. Instead this is a list of all the strategies and techniques I use to keep my mood positive, and lift it when it drops.

I'm always interested when I hear one thing being recommended as the answer to depression, whether it's an antidepressant, cognitive therapy or exercise. That's because my experience is that I needed a whole range of things to transform my depression into happiness. I kept adding one thing after another until I reached a critical mass that pushed me over the edge - in a good way! I still use all these things to maintain and protect my good mood. They include:

writing down the good things that happen to me most days, three or more things, or however many I want. (If I don't feel like doing it, I don't.) Some people prefer to do this once a week and doing it that often seems to work just as well
writing down the things I am looking forward to and ticking them off when they happen, especially small, predictable things, like my delicious fruit smoothie for breakfast
planning social times with friends, acquaintances, and family
getting as much exercise as I am able without making the chronic physical illness I suffer from worse, particularly walking with my dogs
getting out in the daylight, even when it's raining, even if it's just sitting in the car with the window rolled down while the dogs run around in the park!
taking 6000mg of fish oil each day (half in the morning, half at night)
planning my day and week so it doesn't seem overwhelming, I keep on top of chores and finances, I get some work done each week, and I have fun times
listening to my thoughts and being alert to any of the cognitive distortions, particularly a focus on the negatives and ignoring the positives
talking back to them in my head, and if that's not working, writing them down and looking for holes in my logic or facts that I can correct
doing things that build my positive emotions, such as watching TV programs that are funny or inspiring (like Monk, about the annoying but brilliant obsessive compulsive detective), or reading books that make me feel good (although these are harder to find than visual media), spending fun times with people, working on my book or blogs, going for walks
mindfulness - now this is a challenge as I find it pretty boring! My best technique so far has been a recorded grounding meditation which doesn't focus on breathing (my pet hate - not breathing per se, but focusing entirely on it, especially through my nose. I just don't find my nose that interesting!). I like mindfulness because it focuses on what I hear, feel, see, smell and taste inside me and outside me, and I can open my eyes and even move around while I'm doing it
when I feel a painful or negative emotion just accepting it and feeling it, not panicking or rushing to try and change it
eating a diet that's low in sugar and caffeine, and reasonably high in protein and fibre, with less omega 6 and more omega 3 essential fatty acids than the average diet contains (that means avoiding processed foods and eating fresh food and wholegrains as much as possible)
doing things that are creative and put me in a state of flow, where I lose myself in the activity, like cooking a new dish or writing
and one of my favorites, work, whether paid or unpaid. There's a lot of research showing that people who are depressed and unemployed feel much better when they find work, as long as it's not too stressful (i.e. with more demands than they can realistically manage). Work involves so many things that are useful in themselves - planning, social contact, flow, the satisfaction of achieving goals. I call it the therapy I get paid to do
savoring the enjoyable sensations and events in my life by noticing them when they happen and celebrating them with others
building up my relationships by responding very positively to the good things that happen to others and keeping mainly to positive topics in the conversation as well as asking questions and finding things to agree with in what people say
using problem solving skills to deal with practical problems so they don't become overwhelming and de-rail me
noticing the danger signals that my mood is likely to go down (poor sleep, crying, conflict in relationships, irritation) and acting quickly to make sure it doesn't happen
there are probably a few things that I've left out but that's enough for now!

I find that building these things into my daily and weekly routine results in a more stable and positive mood, and much more happiness.

Do antidepressants make depression worse?

2012-01-07T11:05:00.010+13:00

I just read a book that made me wonder about the adverse effects of antidepressant meds even more than I usually do. I've had my own terrible experiences with them, but I thought that once I was off tricyclics and on St John's Wort my problems with harmful (and in my case, life threatening) med side effects were over. But apparently that might not be the case.

The book that got me wondering is Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker (the link above will take you to his website if you want to find out more about it. The madinamerica link takes you to his blog and a whole lot of other interesting stuff). The book is about the impact psychiatric drugs have on a whole range of mental illlnesses, including depression. The author (whose smiling face appears to the right - this is the look a best selling author wears!) investigates how much these drugs actually help and harm the people who take them in the long term. His conclusions make disturbing reading, but I didn't expect them to apply to my life. It appears I might be wrong.

As I read about people with schizophrenia developing tardive dyskinesia (uncontrollable twitching), intellectual decline, and the inability to hold down a job, while getting progressively worse than people not taking antipsychotic drugs, I thought 'those poor people'. As I read about people who took tranquillizers becoming addicted, developing depression and ending up worse off than anxious people who didn't take the meds I again thought 'those poor people'. But when I read about how taking antidepressants - tricyclic or SSRI - can result in worse and more frequent symptoms of depression compared to not taking the drugs, I thought 'that's outrageous!' Because that's about me. I took a tricyclic for the best part of 16 years. I've been on St John's Wort, which has some SSRI type properties, for the best part of 14 years. That's 30 years of antidepressant medication all up. Just what has this been doing to me?

What Robert Whitaker said about the long-term effects of antidepressant use truly shocked me, and made me re-evaluate my experiences of depression. He said that prior to the introduction of antidepressants, in the 1950's and 60's, an episode of depression usually cleared up by itself within a year and the majority (around 70%) of people went back to their normal lives. This rang a bell because I remember reading this when I first got seriously depressed, in 1982. The reason I had forgotten it is because my experience for many years was of chronically relapsing depression. I had assumed that this was just the way it went, and this assumption was echoed by what I read. What did I know?

But according to research cited in Anatomy of an Epidemic, people who use antidepressants are likely to relapse more, and have less relief from their symptoms than those who don't use meds (62% decrease in symptoms over 6 months for those off meds vs 33% decrease for those on meds). An international study by the World Health Organisation found that the people who did best after an episode of depression were those who didn't take any meds. The people who did worst were those who did as recommended and kept taking the pills.

All this has made me wonder whether the continual relapses I suffered during the 80's and my 'nightmare years' during the early 90's, when I was almost continously depressed and suicidal for 4 years, were due less to the natural progression of the illness and more to the fact that as soon as I was diagnosed with major depression, I was prescribed tricyclic antidepressants. The irony is that they didn't stop the depression. If anything, they made it harder for me to feel happy - things became a lot greyer and less fun while I took them.

My personal triumph is that I persisted with learning and using cognitive and behavioral techniques, along with other approaches proven to reduce depression, and succeeded in becoming happy despite any ill effects the meds might have had. But what I'm wondering now is...if I had never taken antidepressants would have I avoided a lot of that misery? Would the full impact of CBT unimpeded by meds have led to a consistent happiness? If so, that's a terrible thing. That means all those years of misery were unnecessary and avoidable, and that I was robbed of a huge part of my life. I'm only glad I got off tricyclics and onto St John's Wort. But now I'm wondering...is even that safe? I'm pondering the wisdom of taking a drug holiday and seeing what happens. But I've learnt my lesson - if I do I will cut down my meds very slowly and carefully because I know if I stop too quickly, disaster could be waiting - but more on that in a future post.

Who do I make myself happy for - me or others?

2011-12-15T11:03:00.009+13:00

This may seem a funny question. Happiness is good, right? So why does it matter who you do it for?

The reason it matters to me is that it affects my motivation to do the things that make me happy. I started having mood swings as a child, and it escalated to clinical depression in my early teens. As I grew up there was no shortage of 'helpful' people in my life telling me things like 'smile', 'just be happy' and (the worst) 'cheer up - it may never happen'. My mother's hairdresser was a particular offender. For his troubles he earned my famous death stare, which soon shut him up.

Then there were the high school 'friends' who made it clear they weren't interested in hearing about or seeing any signs of my depression. Needless to say I soon got pretty good at pasting a smile over my sadness, like so many other people with this terrible disease. It did not make me feel accepted or cared about (or happy!) but lonely and leprous, like the real me was not OK.

Some other 'helpful' people write books and articles advising depressed people to 'think about other people more than yourself'. They may even say depressed people are selfish or self-absorbed. Particularly with people who - like me - have attempted suicide, they may point to the pain caused to other people as a reason to stop being depressed and suicidal. I met one young woman who'd had the terrible experience just after a suicide attempt, when she was feeling very vulnerable, of having a psychiatrist yell at her for causing her family so much anguish. Needless to say, this didn't make her feel any less depressed!

So when depression starts intruding to my normal habitual happiness, I find it helpful to shut down the echoes of those 'helpful' voices from the past. It's not that I don't care about how my depression affects others. I do. It's just that I feel so resentful and resistant in the face of these thoughts - just like I did when I was growing up - that it makes me act against my best interests and not do the things I know will make me feel happy.

What works better is to focus on the main reason I want to feel happy - because it makes me feel good. The fact that it is also nicer for others is great, but it's the icing on the cake. The cake is my own good feelings. I've spent too many minutes and hours of my life feeling painful emotions, enviously watching happy people and wishing I was like them. I treasure every moment of happiness I experience, and the reason I work so hard to achieve and maintain it is because it's so pleasurable. So when I feel down I say to myself 'I don't 'have' to feel happy - I want to feel happy for me, because it feels good'. This may seem weird, that I might resist doing something that feels yummy - like resisting eating chocolate! But if you have experienced depression you can probably relate to what I'm saying. Those 'helpful' comments can make you dig your toes in and refuse to do anything, even though you are the one who suffers most as a result. So focusing on feeling happy for yourself can be a way to get past that resistance. And everyone benefits!

Staying happy when times are tough

2011-12-13T13:48:00.007+13:00

Life is never perfect (as a reformed perfectionist, I now know this is true!) But for some of us, it's more imperfect than for others. The following circumstances can be a reason:

being homeless

being out of work

chronic illness

chronic pain

lack of money (particularly when coupled with lots of bills!)

social isolation

living in a war zone.

You get the picture! Barbara Fredrickson has found the happinss is most likely when people feel three or more positive emotions to every negative emotion. Does this apply to negative events too? Is happiness more likely the more positive circumstances we have in our lives? I'm not sure, but I suspect the answer is 'yes'.

In my own experience, being ill, out of work, having money problems and being socially isolated have made it harder to be happy. (I'm thankful to say I haven't ever had to cope with being homeless, in chronic pain or living in a warzone, but I feel for those who do.) But I've also found that negative circumstances don't make happiness impossible - it's a matter of having to work harder to create and maintain the happiness.

I don't want to be Pollyanna-ish about this. Having problems sucks, and when every second phone call seems to be from the taxman, the bank or someone you owe money to, it can be hard to see the world as a sunny place. I know this from personal experience. But in my view it's worth trying, simply because depression is painful and happiness is a whole lot more fun. Look at it this way - it's bad enough having crappy circumstances without feeling depressed into the bargain.

So here are the things I've found help create and maintain happiness in the tough times:

having a plan for each day, just a list of tasks that can be realistically done (by you - not superman!) each day. I find it helps give focus and increase motivation

having some goals for life that you're working on, such as finding a job, improving health, or creating something

spending time with people you feel close to - this is a biggie

exercise and getting out in natural light are always great for boosting mood, if you can manage them, especially in places of natural beauty

writing down the positive things that happen each day and what you achieve e.g. I did the dishes, my friend called. Some people prefer to do this weekly but I find that when times are tough, daily works best to help prevent (or offset) a focus on the negatives. I also do way more than 3 each day - as many as I can think of and have time to write

planning events that could bring pleasure, whether with others, or alone.

It's all about building up the positives in life so they start to outweigh the negatives, as well as noticing the positives when they happen. There's nothing like a lot of negative circumstances to set off negative, depressing thinking. Finding meaning in life also helps to get me through the tough times, in the form of goals I want to achieve, that give me a reason to get up in the morning.

It's very personal - why I write about my own life in public

2011-11-26T10:56:00.008+13:00

Why do I expose such personal material in such a public way? Do I really want people who read it to know I had a mammogram the other day? (Not that that's a bad thing!) That I tried to kill myself once, that I have bad days sometimes, and other incredibly personal things? Apparently I do, or I wouldn't write about them! It's not like anyone's got a gun to my head, threatening to shoot me if I don't blog about my personal life. So why do I do it?

I was reminded of the reason I do this when I read a recent post on the very good blog (here on blogger) happinesspursuing (I've posted the link in the list to the left of this post.). It was in answer to a young man who asked 1/ why go on in the face of chronic depression? and 2/ will the depression ever go away? The very thoughtful and constructive response from the guy who does the blog (sorry, didn't get anything as specific as his name!) and people who commented on his post reconnected me with my own purpose in writing about depression and happiness. I do it so that people who are currently suffering from this miserable illness and stumble across my blog can be reassured that it is possible to transform depression into happiness, albeit imperfect and prone to relapse. That is the nature of the beast - relapse is a given, not a possibility. But the more important news is that recovery and happiness are possible.

I know that when I had my first experience of major, suicidal depression in 1982, so bad that I stopped working and spent most of my time hanging out in my pj's, doing my best impression of wallpaper, that I was desperate to hear about people who had recovered. I had a good friend who worked with someone who'd had a very severe depression, so bad she'd voluntarily gone into a private psychiatric hospital, some years before. She'd got well enough to go back to work and function fairly normally, something that had seemed beyond me then. I used to ask my friend about what her workmate had done, and hung on every word I got about her.

So it's a privilege and a pleasure to be able to be that role model I once craved, and give some if the information on what works which I was so desperate to learn. Depression is a worldwide epidemic according to the World Health Organisation, surpassed only by heart disease and predicted to exceed it. Recovery rates are fairly low despite the slew of effective therapies around. (Recovery in this context means going some years without a relapse and reoccurence of symptoms.) So every person who can give a message of hope and recovery to those who suffer has a story worth telling as publicly as possible.

A good self-help book is a good friend

2011-11-21T16:28:00.007+13:00

In the course of averting a relapse over the last week, I did something that surprised me. I reached for two books I haven't looked at for a long time. The first was The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns, one of my personal heroes. There are things that he says that I don't agree with, but in general I find his advice incredibly useful. I certainly think I wouldn't still be here without his gentle and wise counsel, via the pages of his books. One of the things I love about David Burns is his honesty. He is not scared to talk about the times he felt scared, or acted silly, and that always makes me feel better about my own human foibles. Another is his compassion. He truly cares about people who suffer from the painful illness of depression, and this is as healing as any technique he writes about.

I didn't read much of the book, just dipped into it here and there to refresh my memory. What I don't agree with is his view that cognitive behavioural therapy is enough to cure depression. This might be true in cases of mild depression, but for me it has not been enough. I've found it incredibly helpful, but not sufficient on its own to lift the grey clouds completely and let the sun shine through. But in my current situation, I know that the problem is more the view I'm taking of my circumstances than the circumstances themselves. So cognitive techniques are very relevant here, as they help me to think about the aversive aspects of my life in a way that isn't emotionally overwhelming. I've done so much cognitive work over the past...gosh, almost thirty years, that just a brief refresher was enough to put me back on course. That and a trip to the seaside over the weekend, to spend time with friends and family.

The other book is The Art of Living by the Dalai Lama, another book that is gentle, compassionate and healing, as well as containing great practical advice. But I'll save that for another post.

A lapse is not a relapse

2011-11-20T07:01:00.012+13:00

In writing this blog I feel a certain (wholly internal) pressure to present myself as being happy all the time. But as anyone who has recovered from the terrible illness of depression knows, that is not always the reality. It took me years to accept that depression is a chronically relapsing illness - that however wonderful I might feel, and however solid those feelings seem, I carry within me the possibility of feeling bad and can't really predict what might come along to set it off. Right now, after a good start at getting on with reality following a wonderful holiday, reality has turned round and bit me in the bum! There just seems to be a little too much of it. When chores and challenges seem to outweigh fun and pleasure it becomes tempting to focus on the frustrations and difficulties in life. If I then blow them up to much bigger than life size they start to they crowd out all the good things. That leads to some of the painful feelings I'm experiencing at the moment, albeit at a mild level.

I don't know about other people, but to me depression always feels like failure. The reason I write publicly about these moments in this blog is that I know how important it is to me when I read or hear that other people don't always feel great. I don't mean that I want others to suffer, or resent their happiness. It's more that it's reassuring to know we are all human, and all fart in the bath sometimes, even the people who I revere as great role models. So reading about how the Dalai Lama had a terrible problem with his temper makes me feel a lot better about how angry and irritable I get sometimes. Likewise reading that Dr David Burns, the great psychiatrist and author of 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' and other powerful books, yelled at his son or was a geek who couldn't get a date at high school makes it easier to accept that I'm not always the person I'd like to be. Or hearing that John Kirwan, the All Black I most admire because of his honesty about his struggles with depression, still has the odd down day.

Perfection is intimidating, because we are not built to be perfect. But what I know after all my years of transforming depression into happiness is that a lapse does not have to be a relapse. If I use the tools I've learned - like recognising and challenging distorted thoughts, planning my day (including fun and pleasure!), writing down the good things, talking to trusted friends, getting outside for exercise and bright light, accepting my feelings and working on a goal - this too shall pass, and I'll be back in my happy place.

Making time for the good things in life

2011-11-08T13:05:00.016+13:00

I just got back last week from a trip to my home town of Wellington, one of the loveliest little cities I've ever seen. It was great seeing friends and familiar, loved places. Being on holiday and hanging out with some of my favourite people meant there was no shortage of good things to record in my journal (although there was a slight problem with being too busy to get round to it for days on end! Or this blog!) The picture on the right is Oriental Bay, one of my favorite places on earth, where I had a lovely 'walk' in one of the mobility scooters the city provides free accompanied by my sister, on a day when it looked just like this. The gelatos we had from Caffe Eis made it even more of a pleasurable experience!

After all that fun coming home could have been a bummer. Luckily I had planned the holiday so I had some days to get over going on holiday! I had a pile of newspapers and magazines a friend passes on to me to read (one of my favourite lazy day activities), a garden to dig and seedlings to plant. The days passed in a pleasant haze with lots of good things to enjoy and write about. But over this sunny time loomed the dark cloud marked 'back to reality on Monday'. Work (which I actually love), finances and admin (not so much fun) and just the normal humdrum routine. To keep my sunny holiday mood it was important to plan good things - like a walk with a friend and her dog, phone calls to people I like, andspending time in the garden in the early morning or evening.

Even more important was making time to notice all the good things that happen each day. Once my routine took over, the good things decreased in number, crowded out by finances and admin. This is where my routine really works for me, because it is my habit to write down each day the good things from the day before. I've done it for decades, so it feels strange if I don't do it. If I'm running short of time or feeling bored, I make it just three good things. Anything can go in there - the fact that I got the washing in before it rained, making a nice meal, talking on the phone to a friend, getting an administrative task I'd been dreading done and finding it not so bad! Some people like to write the good things down once a week, but in my situation of coping with a chronic illness, low income, and all the paperwork that goes with being on a benefit, writing them down daily helps me notice that they do happen, and helps keep my mood sunny. Now I'm back to reality and still feeling good.

Being happy when life is crappy

2011-10-23T09:49:00.006+13:00

Recently I've noticed that I've fallen into a bad old habit. It's thinking that I can only be happy if everything in my life goes well. I've worked hard to develop new thinking habits over the past 30 years but the old ones still occasionally poke their heads through, like weeds in a flower garden. My best weedkiller for this pesky idea is summed up by the slogan 'I can be happy even when life is crappy.' This reminds me that life doesn't have to be perfect for me to enjoy it.

In fact it goes even further, and reminds me that life is never perfect. If I look hard enough I'll always find something that I could be upset about. I could always lose a little weight, have a little bit more money or energy, have better relationships or more vocational success. The trick with being happy when things are crappy is to notice the positives that do happen, and plan activities that are engrossing and meaningful, as well as fun. Having goals also helps. More than anything it's about where I direct my focus - onto what's wrong, or what I'm enjoying, planning and achieving.

CBT - Chocolate Behavioural Therapy

2011-10-18T14:01:00.003+13:00

Yesterday was a tough day. The threatened mortgagee sale, with the consequent strain on my relationships with family members as we disagree on how to deal with it, and the uncertainty about where I will live, became a threat to my happiness. By early afternoon I was feeling completely miserable. Luckily I had an appointment for a free mammogram that got me out of the house. One of my tried and true techniques for lifting my mood is 'do something - anything' so I knew that simply getting dressed and going out would help. I barely talked to the poor radiologist, worried that one kind word would lead to me losing control and sobbing into the x-ray machine. After the x-ray what I most wanted was a packet of chocolate mint slices - I was sure that would make me feel better!

But before taking such drastic action I headed off the to the park. It was grey and raining (which didn't do anything for my mood!) but the dogs seemed happy to run around while I sat in the car and had a good cry. By the time I joined the dogs the rain had cleared (from both inside and outside the car!) and, with a warm hat and scarf, it was reasonably pleasant. I took a bag to pick up pine cones for the fire, and managed a walk right round the soccer field, quite a long way for me. I knew the bright light and exercise would help my mood, and by the time we got back to the car I felt a lot better.

But not so much better that I had changed my mind about chocolate mint slices! I don't know what it is about chocolate, but it does have a miraculous effect on my mood. (Shame about the disastrous effect on my teeth.) I was moderate in one respect - I bought the budget version! Back home with my spoils I decided to go on with my financial management activities, as I knew achieving something there would make me feel better too. I find behavioural techniques marvelous because they involve so little thinking and inward looking, and actually help me get things ticked on my to do list as well! But to lesssen any feeling of drudgery I watched some funny television programmes while I worked on my laptop.

A bath followed by a UPO (unexpected positive occurence) did the final work on lifting my mood - a friend called and after a heart to heart with her I felt a lot better. When I woke up this morning I heard the sound of the dawn chorus with joy and excitement rather than the sinking feeling I'd had the day before. So I think it's firmly established - chocolate works! Although behavioural techniques can be quite helpful as well.

Is accepting negative emotions enough to stop them?

2011-10-16T07:54:00.005+13:00

The other day I posted about how valuable I find simply accepting my negative emotions for reducing them. Not long after I stumbled on the power of acceptance I discovered there's actually a therapy that incorporates this called ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I read up on it and to my surprise found that the founder seemed to be advocating simply accepting negative emotions and not doing anything else. Now, I may have got him wrong, but this is not what works for me. While I love using acceptance because it's so simple and takes much of the stress out of managing my negative emotions, it is by no means the only technique I use. It's my first step in most cases, particularly when I am busy or ill (or just can't be bothered thinking about it!). But I also use other techniques, such as writing down the good things in my life, examining my thoughts for distortions and correcting them, planning my day and doing problem solving. When it comes to transforming depression into happiness I've found there is no 'magic bullet', no one pill to cure all ills. What I've found works best is instead using a range of techniques that make me feel better and have a good fit with my lifestyle, vaues and personality. Together they seem to have a synergy (that dreaded buzz word!) whereby using them all together creates a more powerful impact on depression than using any one alone. I really wouldn't want to rely on acceptance alone, but I'm glad it's one of the tools in my toolbox because it makes life a lot easier.

Dealing with a patch of low motivation

2011-10-15T13:43:00.007+13:00

I've learned that part of maintaining stable happiness means dealing positively and constructively with low patches when they occur, as they do even in the happiest life. I had one of these the other day, when I woke up and spent two and half hours staring out the window, feeling unexcited about doing anything. Usually I am Ms Motivation, actively writing to do lists, planning tasks, solving problems, setting goals and bustling along with things. But this day everything just felt too hard, and I couldn't be bothered. Which was a worry, as I had so many things I needed to do.

In the end I turned to my trusty journal, the one I've been keeping for almost 30 years, and simply wrote down what I was feeling. Then I went back and read over the entry, looking for cognitive distortions like permanence (thinking the bad things will last forever), mental filter (focusing on the negatives and overlooking the positives). What was clear to me was that, while there were distortions, a lot of my concerns were realistic. There were a lot of challenges in my life, and sometimes it felt like I was getting nowhere. I realised that I needed to have an eagle eye out for when I had made progress and or something positive happened. I also needed to stop pressuring and criticising myself, and give myself more praise, understanding and encourangement. Just as importantly, I needed to take a break and get away from my normal routine, so it doesn't feel like endless drudge.

Luckily I have a trip away planned for a couple of weeks time, to visit family and friends. Just thinking about how this could give me a change of perspective and a burst of energy helped me feel more motivated. Also acknowledging to myself that things are realistically challenging, and speaking to myself more supportively made a huge difference. I got started on my morning a bit later than usual, but ended up having a much more productive day that felt much less stressful than in previous weeks.

Accepting negative emotions leads to more positive emotions

2011-10-09T11:51:00.004+13:00

In my experience of transforming depression into happiness one of the most counter-intuitive techniques I've discovered is simply accepting the bad feelings. Before I discovered this I would put a lot of effort into trying to change my emotions when I felt bad - by doing cognitive work, planning activities, doing something enjoyable, getting bright light or exercising. Or all of the above! It was exhausting and frustrating - sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.

For many years I worked hard at feeling better. Then one day it occurred to me that maybe if I just accepted my feelings they would ebb and flow and reach a natural level that was more positive. To my surprise, this turned out to be true. When I felt a negative feeling - whether depression, anger, irritation or worry - I simply took a deep breath, thought 'I'm feeling this' and let it go. I found that I felt much more relaxed, less driven and stressed about 'making' myself feel good. I also found that in the next hour or few my emotions became much more positive.

Back again!

2011-10-06T11:37:00.004+13:00

After an absence of two years I've decided to start writing this blog again. With depression a world-wide epidemic, it seems important to share what I've learned about transforming depression into happiness. In the past few years life has thrown so many adversities at me, in the form of illness, not being able to work, moving far away from all my friends, having people close to me get sick or die, that maintaining my happiness has been the big focus. I'm delighted and proud that I've been able to do this. I know it's because I've worked so hard at making happiness a habit.

Right now I'm facing the house I live in going into a mortgagee sale and not knowing if the new owner will want me to stay on. It just shows that there is no such thing as security - life is always changing and throwing up new things. This provides yet another challenge to maintaining my precious happiness.

What I'm doing to stay happy in the face of this stress is:

keeping up my habit of writing down the good things that happen each day (or every few days)

planning enjoyable events

looking for things in the situation that I can control, however little. For example, I rang the bank's lawyers to find out the time frame for the sale and typed up and distributed this information to tenants in the other houses the landlord owns

make sure I have regular rest time where I can do enjoyable activities and not think about practical problems.

The hidden rewards of self-criticism

2009-10-11T20:35:00.004+13:00

Self-criticism hurts just as much as criticism from other people, if not more. In my case I learned to criticise myself by hearing criticism from some of the key people in my life as I grew up. ‘You eat too much’, ‘fatty’, ‘you always try to do everything for yourself’, ‘you make everything in the family go wrong’ – even thinking about these comments decades later can still bring me down. Because I heard so many of these comments, at home and at school and even out in the neighbourhood, I internalised them and started saying them to myself. It was a huge relief in my twenties to realise that I didn’t have to be so hard on myself – that I had a lot of good qualities, did a lot of positive things, and life worked better when I was nice to myself.

Talking to myself in a positive, supportive way made me feel good and I have made it a habit over the intervening years. I can tell I’m criticising myself now because it makes me feel bad. That’s why it was a surprise to learn that one of the things that keeps self-criticism going is the hidden rewards. One of the big payoffs is when someone who is self-critical turns the criticism on someone else. I’ve had this experience many a time. I might notice that someone is not doing as well at me – whether with managing their emotions, or getting grades or earning money – and I feel my self-esteem lift. It’s insidious but powerful. Because it only happens every so often, it’s hugely reinforcing, like winning a jackpot after hours of playing the pokies. The answer? For me it’s been learning to look for the positive in myself and others and accept the rest of who I am on the basis that none of us are perfect and everyone deserves a break. Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is in practice! But is well worth doing just for the emotional relief it provides.

Good things for the last week

2009-10-05T16:13:00.002+13:00

Regular readers (all four of you) may have noticed that I’ve been strangely absent for the past 12 days. This is because my computer died on Wednesday 23 October. I got it straight into the shop and by some miracle it was fixed for a very reasonable price and now works again. So now I’m back, although possibly not as often as in the past, as the blog is taking me away from my other writing a bit much. But I will endeavour to post regularly. Here, as usual on Monday, are the good things that happened to me in the past week.

My computer works again – yay! Now I can email, write documents, blog, pay bills, order medicine and all that other good stuff
The new dog is getting on incredibly well with my first dog despite being years older, and they are playing and running together like they are both puppies
The rain stopped for a whole day on Saturday and I finally was able to take some local kids out to a small farm to see the sheep and cattle, as they’d been begging me to for weeks
I had a great lunch with a local friend I haven’t seen for ages and a good goss
Spaghetti Bolognese on a cold day – absolute comfort food
Asparagus is in season and it’s as delicious as usual
A day to myself on Sunday when I could sleep and read my trashy escapist novel (in between taking the dogs out in the pouring rain to run – them, not me!)
New library books and DVDs to enjoy
Watching Clerks 11 – profane, disgusting, tasteless, foul mouthed and incredibly funny. The surreal dance number to ‘1 2 3, it’s easy as A B C’ was one of the highlights. Clerks the Musical anyone? Gotta beat Mamma Mia any day!

What to say to someone who is depressed

2009-09-23T08:05:00.007+12:00

I fully intended to post yesterday, but I kept thinking 'I'll do it after this', then 'after this', then suddenly it was bedtime and I realised I hadn't posted. Oh well, there's always today! Here is the post I intended to put up yesterday.

Knowing what to say to someone who is depressed is a toughie. You know your friend (or partner, or brother, or workmate) is feeling down. You may even suspect they are suicidal. But what do you say to make them feel better, or check out they are not going to hurt themselves (and others)? Strangely enough dealing with the possibility of suicide is the easiest part of it. The common fear is that asking something as blunt as ‘are you thinking of killing yourself?’ may bring on a suicide attempt. But in fact it is pretty well established that this is not the case. Often it can be a relief for the person who is feeling so desperate to have a chance to talk about it, and actually make them feel less hopeless and miserable.

Speaking from personal experience I’ve found that the human contact involved in talking to someone who cares enough to ask the question can be enough to lift me out of that dark place. Counselling can help but it’s a gamble whether the counsellor (or psychologist or whatever brand of helper is available) will be someone the person feels able to confide in or finds supportive. As someone who is already close and trusted a friend, or partner, or relative may have more impact. (Although an established, trusted counsellor is also very useful.)

If someone is suicidal, the key thing to do is talk about things that give hope for the future. Suicidal feelings are about thinking there is nothing to live for, that everything has gone wrong or will go wrong. If the person is not suicidal but just feeling low, then human contact again is the most important thing. The average person is not going to be able to provide professional help but what they can give is the feeling of being genuinely cared about and accepted. I know that having someone make it clear that they still care about me whatever my mood makes a big difference. They don't need to talk about what's troubling me - just asking 'are you not feeling so good?' or even commenting 'you seem pretty down' and then showing they care is enough. The other thing that really works is encouraging me to go out and do something that will take my mind off my troubles and lift my spirits, like going to a movie or a walk. In dark times, people who really care can make a huge difference.

Good things for the last week

2009-09-21T12:13:00.002+12:00

Falling asleep in the sun in the Hamilton Gardens, such a luxurious feeling just drifting away in the warmth

Getting back to my own home after a weekend away
Brunch at Metropolis with friends from Hamilton Pride and beyond to celebrate a successful Pride week 09
Great conversations with friends, in person and on the phone – enjoyable, funny and intimate
Watching Susan Potter’s documentary ‘An ordinary person’ about the use of the partial provocation defence (the one used by Clayton Weatherston) in cases where the victim is gay
Watching my silly dog go nutty trying to eat the water from the hose
Rocky Horror Show at the movies with audience participation and prizes – so much fun!
I have a lovely new dog who is affectionate and easy and takes care of my lunkhead dog by playing with him and exercising him – life is easy since Sophie the staffy came to live here!
Stimulating workshops at Hamilton Pride week, including a very funny one on queer humour, which I’m still telling jokes from (Don’t Let your Son go down on Me, that well known hit by Elton John as sung by Miss Tess Tickle)
Half a glass of delicious Stone Hill Sauvignon Blanc, a real treat for me as I don’t usually drink and I don’t usually like dry white wine
Feeling better physically after a restful week last week
Staying the weekend with my friend’s parents and catching up with them
Finally cancelling broadband (which I’ve never used in the whole time I’ve been paying for it)

Things I’m looking forward to

2009-09-18T13:10:00.003+12:00

My cough being completely gone
Brunch with friends
Seeing the dogs again
Taking them for a walk on Monday morning
Doing more writing this week
Going to stay with my friend in Tauranga and hanging out with her and another writing buddy and going to the hot pools
My last overdue DVD going back to the video shop
Going to a couple of writing workshops with them
Sleep in on Wednesday
Seeing my Mum
Reading another novel
Watching the end of the DVD ‘American Cousins’ which I’m enjoying so far
Having a little more time to myself
Getting the dishes all finished – one day!
Hamilton Pride meeting next Wednesday – going over Pride Week and basking in how well it went
Losing the last two kilos that will put me under 90kg – soon!
Introducing two of my Tauranga friends to each other

Can meditation change your mind?

2009-09-18T12:57:00.003+12:00

Meditation is a form of mindfulness, which means focusing more on what you are experiencing (for example, the feeling of breathing or sounds around you) and less on what you are thinking. People who are more mindful tend to feel more positive emotions, be more optimistic and suffer less from depression. Brief training in mindfulness techniques is followed by less depression and fewer cognitive distortions.

Mindfulness is pretty easy to practice. If you are walking somewhere, you can switch your attention away from the thoughts running through your head and listen to the sound of your footsteps, or look at the scenery you are passing. If you are chopping vegetables you can focus on the feelings in your body as you do this, or on your breath. Some people find it helpful to look at a candle or say a mantra, like ‘om’ or ‘love’ to take the focus away from their conscious thoughts.

It’s a very simple concept, but what’s amazing about it is that it appears to actually change the brain if you do it enough. Brain imaging shows that people who meditate show more activity in the parts of the brains associated with positive feelings. Monks who spend many hours meditating apparently show extreme activity in these parts of the brain, specifically the front left of the brain, the site that is most active during positive emotions. There is also more activity across the whole brain when the person is stimulated during meditation than when someone is not meditating. Brain waves also change – monks who have done 10 to 15 thousand hours of meditation show extreme levels of gamma brain waves compared to people meditating for the first time. Scientists say this shows the brain is more plastic –able to be changed down to its inner workings and circuitry – than anyone had previously realized. Not only this but people who do even a brief mindfulness course show more antibodies in their blood, which means they are more resistant to disease. So mindfulness is good for body as well as brain.

Davidson R et al (2003) Alterations in Brain and Immune Function Produced by Mindfulness Meditation Psychosomatic Medicine 65:564-570.
Brown K W and Ryan R M (2003) The Benefits of Being Present: Mindfulness and its Role in Psychological Well-Being, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(4): 822-848
Shapiro S L, Schwartz G E and Bonner G (1998) Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Medical and Premedical Students, Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 21(6): 581-599.

The delicate art of musturbation

2009-09-18T12:49:00.003+12:00

This morning I found myself musing about when was best to take the dogs for a morning run. I’d just read a book that said dogs should have two walks a day so had decided to try to fit a morning run into my schedule. ‘Maybe I should have taken them when I first got up instead of walking round the yard with them,’ I thought. ‘Maybe I should have taken them before I made my breakfast.’ When I heard the ‘should’ word popping up more than once my mental ears pricked up. This is often a sign that I’m ‘musturbating’ – putting pressure on myself to meet a high standard or finding fault with what I’ve done, something I experienced all too often when I was growing up.

I’m not automatically opposed to using the word ‘should’. Most of the time it’s fine, just a recognition of something that happened, like ‘I should have brought the washing in when the sky clouded over and it wouldn’t have got wet’. I think it’s easy to get too religiously strict about using ‘should’, like the friend of mine who once told me ‘that woman says ‘should’ all the time – she should know that she shouldn’t say ‘should’ ‘! When it gets that prescriptive the point is lost. Which is that ‘shoulding’ can be a way of beating myself up that makes me feel bad.

So this morning I asked myself ‘have I crossed the line into self-criticism here?’ The answer seemed to be ‘no, not quite’. I could tell this because I didn’t feel bad or harassed. I was still at the stage of thinking about things in a neutral way, trying to work out what time would work best for the dogs’ run. In the end I decided that it did make more sense to take them after breakfast. But it reminded me how easily ‘should’ can slip into ‘musturbation’ and become a stick we beat ourselves up with.

Getting access to therapy – not always easy

2009-09-17T21:11:00.004+12:00

Sorry for the late posting – Telstra kindly cut my internet service off and I’ve only just managed to get it reinstated. Carrying on from yesterday’s post on how difficult it is to get help when you don’t want people to know you are depressed, it’s been my experience that it can be difficult to get therapy even when you do tell your doctor how you feel. In my case, way back in 1982, I was diagnosed with major depression after I became so unwell I couldn’t continue working. My family doctor put me on antidepressants, which took a while to kick in. After talking to a friend about how someone she knew had found therapy helpful for depression I went back to my doctor and asked to be referred to a psychologist.

His response was quite amazing. He told me that in his experience therapy didn’t help anyone and he wouldn’t refer me to it. So I had to find someone who would take me on without a doctor’s referral and pay for it myself. I found this therapy immensely helpful, but after doing research decided to change to a psychologist doing cognitive behavioural therapy as that was proven effective. I made sure to tell my doctor what I was doing. I later heard that this same doctor had refused to refer another young patient to therapy, much to the distress of his family, so I wasn’t the only one.

This story has a surprising ending. A few years after I started doing therapy I started seeing a new psychologist. Somehow we got on to the topic of my doctor. Then my psychologist dropped a bombshell. ‘He’s the highest referring doctor to our psychological service in the region,’ she told me. I was so shocked I asked her to say it again. Surely it couldn’t be the same doctor? But when I next visited him he told me it was true.
‘What changed your mind?’ I asked him.
‘I’ve seen such a change in you with therapy that now I refer a lot of my patients to the psychologists,’ he told me. He was a convert! I even lent him my copy of Feeling Good by Dr David Burns, and when I got it back it was clear from pages he’d marked that he’d actually read it. The upshot of this is that doctors may be more comfortable prescribing meds than referring a patient to therapy, but it’s worth getting therapy anyway and telling the doctor just how helpful it is. They may end up a convert too!

Putting a good face on it

2009-09-16T13:32:00.002+12:00

In front of me is a picture of a smiling woman hugging a gorgeous blond headed little boy. Both of them are dead now – the woman by her own hand, the little boy – her son – killed by her. She left behind her two older sons and a husband. This can’t have been the future she imagined when she had her children or married, or the future she wanted for any of them. It shows that depression is a potentially deadly illness. But what I find saddest is that this woman could have so easily been helped. As I’ve discussed in previous posts there are so many effective therapies out there. Any one of them could have made the critical difference. But the difficulty is getting to them.

In this woman’s case she read self-help books but didn’t seek other help. In fact she pretended to her doctor and others that everything was fine. Meanwhile the illness was eating away at her. In some ways it would have been better for the family had she stopped coping and had a complete breakdown so she had to have treatment. But because she went on with the basics day to day it was possible for her to deny the seriousness of her condition, and difficult for anyone to make her get help. I’ve been through this with someone myself – knowing that they are very ill and need professional help, but having them refuse to seek treatment even though their life was at risk. Thankfully in that case a group of people who cared got together and wrote a letter to the person’s GP that led to him getting treatment. As a result he’s still around to care for his children today. But it could have been different.

The reason he didn’t want to seek treatment? The stigma of admitting he had a mental illness. So many of us with depression learn early on that people don’t like to hear about it. Pretending things are fine becomes our way of being accepted, and after a while it becomes second nature. But pretending things is fine makes it hard to seek help. What saved me was becoming so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, so I couldn’t pretend any more. The shame was huge, but not as big as the relief of getting professional help. That was the start of a change in my life that led to my current happiness. I’m just sad that this poor mother didn’t get that chance.

Good things for the last week

2009-09-15T16:58:00.002+12:00

Turning over on my day off and going back to sleep
The boy from across the road made a banana chocolate chip cake and it was fabulous – especially considering it was the first cake he’d ever made
Bubble bath with the Radox mix with calendula and rose – yummy
I got the rubbish out two weeks in a row – now for the recycling that is threatening to bury me!
Having three people who regularly comment on my blog and encourage me to keep writing it
The warmth of a fire on a cold winter morning
A writing buddy who helps me work out where to go when I’m stuck and gives me encouragement
A short haircut - nice and cool for the warm weather and much easier to manage
I had a great chat with my hairdresser about the boy across the road who is doing kickboxing with him – I’m so grateful he is so supportive
Dry firewood!
A day off from the dog, so restful and relaxing
Being adored by the dog next door who wags her tail so hard when she sees me her backside is in danger of coming off. Yes – I am the centre of the universe. I knew it!
I got the sheets changed on the bed
I got some of the dishes done
Two quiet, relaxing days with no dog and no local kids coming round
The annual Pride picnic, which I organised, went really well with lots of people coming along with their dogs and having a great time

The importance of goals

2009-09-11T13:53:00.002+12:00

Working on a goal has saved me from despair many a day. I suspect it’s part of why paid work is such a great antidepressant - because it involves setting and reaching goals every day. When I was first depressed in the early 1980’s my goal was often researching therapy for depression. That gave me a reason to get up in the morning and something I could get absorbed in. Nowadays it’s often a writing project. Some days it’s something little, like getting some dishes done or getting the recycling out.

Part of the reason I am so dogged about setting and working on goals is that it feels so good. And it’s not only me. Researcher Richard Davison has found that people who score high on mastery and purpose are more likely to feel positive emotions than those who don’t. People also report feeling very positive emotions when they are in a state of ‘flow’, concentrating deeply on working towards a goal. Flow involves setting goals that are challenging but ‘do-able’ in areas of interest, so you become absorbed in what you are doing until you lose track of time.

On days when I am struck fresh by my losses (house, health, career, to name a few) and start to panic about how I’m going to manage when my dwindling savings are all gone and I’m forced to live solely on disability, working on a goal provides the uplift that helps me stay happy most of the time despite my woes. My fears and sorrows just drift out the window – it’s as if I’m too busy and focused to feed them with my attention. Feelings like hope, enjoyment, satisfaction and competence spring up in their stead like lovely flowers.

Can pets make you happy?

2009-09-10T08:28:00.002+12:00

Can spending time with a pet make you happy? I know I feel happy when I just look at my very special brain damaged white cat (except when he wakes me up at 4.30am meowing to have his jellymeat refreshed). But I hadn’t thought about pets as an antidote to depression until a friend (none other than the anonymous Mr F) handed me a chapter from Healing without Freud or Prozac the other day. In it author Dr David Servan-Schreiber quotes studies showing that people are happier when they have contact with animals. One study found that older people had much better psychological resistance to life’s difficulties when they had a pet. Another discovered that Aids patients were much better protected from depression if they had a cat or dog. Lastly, people who were housebound due to a disability and virtually unable to move round unaided were much happier if they had a dog as a companion. Not only that, but they had more friends and more contact with relations than people in similar circumstances who did not have a dog. Apparently just having an animal by your side makes you more attractive to others. (Daters take note!)

Dr Servan-Schreiber also went into the benefits of animal companionship for physical health, which were considerable – lower death rates after heart attacks, going to the doctor less often, and lower blood pressure. Intellectually, people with pets and health problems were sharper too, doing better on stressful activities like mental arithmetic and public speaking, and making fewer mistakes in their work. Overall, it appears you just can’t lose owning a pet. I know that every day one of my three pets does something that makes me laugh. Barney barndog has just discovered that if he plonks his paw down in the water of a stream it splashes up and he can drink it. Watching him work this out had me laughing out loud. India, the dog next door, a Staffy-Ridgeback cross built like a tank and made of muscle (very like the dog in the picture to the left), likes to climb into my lap and be pampered and groomed like a little poodle. The look of bliss on her ugly mutt makes me smile all over. The cats do that classic cat thing of going to jump on something and missing, then getting a look on their faces that says ‘oh that was completely deliberate – I meant to do that’. And it’s delightful on a cold morning to have my special cat snuggle down under the blankets and purr by my side. So do pets make you happy? Apparently the answer is yes.

Light and happiness

2009-09-09T11:13:00.002+12:00

Feeling blue during winter is a common experience. (Even looking at the photo to the left brought my mood down!) It’s easy to put it down to cold or rain or lack of holidays. But research over the last few decades has shown that it’s a lot to do with not getting enough sunlight. Light actually affects our moods so that if we get too little we feel miserable. Someone with a knack for acronyms has called it SAD, short for Seasonal Affective Disorder. But it doesn’t have to be winter for SAD to kick in – being stuck inside in summer can have the same impact.

The trick to feeling less SAD is to get exposed to direct daylight for 30 to 60 minutes each day. One study showed that this worked even in grey weather. On cooler days when it’s not so nice to be outside I sometimes open the window while I’m writing or reading and sit inside wrapped in warm clothes and blanket with the heater on! If I’m driving I have a window open so that the light can hit my eyes. You don’t have to look directly at the light – it’s a matter of looking at surfaces that are reflecting light. But it doesn’t seem to work through windows, which is a shame. Having a walk in the open air gives you a double whammy, combining bright light with exercise, also proven to improve mood. If you don’t find bright light enough to lift your mood on its own I suggest combining it with one or two or three other approaches, until you hit the magic ‘feel good’ zone.

For people who experience very dark, long winters or find it difficult to get outside for health reasons there’s an easier way – using a light box. This emits light at 10,000 lux, proven to reduce seasonal depression. Some firms are selling boxes with light at the blue end of the spectrum but the research still seems a bit mixed so personally I would stick with boxes that use full spectrum light. Light boxes are even helpful for people who suffer non-seasonal depression according to recent research. A commercial light box from a reputable firm is most likely to be effective with minimal side effects because it’s made to strict specifications. You can set it up on your kitchen table and turn it on for 15 to 60 minutes a day while you eat or read. For useful and reliable information on light boxes visit www.cet.org , a nonprofit website on all kinds of environmental therapies. Unfortunately they don’t ship to New Zealand but if you want to know who does I can give you details. I thought I might need one to get through the long Waikato winter as I wasn’t well enough to exercise, but I found that sitting with the window open or sitting outside when it was sunny was enough combined with everything else I do.

Good things for the last week

2009-09-08T15:03:00.003+12:00

A bit later than usual this week - I had a vague day yesterday and forgot to do the blog!

lovely afternoon at a local reserve paddling in the river with a neighbour's kids, paddling in the river under the hot sun, playing ball with the dog
that wonderful moment of putting my head down on the pillow and drifting off to sleep
making a new cookie recipe that's really yummy
grooming the neighbour's dog with my zoom groom (unlike my dog, she actually likes it!)
nice talk with my friend from the UK
yummy egg salad roll for lunch
watched Burn after Reading with George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand again and liked it just as much as the first time
talking with mates from Hamilton Pride about games we can play at the picnic this weekend, including 3 legged races and egg and spoon races
I got another section of fence up to stop the dog escaping
another week of feeling happy every day.

More feel good movies

2009-09-05T10:57:00.002+12:00

Here are some more movies that can lift your spirits when you feel down. They may not work for everyone but they work for me! Remember - research shows that watching these kinds of movies can not only make people feel better but help them see things in a more positive and realistic perspective.

Lars and the Real Girl – a sweet fairy tale like story about a man who finds it hard to relate to others until he starts a meaningful relationship with a life size plastic doll. Very funny with a wonderful ending – makes you see the nice side of the human race

Burn after Reading – another great film from the Coen brothers, with Brad Pitt managing to look and sound stupid – quite a feat! Very funny and slightly crazy

Art School Confidential – one of the few movies I’ve seen recently where I didn’t have any idea what was going to happen from one minute to the next. Crazy, hilarious, and very original

Stepbrothers – another delightfully silly film starring Will Ferrell, with a moral buried under all the slapstick, bad jokes, and unlikely scenarios. Will does his normal great job as a huge, hairy child but the real treat are his bizarrely ambitious brother and severely repressed sister in law.

Starter for 10 – I picked this DVD up and put it down again several times before getting it out, but was glad I saw it. It’s an engaging and frothy with a serious side. Great performances from James McAvoy and Rebecca Hall. The plutey girlfriend is great fun, and watching the working class boy react to the vagaries of the upper class is painful but hugely funny.

Unexpected Positive Occurences (UPOs)

2009-09-04T11:10:00.003+12:00

The reason that Unexpected Positive Occurences are so important to me is that they remind me that life often turns out to be far more positive than I assume it will. Noticing the positive things that actually happen despite my sometimes dire expectations helps me to remember that lots of things in my life do go well. So even when things are a bit stressful or life throws a curly one at me, I can be comforted by the thought that at any time, out of the blue, something really nice could happen.

Like the other day when I stopped to walk the dog at a reserve we both like. When we got there we had the large grassy area to ourselves. As the dog romped and I walked sedately beside the stream under the budding trees another car drew up. Out of it climbed a woman and a huge brown and black dog. They walked the opposite way to us but then we both turned so we were on a collision course. I put my dog back on the chain. As we neared she called out ‘she’s quite friendly’ and I replied ‘my dog is well socialised’. We let them do the doggy small talk of sniffing each other, then when they behaved well let them off their leads to romp around. The two dogs had a wonderful time splashing through the stream and bounding over the grass. The two humans also got on well and had a great chat. In the end we exchanged cards and agreed we’d meet again at the reserve to walk our dogs some other day.

As I drove away I reflected on how totally unpredicted that pleasant meeting had been. No one had ever so much as spoken to me at the reserve before. It gave me a warm glow thinking of all the unexpected positive things that might be just about to happen to me.

The impact of protein on my mood

2009-09-03T09:51:00.004+12:00

A few years ago I had a horrific relapse of depression. It was brought on by a difficult relationship that ended badly. My mood swings were huge and some days I feared for my life. Even worse, all the things that normally worked to stabilise my mood had no impact. It took me quite a few months to work out that maybe the hormonal instability that comes with menopause was part of the problem. Even when I did, the treatment options seemed limited. I didn’t want to do Hormone Replacement Therapy even if I could have found a doctor to prescribe it.

Luckily I stumbled on something that helped quite by accident, looking for a book on how to lose weight (again!) The book I picked up recommended a diet very low in sugar and pointed out that the body processes any refined carbohydrate (such as flour) as if it’s white sugar. The author put forward evidence that this not only affects blood sugar levels but also serotonin levels in the brain, making it a double whammy for sending mood sky high and then dropping it through the basement again. This is particularly a problem for people who are very sensitive to sugar.

I did the sugar sensitivity test and found I scored very highly. Figuring I had nothing to lose I started the diet. Some aspects of it were not so helpful, but gradually my moods started to stabilise. I was also doing a lot of other things (see my post yesterday for details of the whole list) but the change in diet made a real difference. Finally I worked out that I didn’t need to do the whole, complicated diet – all I really needed was to eat protein as part of every snack and meal. The acid test was when I forgot and just had carbs on their own. I usually realised I’d done this when my mood plummeted for no apparent reason and I could trace it back to the moment I last ate something. Now I’m religiously careful about eating protein with everything. I can’t provide any stunning scientific evidence to support it but for me it really seems to work. As an added bonus not only did I get more emotionally stable and less depressed, but on this diet I feel calmer and get angry far less often than I used to.

One type of therapy may not be enough to get happy

2009-09-02T11:15:00.003+12:00

Call me greedy but I’ve found that I need more than one type of therapy to make a difference and keep me happy. This is because I’ve found that just doing one thing – like taking antidepressants, exercising or using cognitive techniques – is not enough to push me over the edge into happiness. So I’ve kept adding more and more things until my mood has hit happy and stabilised.

This is a list of the techniques I use:
• behavioural techniques (activity schedules, rewarding myself for doing difficult things, doing pleasurable activities)
• cognitive techniques (recognising errors of fact or logic in my thinking and correcting them, focusing on good things that could happen)
• noting good things that happen each day or few days, as well as what I’ve achieved, no matter how small
• savoring the enjoyable and pleasurable things that happen
• trying to get half an hour at least of outside light each day
• doing some exercise (limited due to my health although having a dog helps)
• taking 6000mg of omega 3 fatty acids (in the form of fish oil) each day
• taking St John’s Wort daily as well as a mix of vitamins and minerals proven to affect mood
• social contact with positive, supportive people
• eating protein with every meal and drinking caffeine free beverages after noon
• resting when I’m tired and getting enough sleep each night, with a hot bath and good book at night to help me off to sleep
• using problem solving techniques
• talking regularly to a trusted counsellor.

I’ve found this mix really works to keep me happy.

Good things for the last week

2009-08-31T09:35:00.004+12:00

I had a great time at my friend’s farewell on Friday night, met some interesting new people and enjoyed the singing and dancing and speeches
Standing on the beach in the dark last night with the wind whistling past my ears and the dog racing round ecstatically
I got the kid across the road into a kick boxing class
An enjoyable consultation with my very nice doctor, talking about how much better I’m feeling and how great it is to live in the country
My article about bisexuality was published on gaynz.com to a positive response
Lovely relaxed Saturday morning visiting the local farmer’s market, library, supermarket and video shop
I made a big pot of pumpkin soup and froze it
Doing an interview about bisexuality on the G&T breakfast show with Ross and Lexi
Watching Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords and the film ‘Starter for 10’
Visiting friends in Tauranga and having a lovely time chatting about psychology and books
Making custard squares with the kids across the road - messy, chaotic, but fun and with a delicious end result! (although not quite as flash looking as the picture)
Lying in bed after a bubble bath reading the Sunday papers and enjoying the feeling of not having to do anything else that day

Uplifted by the natural world – pour mon ami F

2009-08-30T10:11:00.003+12:00

One of the benefits of having a dog is that it encourages me to go for walks. On our way to a local city to attend a writing group and see my mother a few weeks ago I stopped at a lay by near a stream to let him stretch his legs. A warm sun shone down on us despite it being winter, and there was hardly any breeze. We parked beside a shallow stream running over golden stones, sending up glints where the rocks broke the water. When I was a child I saw stones like these as jewels – amber, tiger’s eyes – because they seemed to glow. Along the edge of the stream were trees – poplars, willows and others – many of them bare. A a few evergreens provided colour.

As we walked along the short grass beside the stream a fantail flitted out of one of the bare trees, spread the fan of feathers at its tail, and twisted and turned in mid-air. I gazed as it changing direction instantaneously, spiralling, spinning, falling then recovering. Barney was more interested in finding a good smelly bit of mud to roll in but I was entranced. Another fantail joined it for an acrobatic duet in mid-air, poised over the stream. I feel such pleasure and joy in natural surroundings – they lift me up when I’m down. That day I was happy to start with but the trees, the stream, the sun and the birds enhanced my pleasure in life.

Knowing and using personal strengths increases happiness

2009-08-29T11:11:00.004+12:00

When we know what our top strengths are and use them in different ways to normal happiness increases and depression decreases. So Dr Martin Seligman and colleagues found recently (to see the study go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu and look for the article by Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson).

What does this mean in practice? According to the VIA Survey of Character Strengths I did on 2nd March this year my top five strengths are:

1. Appreciation of beauty and excellence
2. Bravery and valour
3. Creativity, ingenuity and originality
4. Fairness, equity and justice, and
5. Curiosity and interest in the world.

(To find out your own top strengths go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu, fill out a simple registration and click on the test. There is a long and a brief version. The website keeps your results so you can look back over the years and see how they’ve changed.)

Now that I know what my top strengths are the next step is to work out a way to use them differently than normal. Given that my number three strength is creativity it should be a cinch to work this out, but I must admit I’m scratching my head a bit! OK, let’s take number one. I normally indulge my appreciation of beauty and excellence by ooh-ing and ah-ing over the natural world – trees, flowers, sunsets etc. I very rarely go to a museum or art gallery, although I usually enjoy it when I do. I could aim to go to Waikato Museum or find an art gallery in Hamilton and look at some exhibits there. That would be a different use of that strength from usual. OK so my mission should I choose to accept it (which I do) is to go to a museum or art gallery – I’ll report back on what I feel as a result.

Cognitive therapy made easy

2009-08-27T10:52:00.003+12:00

If you look at a self-help book on cognitive therapy it can look a bit overwhelming and difficult. But it’s actually a lot easier than it looks. Also, some people find that writing down their upsetting thoughts makes them feel worse, so they avoid doing it. That’s probably because they believe these thoughts, and so focusing on them makes them feel bad. It’s a real shame because for me changing negative, destructive thoughts for ones that are more supportive and fair to myself can make a huge difference to my mood. I’ve found a couple of strategies that really help me do it quickly and easily without feeling worse.

1/ building up my positive mood before I consider my thoughts by watching a funny or uplifting movie or play or spending time with someone who makes me feel good: this puts me in a good space to look at my ‘stinking thinking’ and immunise myself against it a bit more. Not only that, but research has found that positive emotions help people think more clearly and creatively, which is good for spotting thinking errors and replacing them with new thoughts. ‘Why bother with the cognitive work?’ I hear you ask. ‘Why not just do the funny movie?’ It’s because I’ve found that my thoughts are HUUGE in making me feel bad so changing my thinking really helps me feel better and protects me against future depression.

2/ asking myself some key questions that cue me into looking at things differently: Look ma, no writing! It can be done in written form but I find it works just as well doing it in my head. My favourite questions are:

Am I focusing on the negatives and ignoring the positives?
Am I catastrophising? Is there a chance things might not be as bad as I think?
Am I criticising myself? What can I say to myself that is nurturing and supportive?
Am I blaming myself for things that aren’t my fault? What are ALL the reasons this bad thing happened, including what other people did?
Am I predicting negatives that might not happen? What are the positives that could happen (including things that have actually happened before)?

It could be worth putting this list somewhere you can easily see it, like behind your bedroom door, to remind you what to ask yourself next time you’re feeling down.

Using a supportive voice to yourself

2009-08-26T08:36:00.003+12:00

Sometimes I tune in to what I am saying to myself and am absolutely horrified. ‘What’s wrong with you – why can’t you pull yourself together?’ or ‘you’re so stupid, you made a mess of that’ or ‘you just can’t get it right can you?’ Hearing these words stops me dead. They are the words I grew up hearing, but this time they’re coming from inside me. I’ve spent decades seeing therapists and taking part in personal growth groups, reading self-help books, filling journals with my thoughts, doing self-esteem exercises and still I think like this! Not nearly as much as I used to, but even so it shows how deep these comments cut when decades after first hearing them they can still ambush me.

What I do when I realise I’m giving myself a hard time is switch to a self-nurturing voice. There are a number of options:

1/ the caring friend who says ‘you’re tired. Have a lie down. When did you last eat? It could be that you’re hungry. You’ll feel better after a meal. Just look after yourself.’

2/ the wise advisor who helps me solve my problems and says things like ‘it looks like you’re a bit overloaded with stuff at the moment. How about you try and offload some of it? It’s not going to be the end of the world if you don’t get some of it done.’

3/ the voice of my strong, courageous self who says things like ‘you can do it – you’ve done much harder things than this’, and

4/ the voice of the part of me who admires and likes me, and sees me in a positive way, who encourages and praises me with words like ‘you are really good at that’ or ‘you did a great job of handling that difficult situation’.

I actually have a poster on my wall with the name of each type of supportive voice inside a different shape in a different bright colour. So when I get tired or stressed or something goes wrong and I start to fall into the habit of trash talking to myself I can take a quick look at it and be reminded of how to speak to myself in a nurturing, supportive way. I find that as soon as I do this I feel a lot better.

Balancing acceptance of low moods with efforts to feel better

2009-08-25T12:04:00.004+12:00

I had an experience in the weekend that gave me insight into how I balance simply accepting my low moods with actively attempts to feel better. Saturday brought with it a few disappointments and frustrations, like my dog arriving home from the dog sitter when I was still in the bath with conditioner in my hair, then jumping the fence immediately while I stood there helplessly in my dressing gown shouting at him. Next I locked myself out of the bathroom so I couldn’t rinse my hair, then once that was sorted found that despite double checking all my measurements for the new fence I’d got them the wrong way round so the fence didn’t fit the posts, then just missed a friend for coffee then …you get the picture!

As the day progressed I focused on experiencing and accepting my feelings of irritation, panic, anxiety, anger, disappointment and sadness. At first this stopped them getting any worse. But after negative event # 5 or 6, I found that sadness was starting to morph into depression. All I could remember from the day was the long list of things that hadn’t gone right. That alerted me to the fact that my thinking had become distorted. ‘What good things also happened?’ I asked myself. I remembered that we had finished nailing the fence together. I also realised my mistake was not a catastrophe because the fence could be put up the opposite way round. This new perspective lifted my spirits.

Next I looked for on one thing I could control. I decided to head off to a lovely reserve and give the dog a good run. We had a wonderful time there and I went home feeling a lot better, looking forward to having a nice dinner and watching a funny video.

When I analysed what had happened (as I so love to do!) I realised that the steps had been:

• Accepting my moods and feeling them, just letting them flow rather than trying to feel ‘up’ all the time
• Becoming aware that this was not enough and my feelings where moving beyond a fleeting sadness to become mild depression
• Examining my thinking for my most common errors and correcting them – shifting my focus from the negative to positive events and de-catastrophising,
• Looking for one thing I could control
• Doing something pleasurable, and
• Planning some small enjoyable things to look forward to.

That’s how I manage when a good mood starts to slip into a low one. In a future post I’ll talk about how I balance accepting my feelings with taking action when I’m feeling low already.

Good things for the last week

2009-08-24T09:53:00.004+12:00

Making a yummy dinner of pasta with pesto and roast veges for myself and a friend I was staying with and eating it while laughing our heads off at ‘The Big Fat Quiz of the Year’ on youtube featuring Noel Fielding and Russell Brand

Being able to have every room in the house open and all the animals wandering where they wanted without any fear that the dog will bother the cats
Discovering a local speciality – hot chips with mayo and grated cheese on top – and loving it (a bit too much!)
Enjoyable phone calls with my close friend from Ireland and close friend from my home town
A wonderful romp with the dog at a lovely reserve beside a broad still stretch of the Waikato River, under huge trees shining in the late afternoon sun, with the silence broken only by geese flying overhead and a couple of motorboats
Seeing my naturopath face to face for the first time in ages and having a really good chat

All the different types of effective therapy for depression

2009-08-21T11:31:00.007+12:00

In Tuesday’s post I wrote that there were more types of therapy out there than you can shake a stick at. I should have said ‘effective therapies’ i.e. things that are proven to make you feel better. It’s amazing how many approaches have been evaluated and found to work. Just to give you an ideas, here are all the ones I know about:

• Behavioural therapy (focus on activity, particularly planning activities for the day and pleasurable activities)
• Cognitive therapy (using lumped with behavioural therapy and called CBT for cog behav therapy, involves identifying and changing key thinking errors)
• Interpersonal therapy (IPT, involves improving relationships)
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT, with a focus on accepting feelings as they are)
• Mindfulness (awareness of experiences and sensations without much conscious thought)
• Aerobic exercise (e.g. walking, running)
• Anaerobic exercise (weight lifting and other resistance exercise)
• Bright light (from the sun or a light box)
• Omega 3 fatty acids (ideally in the correct proportion to omega 6 fatty acids. In our modern diet we tend to get too much Omega 6 and not enough Omega 3, which is what causes the problems)
• Therapeutic life style changes (TLC, involves a return to an earlier way of life with more exercise, a diet higher in Omega3 fatty acids and more social contact and support)
• Antidepressant medication
• Positive psychology techniques such as using a key personal strength in a new way, making a note of good things that happen, responding positively to others’ good news, savouring positive experiences/ sensations and attending to positive, uplifting media such as films.

You can see from this list why I said that if you don’t find one approach that you feel comfortable with or works for you there’s always another! I haven’t even mentioned the things that I and other people have found helpful that haven’t been confirmed as effective by research yet.

My top ten feel better movies

2009-08-20T20:06:00.002+12:00

Previously I’ve posted about how watching funny movies is a quick way to feel better. Here is a list of my top ten funny movies (as requested by Kirsten). They are not in any order of preference. These are the ones I come back and watch time and time again. They always make me laugh, not only at the time but for days afterwards.

1. Zoolander
2. Music and Lyrics
3. Death at a Funeral
4. Galaxy Quest
5. Caddyshack
6. A Fish Called Wanda
7. Flight of the Conchords (series 1)
8. Blades of Glory
9. Johnny English
10. Best in Show

Not every therapy works for every person

2009-08-18T11:44:00.003+12:00

It’s easy to think that all anyone has to do to get over depression is pop a pill. But not everyone who takes a pill gets happy. I’ve talked to numerous people who’ve tried antidepressants and felt only slightly better, if that. Which is not to say that antidepressants don’t work – they do. But it’s a matter of getting the one that’s right for you and there’s almost no way of knowing which one that is until you try it. Finding it can take months.

But there are more types of therapy out there than you can shake a stick at so if drugs don’t work (the legal type) then something else probably will. It’s a matter of knowing what the therapies are and having the stamina to keep trying them until you find one that does the trick. It’s unlikely that every therapy will work for everyone. This is just common sense. Someone who’s too ill to exercise much (like me) or simply doesn’t like exercise is unlikely to find that useful. Someone (again, like me) who finds meditation boring and onerous isn’t going to do it, no matter how much they tell themselves it works and they ‘should’. And a therapy you don’t do is unlikely to have an impact on you!

Even if you make yourself do it it’s not necessarily going to work for you. Research on antidepressants show they work for over half of the people who try them. None of them work for 100% of people. Ditto cognitive and interpersonal therapy. It’s a case of different strokes for different folks. We’re all made slightly differently so it stands to reason that we are going to need an approach that suits our unique makeup, both so we will actually keep on with it and so it has the most chance of working.

Good things for the last week

2009-08-17T12:31:00.002+12:00

Watching a middle aged couple who were obviously in love say good bye to each other at the end of their lunch hour outside the office block one of them worked at. The looks, the kiss, each of them looking back at the other as they walked away. So sweet! It brought a smile to my face

The gorgeous refreshing coolness of late night air on my skin when I stepped outside after my bath

Stroking my friend’s big black cat and hearing his rumbly purr

Watching an old dog on the beach limping along, enjoying sniffing at every post he came to and having a wonderful time

Sitting by the beach late at night listening to the sound of waves, so soothing and peaceful and something I miss so much now that I live so far inland

The sound of planes taking off and landing, which reminds me of so many happy times

Playing charades and dictionary with friends and giggling helplessly as I completely failed to fool anyone with my clues

Revelling in the pleasure of writing, in my head and on paper and the computer, the joy of putting words together to create images and convey information, the satisfaction of making something I feel pleased with.

Trying too hard to be happy

2009-08-16T17:47:00.004+12:00

The other day I woke up feeling bad tempered and depressed. All I could think about was what was wrong with everything – my breakfast, my schedule for the day, my hair – everything! It was tempting to try to make myself feel happy by using all the techniques I know for transforming depression into happiness. But I knew from bitter past experience that this is not a good idea. Trying to forcibly push up my mood in the past has resulted in feeling even worse, and set off devastating mood swings.

So instead I sucked it up and resigned myself to accepting that I felt bad for a while. I tried to focus on things that didn’t involve thinking or feeling, like watching the sun shine through the condensation on the window, making it sparkle like diaphanous silvery fabric. Then I moved into my schedule for the day, trying not to get hung up on the fact that I didn’t feel too hot. I was late for my dentist’s appointment, which made me feel even more grumpy. I found a park, but then had no money for the meter. The day seemed to be going down the gurgler. Then the dentist said he could still see me and found nothing major wrong with my teeth after years of not seeing him. I got back to my car to find I hadn’t got a ticket, then realised I had a free 50 minutes in my schedule to do whatever I liked. That lifted my mood a bit although it didn’t last.

My mood went up and down for the rest of the day, but by evening I was feeling pretty good. As I’d anticipated from previous experience, simply accepting how I felt, keeping active and not trying overly hard to feel better had done the trick. By the next day I was back to my normal happy self. Giving myself a break and not insisting on feeling happy all the time and driving myself to feel better had been just what I needed.

Finding a good therapist

2009-08-15T08:45:00.009+12:00

Oh what a joy and a treasure is a good therapist! I was reminded of this when my dear friend Kirsten shared her tale of losing a good one and failing to find a replacement. It was particularly timely because I’d just the day before had a face to face session with my counsellor for the first time in months, and been reminded of what a wonderful, supportive person she is. (We normally do phone sessions.) My first impression of her four and a half years ago had not been promising. On the phone she had sounded cold and I know from experience that being fabulously insecure I do not do well with someone who is not warm and reassuring. But as soon as she walked into the waiting room and smiled hello at me I knew she was going to be great. (She had me from ‘hello’!) Her warmth, belief in me and good sense have helped me climb out of the dark valleys of despair into the bright light of joy. Whatever happens, whatever I do or say or reveal about myself, I feel that she is always on my side, always there for me. Goodness knows how many relapses she has helped me avoid by her steady presence and good counsel. She is a treasure beyond value.

But the road to finding her was not a smooth or easy one*. I’ve seen more counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals of every ilk than you can shake a stick at and some of them have not been helpful, to put it mildly. It took me a while to work out that therapists who were by nature cold actually made my depression worse. For a long time I believed that technical skills were paramount and personality was secondary. But then two cool and distant therapists actually pushed me over the edge at vulnerable times rather than helping me recover. Now I know that feeling liked and accepted is the most important therapeutic ingredient for me. But it’s different for each individual. One of the therapists who was so disastrous for me was just great for a friend of mine who is not insecure.

The key for me has been to keep learning what works for me, and to keep looking. There’s no guarantee that once you find someone good they’ll stay around. I once found a great counsellor who I made practically sign in blood to say she was settled in town long-term who then upped sticks and moved her whole family halfway up the country! But I kept looking and found another good one. Don’t let the not quite right for you ones put you off – a good therapist can be hugely helpful and is well worth searching for.

*to see more crazy road markings click on 'the road' in blue above

UPO sighting

2009-08-14T08:59:00.004+12:00

That’s Unexpected Positive Occurrence for the uninitiated. The other day a great experience slipped into my life when I wasn’t expecting it. I was driving through a little town when I saw a sign saying ‘delicious hot muffins’. It struck my eye just as I realised I was feeling peckish so I pulled into the café carpark, unable (well, unwilling) to resist the lure. As directed by the sign I wandered across the gravel to the back of the brightly painted wooden house the café was located in, intent only on finding a warm muffin or scone.

What met my eyes when I rounded the corner of the house was a complete surprise. Stretched out behind it, hidden from the carpark by a wall, was a deliciously green and shady glade, lawns dappled with the sun that reached through the tall trees round its perimeter. A fountain pattered softly into a pond filled with orange fish. It was like stepping into the secret garden from the book. ‘Have a look around’ someone called and I turned towards the verandah at the back of the house where two middle aged women in aprons sat, having their morning tea before the lunchtime rush started. ‘It goes right back,’ one of them said. ‘There’s even an outdoor bath. The first time I used it I looked up to find two big black eyes looking at me – it was a beast from the paddock next door.” I laughed, entranced.

Feeling welcome I wandered off through the garden, finding new treasures every few steps. Early cheer were in bloom and I stooped to sniff their quiet scent, evocative of childhood. Next to them was an amazing flower that reminded me of a jellyfish – a primulus with a yellow centre from which indigo blue and white stripes radiated out. A thin black cat with enormous ears accompanied me, rubbing round my legs and making me feel even more welcome. I paused, suddenly realising that the scene stretching out in front of me was reflected back from an enormous mirror framed in ornate, flowery metal work. But beyond that more garden stretched, with the sensuous scent of daphne luring me on.

Finally I came back for the muffin I’d originally stopped for. The owner chatted as she served me. When she found I was on my way to Wellington she said ‘you must go to Te Papa,’ the museum. ‘I went there last time,’ I said, ‘to the Monet exhibition.’
‘Oh wasn’t it wonderful?!’ she exclaimed. ‘I went three times.’ We went on to rhapsodise about Monet and how each of his paintings evoked a different emotion in us.
‘Which was your favourite?’ she asked. I was just about to say ‘the haystack’ when she said ‘mine was the haystack’. Then we were off again.

I left with an olive, feta and zucchini muffin, warm from the oven, and a little container of tamarind chutney, both of which were delicious. But more importantly I left uplifted by the beauty of the garden, the warmth of the welcome and the pleasure of sharing my enjoyment of a wonderful painter. It just showed me that I never know when my life is about to be interrupted by a wonderful unexpected experience.

What I’m looking forward to

2009-08-13T09:58:00.004+12:00

Spring – the impossibly frothy lime green of new leaves and trees bursting with ruffles of pink and white blossoms

Yum char with friends on Saturday

Walking the dog

Bath tonight by candlelight

Asparagus and strawberries coming into season

Breakfast

Going back to the lovely Mission Belle café in Foxton for a cheese scone, cup of my favourite tea and to enjoy sitting looking at the gorgeous garden and chatting with the owner

Treatment for my knees and arms which will take so much pain out of them

Writing a new post for my blog.

Sharing news of good things with others

2009-08-12T20:49:00.005+12:00

I’ve found that sharing news of good things in my life with others gives me a real boost. The emotional uplift comes not only from telling my good news but from hearing the positives that have been happening in the other person’s life. I have a weekly phone call with my friend Fiona where we tell each other about all the good things that happened to us in the last week.

Not only is the conversation enjoyable but Fiona says that knowing the phone call is coming up motivates her to organise positive experiences to talk about. It also raises her awareness of the good things that happen in her week. The end result is much more sunshine in her life, as well as mine.

Phone calls are not the only way of sharing good things – sending an email or writing them in a blog also works well. I’ve been part of a daily email circle where each person adds their good things and sends it on. That was a great way of being reminded to notice the enjoyable and uplifting things that happened in my life.

Happy moments

2009-08-10T20:04:00.003+12:00

• Barney’s OM (original mother) has just driven off with him in the van en route to her holiday home for dogs. With him gone I’ve been able to open every door in the house. The sunshine is pouring through, cats are running round. I’m about to pack for the drive to Hamilton, where I’ll stay overnight with friends. I’m flooded with happiness – the sun, my dogless state, looking forward to the trip, feeling free and on the verge of an adventure
• The frost crunches underfoot as I walk round the garden in the chilly morning sun, looking for dog poo. My eye is caught by a flash of red. The japonica tree is in bloom. Bronze branches spike and glisten in the sun, studded by pale red flowers with yellow centres. I stand a moment to look at them, feeling entranced and joyful about their beauty and the coming of spring
• I lie back in the sun, letting it warm me. Barney is running round the deserted park, having fun exploring. I sit up and enjoy the view of brilliantly green lawns and huge pine trees surround them, the feeling of sun on my face

Good things for the last week

2009-08-10T13:31:00.005+12:00

Good things for the last week

• The bed was so nice and warm from the electric blanket when I got into it last night
• It’s great to have dry wood to light the fire with
• The metal water beaker beside my bed keeps the water so cool – drinking it is very refreshing
• Suki my littlest cat is getting very confident with the dog – she even stole his dinner last night while he sat there and watched!
• There are blossoms on some trees. It’s spring! (and I won’t be persuaded otherwise)
• I beat the local draughts champion resoundingly
• One of the local kids cut the long grass with a weed eater without me even asking him
• I visited a friend with the dog and three kids and she was incredibly generous and hospitable and showed us round the show farm she works on
• I took Barney barndog to the beach on a lovely sunny day and he was SO GOOD and had a wonderful time running round with another dog.

Noticing the good things

2009-08-10T13:19:00.006+12:00

It's easy to miss the positives that happen each day. That’s because we remember what we focus on. Let me illustrate what I mean. Look around the room you’re in and notice the blue things. Now look at the computer screen and try to remember what red things are in the room. Chances are you can’t remember many because you weren’t focused on them. It’s the same with good things. Focusing leads to noticing. And it's noticing the good things that has a positive impact on mood.

Here are some questions that can help with focusing on and remembering good things that happen:

• What social events did you attend in the last week? Who did you talk to there?
• What have you eaten that was yummy?
• Have you listened to anything that brought you pleasure e.g. birdsong, music, waves, rain on the roof?
• Have you sat in the sun, or a hot bath, or had a massage or some other pleasurable sensual experience?
• Did you have any enjoyable contact with pets or other animals? I got to scratch a pig’s head yesterday, which was enjoyable in a gross kind of way
• What have you achieved today or in the past few days? Even if it’s small it counts. For me posting letters is a huge achievement because I find it so hard to remember to do it!
• Did you go anywhere? Did anything good happen there? Even if it’s just the same old place you go all the time something nice could have occurred
• What exercise did you do? Was it pleasurable? (even if only because it stopped!)
• Have you seen or read anything beautiful or moving?
• Did you have any enjoyable times with kids (your own or others’) or family members or people you are close to?

Is suffering useful?

2009-08-08T11:06:00.005+12:00

Now and then a vision comes to me unbidden of what I would have been like if I hadn’t been shaped and mellowed by decades of depression and ME. I can just see the totally well Kaye now – so physically and mentally strong that she judges and criticises others who are not as robust, rides roughshod over others because she is so confident that she knows what is best for them and has no understanding of their reality. I mean I’m bad enough as it is! Without these illnesses to show me what a frail and fragile person I am, to make me (slightly!) humble, to give me insight into how hard life can be, I would be a much harsher person.

In the past I’ve thought that the world would be a better place if no one suffered. But from the vantage point of five decades on the planet I don’t think I’d want to live in a world where there was no suffering to learn from. Hmmm… does this make me a masochist? Don’t get me wrong – it hasn’t been fun having these illnesses. I haven’t enjoyed it. But as with a physical workout, once the pain and effort is over I can see the benefits. I think I am more compassionate, empathetic, non-judgmental and simply nicer as a result of the pain. I know how much it means when I am down and someone offers a kind word, when a bus driver sees me running for the bus and waits for me, then smiles instead of snarling. Knowing this I try to show the same kindness to others myself.

It’s not a view I held in my twenties, but in my fifties a world full of people with no personal experience of what it is like to be lonely, sad, scared, frail or miserable seems more like hell than heaven.

Happy moments

2009-08-07T10:56:00.006+12:00

• Buh-boing, buh-boing, buh-boing.’ I show the kids how to jump other pieces in Chinese checkers. ‘Buh-boing, buh-boing, buh-boing’ they mimic, laughing. Then they want music on. They think my music is strange. ‘Doesn’t this just make you feel happy when you hear it?’ I ask as some trance music plays. ‘Nah,’ they shake their heads. I start moving my arms in time to the music. Soon the kids are hysterical at the sight of my dancing. I’m having as much fun as when I was a kid myself, just losing myself in being silly and the wonderful looseness of laughter.

• .Walking through Farmers department store my eye is caught by a burst of colour. I look closer and see flannel pajamas in a lilac colour dotted with starts in purple, yellow and pink. Looking at them makes me feel so happy. I look at the other pajamas to see how they make me feel. Stripes – no, flowers – no. I look back at the purple starry pajamas and feel another burst of happiness. It’s weird, but nice, how happy looking at them makes me feel.

I’m standing at the kitchen sink, shelling an egg. The dishes are done, the washing is on, the clothes in the dryer are dry and all the animals are fed and happy. Everything is in order. I pause to realise how contented I feel in this moment. I’m looking forward to today’s trip to beach, to seeing my mum and my friend, to walking Barney barndog on the beach. I’m poised on that knife edge where looking back and looking forward over the day is pleasurable and the present moment is happy – the knife edge of happiness.

Seeing ourselves as positively as others do

2009-08-06T09:37:00.005+12:00

We are much more wonderful than we usually give ourselves credit for. So many people I know simply don’t see all the great things about them that other people can see. I know I’m one of these people. I have to work really hard to stay focused on my strengths, achievements, talents and skills. If I don’t do this I can fall into the old habit I learned from my earliest days - focusing on what I did wrong, what about me isn’t up to standard, and what my personal defects are.

I remember when I first realised that my view of myself was completely unrealistic. It was during my first severe period of depression. I had spotted a review of a book that sounded really helpful and asked my mother to buy it for me. This book (Know your Strengths and be Confide nt by Iris Barrow) told me to write down lists of my positive qualities, achievements and skills – EVEN IF they were not perfect, or I only tried to do them. The ‘even if’ allowed me to put aside my extremely high standards that led to me discounting most of the positives about myself.

As I wrote the lists I was amazed to see how long they were. With shock I realised how skewed and distorted my idea of myself was. I saw myself as a failure, hopeless, someone who fucked everything up. My lists told a different – much more realistic – story. Of course, other people could see these positives and probably assumed I could too. But my learned habit of focusing on the negatives about me, however tiny, blowing them up and then ignoring or discounting the real positives had led to a picture of myself that was totally out of synch with reality.

Two other resources I've found really helpful in building up a realistic picture of myself are the book Self-esteem by Patrick Fanning and Matthew McKay and the Strengths Questionnaire on the authentic happiness website.

If you want advice

2009-08-05T18:37:00.004+12:00

If any reader wants to put a situation to me to get ideas and feedback please feel free to do so. I'm more than happy to do this. And I won't even charge 5c!

Also I reply to every comment that is left on the blog. I hope people realise this and check back to prior posts to see how I've responded to their comments.

So bombard me with your issues!! Bring it on! Really - I'm ready.

Therapy can appear useless if it’s done wrongly

2009-08-05T18:30:00.003+12:00

Sorry to drag the dog into it again, but as I’ve been training him over past weeks it’s got me thinking about how things sometimes appear not to work because you get only part of the story. When I first applied the Dog Listener techniques from the DVD to Barney his biting got worse. A dog obedience leaflet had helpful information and Barney improved in some ways, but not his biting. Finally I got the book of The Dog Listener.

Reading the book I realised the most important things had been left out of the DVD. Using the full techniques I could soon walk round the yard and sit on the sofa without being bitten and barked at. Whereas when I’d done what the DVD suggested – holding him by his collar until he stopped – it had turned into a vicious wresting match. It didn’t work at first because I learned only part of what works.

I’ve had similar experiences with therapy. Cognitive therapy works for most people. But I’ve had a therapist who made it fail by not treating a relapse. Some psychologists have done it by rote, showing no understanding of the underlying principles. One therapist was so cold he undermined the positive impact of cognitive therapy. If I hadn’t known it worked I would have given up.

And even cognitive therapy wasn’t enough on its own – I needed more to be happy. When I added bright light, proper diet, omega 3, vitamins and minerals, regular exercise, more close relationships, a focus on the good things in life, relationship skills, relapse prevention, work I enjoyed and stress management I got happiness.

What I learned from this is not to give up on therapy just because of one bad experience. The Osmonds sang ‘one bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch, girl’. My lyrics go ‘one (or even two, or three or more) bad therapy experiences don’t mean the whole bunch sucks – give it one more chance before you gii-iive up on therapy’. OK the scansion sucks, but the message is clear. Therapy can help. If it’s not helping it’s worth trying a new therapists and/or therapies and/or more types of therapy until you find the right one(s). That’s what worked for me.

The importance of supportive friends

2009-08-04T12:46:00.004+12:00

Twice recently I’ve had things I’ve written in this blog quoted back at me. The first time was on my weekly ‘good things’ call with a close friend. I was telling her about how I ‘should’ mend my gate, how it would make my life so much easier if it worked properly but I just didn’t feel motivated. She said ‘why don’t you treat it as something nice that you do for your future self?’
‘Hmm,’ I thought. ‘That sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before?’
‘Like you wrote about in your blog last week,’ she added and it all became clear.

So I set to with hammer and saw and fixed half the gate. I didn’t enjoy it (although I did work a lot of my bad mood out on the nails) but I had a huge feeling of satisfaction at the end, and again every time I opened the gate without a problem.

Then another friend responded to my post about being on the verge of a relapse by suggesting I watch a funny movie to lift my mood, as I’d written about in an earlier post. Talk about right back at ya! I took the movie he suggested out, plus a few others, and had a movie fest all rainy Saturday. It was great! I really felt better afterwards.

This highlighted for me not only how useful the blog is turning out to be for reminding me to use my happiness habits, but how important it is to have supportive people in your life who make these kind of suggestions. I grew up with a lot of put downs and not much encouragement. So having friends like these who not only encourage me but suggest specific ways I can feel better is wonderful and really helps support my ongoing happiness.

Good things for the last week

2009-08-03T18:31:00.003+12:00

• Local kids came over and helped with the cooking, vacuuming and played soccer with the dog and we had a great time on Sunday
• Made a huge pot of yummy pumpkin soup with their help
• Had some local friends over for a dinner and a lot of laughs and fun
• sitting on the porch in the sun with the dog cuddled up beside me today, reflecting on how well behaved he is now
• Nice talks with my Mum on the phone
• My littlest cat is finally calming down and adapting to having a dog in the house
• Really enjoyed watching some funny DVDs, including Be Kind Rewind, Tropical Thunder,and Zac and Miri make a Porno
• Lovely sunny day after a day of torrential rain
• Got most of the taxes spreadsheet finished
• Posted on my blog six days out of seven
• Nice comments on my blog
• Took my car for a warrant check
• Cooked a roast of beef and veges and froze a couple of meals.

Happy though life is crappy

2009-08-02T10:44:00.004+12:00

The stomach churning realisation that after my back taxes are all paid I will probably be destitute is boring a big hole in my happiness. Not only destitute but possibly thousands of dollars in debt, this time without a house to sell. The combination of ill health and the recession have hit me hard. Had I sold my house a year earlier before house prices crashed I would have got another $100K for it, and have no financial worries at all. I’d even be able to buy a modest house in my new home town. But that was then and then is over, so there’s no point thinking about it.

My concern now is how to stay happy despite the crap in my life. I keep reminding myself of one of the things I’ve learned in my decades of transforming depression into happiness:

Though life may be crappy, I can still be happy

There was a time when I believed my mood was controlled by my circumstances. If I’d had a good day and things were going well, I should be happy, and vice versa. I even added up the score of good things versus bad each day so I could know what mood I should be in. And when I fell below my high standards, boy did I punish myself with depression. Then I discovered cognitive therapy. One of the ideas that had the biggest impact on me was from the philospher Epictetus:

What disturbs people's minds is not events but their judgments on events.

To me this meant that if I chose a certain way of thinking about things I could be happy even when things were crappy. It has been a long-term mission to learn how to think differently when crap happens, but by and large I’ve managed to do so. It’s had a huge impact on my mood – for the better! So I remind myself of this in order that even though I may lose all my money, I can avoid losing what is even more precious to me – my happiness.

The heroism of people with mental illness

2009-07-31T13:07:00.002+12:00

Another day, another extreme sportsperson bites the dust. Or snow. Reading about the latest poor adventurer to snuff it got me thinking about one of my favourite topics – how people with mental illnesses are just as heroic as the bravest mountain climber, tramper or heliskier. Let’s face it – no one holds a gun to their heads and says ‘go and climb up that icy, dangerous mountain or I will blow your brains out’. (I could argue that someone who would climb such a mountain knowing how many people have been killed on it does not have many brains to blow out, but that would be unkind.) No, these heroes volunteer to undertake jeopardy and hardship.

And don’t even get me started on the ones who go out without a compass, cell phone, wet weather gear, telling anyone where they are, etc, etc…and then expect to have thousands spent on being rescued.

But those of us who suffer a mental illness didn’t volunteer. Through a combination of unlucky genes and life circumstances we’ve ended up drawing the short straw. Every day we deal with symptoms that are bewildering, stressful, miserable and difficult. It makes climbing a mountain look easy. Not only that but we often have to cope with the attitudes of people who seem to blame us for our symptoms, as if we do it all on purpose just to make life difficult for them or lack will power. Whereas those who willingly ski down rocky, steep slopes, or jump off high peaks, or set off into the thick bush and get lost, buried in an avalanche, or fall off the mountain are treated as heroes.

Well here’s what I think. Those of us who every day deal with the symptoms of mental illness that we did not choose, who battle through each day, who persist in looking for ways to feel better and have a satisfying life, are greater heroes than any extreme sportsperson. We deserve applause and a HUUUGE medal.

What would life be like if I hadn’t tried my hardest to be happy?

2009-07-30T12:36:00.003+12:00

A fat yellow moon is rising in the violet sky. Jazz is on the stereo, the fire is snapping and I’m sipping vanilla tea and munching a cookie still warm from the oven. I am so proud of myself. Today I woke up happy again despite a week of illness. Saturday a week ago I’d had a wonderful day. The dog and I had driven out through the sunshine (the dog wisely leaving the driving to me) to a reserve on the banks of the Waikato River. We’d parked among massive, leafless trees glowing in the sunlight. The dog had acted like a real dog, chasing sticks, retrieving balls, cavorting among the dead leaves and I’d done way too much exercise. After coffee with a friend I’d taken him for another big walk at Hamilton Gardens and by the time I got home I was exhausted. As a result I was ill last week, with two full day in bed.

Which is why I’m so proud of myself. Despite being ill and house bound much of last week I woke up happy every. Partly it was having such a great Saturday. But I also did a good job of talking back to my anxious, catastrophizing thoughts about money, health and the future. So not only have I felt happy but I’ve achieved a fair bit, despite being sick.

This is the payoff for all my work building new behaviours and thinking patterns, learning how to reduce my depression and increase my happiness. Even when I have a bad day I have so many ways to make myself feel better that I know sure it’s not going to last. And the good days outweigh the bad by a large ratio. Sometimes I think about how many minutes, hours, days, weeks and months of happiness I would have missed if I hadn’t gone down this track, picking myself up every time I fell over, determined to master the happiness habit. Life wouldn’t have been much fun. In fact I doubt I would be here at all.

Heading off a relapse

2009-07-29T12:37:00.004+12:00

If I don’t watch it I’m going to crash. I can see the signs. Things like:
• Waking up in the early hours of the morning and lying awake worrying and fretting about things that have gone wrong or may go wrong
• Shaky mood some days, with moments of depression at times
• Feeling that life is too much and I can’t cope
• Getting angry and frustrated.

My happiness is like a precious metal in a vault. I need to monitor it, keep guard, watch for the alarm signals that tell me it’s at risk. If I don’t guard it zealously I will lose it – again. Not for a long time this time, but I’ve had enough depression in my life that I don’t want a moment more if I can avoid it. And I can.

So here’s what I’m doing to make sure my mood doesn’t crash:
• Reducing my stress levels, not taking on tasks that would be too much, avoiding stressful meetings
• Organising regular social contact, visiting and ringing friends, having people round for dinner
• Making a note of good things, what I’ve achieved and what I’m looking forward to each morning
• Talking to my counsellor
• Sticking to my routine so I don’t get exhausted
• Getting more time outside for bright light.

If I catch it in time I should be fine. What I’ve learned over the years is that keeping watch over my precious happiness and taking quick action to protect it avoids hours of heartache.

The happiness of small things

2009-07-28T14:31:00.004+12:00

The other day I was browsing through the pet shop, horrified by the cost of the toys. ‘I could buy one of these and my dog probably wouldn’t even play with it,’ I thought. Barney’s favourite game is tennis ball soccer. He gets great pleasure from chewing on the discs of ice that form in the water bowls outside on a frosty night, or on a piece of kindling (or my shoe, or my backpack, or my…pretty much anything really), things that are completely free. (Except for the cost of new shoes and backpack.) Watching Barney joyfully dig in the river bank the other day got me thinking about how much pleasure is bound up in really quite small things.

I first learned about this from the book The Pursuit of Happiness by one of the first ‘happyologists’, David Myers. He noted that people get more happiness from the small things that happen regularly than big things, like getting married. Later research showed that the pleasure of big events like winning a lottery tends to wear off within months, leaving people feeling about as good or bad as they did to start with. Learning this encouraged me to build more small pleasures and joys into my life.

Like my favourite tea each morning. No matter how many times I have it, I love the sweet, spicy smell and taste, the way it warms me up. The feeling every night when the day is done and I can sink into bed with nothing I have to do, free to read. The thrill of coming home from the library, loaded down with new books, each of them a universe of unexplored pleasure in itself. The phone call each Saturday with a close friend to talk about good things in our week. Driving the car – I love the feeling of speed and power, the competence I feel as a driver. Listening to a favourite song. Looking at the frost sparkling in the sun on the branches and buds of the japonica. All free (or pretty cheap). All small. All adding to the cumulative weight of joy in my life each day.

Good things for the last week

2009-07-27T11:09:00.004+12:00

• Almost perfect afternoon tea at the Boatshed café where they not only served superb cheese scones but also let the dog run round with their resident dogs leaving me free to sit in the sun overlooking the river and read the Sunday paper in peace – bliss! (the brown lump in the picture is their chocolate lab Lola having a rest after tiring herself out begging for tidbits)
• I got half the gate mended so it’s much easier to open and close
• Discovered a couple of lovely reserves and had fun pottering round them with the dog
• Paddling in the river and confusing the dog by throwing stones in the water beside him
• A wonderful hot fire that warmed up the whole room on a frosty, bitter night
• Warm bed on a frosty morning
• Catching up with a friend while he fed the calves
Great talks with two close friends from my hometown
• Crunching round the garden in the frost enjoying the morning quiet and stillness
• The pleasure of a fresh sheets on the bed
• Reading books by two of my favourite authors, John Sandford and Scott Turow, both masters of their art
• Feeling better after two days of being bedridden in the past week

The reasons for my absence

2009-07-27T11:07:00.001+12:00

Apologies to those who read my blog daily (all three of you!) I realise I’ve posted only three days out of the last seven. This is due in part to the yo yo effect of ME. If I do too much, I then crash out and can do nothing. So Tuesday and Friday I spent completely bedridden. Saturday and Sunday I meant to post but I got beguiled by the beautiful weather and ended up spending most of my time outside, pottering round the garden and taking the dog out to the park. But I do intend to post every day this week! I just have to stick to my routine and remember not to do too much.

The best little dog in the world

2009-07-22T13:43:00.005+12:00

My very good little (well, more medium-sized now) dog lies snoring on the armchair. What a different dog he is from a few weeks ago. Today I was so exhausted I gave him the run of the house with my disabled cat while I rested. I had no fear the dog would hurt or even threaten the cat. In my up moments the dog and I played tennis ball soccer in the hall and he was perfectly behaved – no biting or jumping. I can now go out into the yard with him and he doesn’t bite or jump up 95% of the time. When he does it takes only a short application of my new techniques before he reverts to a perfect gentleman, trotting calmly at my heels. I can sit on the couch with him and have a cuddle without being bitten or harassed.

I’m so proud. Not only of him, but of myself. Had I given up on him when he first started playing up, decided he was a problem dog or that the situation was beyond me, I would have missed out on all this fun and closeness. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and pleasure at my success. It also reinforces for me that my general approach to problems works – keeping an open mind, believing they are solvable, gathering information, assessing pros and cons, forming action plans.

But the most important thing of all is that I didn't give up. Whether it’s dog problems or depression, I’ve learned that simply persisting in trying to find a solution is the key to succeeding. I know that just as with a badly behaved dog, depression can be tamed – there are more effective therapies out there than you can shake a stick at. It’s just a matter of trying different things until something(s) works. Then keeping on with it until it becomes a habit, just as coming when I say ‘come’ is becoming a habit with my sweet, well-behaved little, sorry, medium-sized dog.

Feel good, think better: Using positive experiences to aid cognitive work

2009-07-22T13:21:00.005+12:00

A couple of days ago I posted about how positive experiences, including watching DVDs or performances, can lift your mood and help your thinking. Apart from helping you feel good this approach also has another use. Some people I’ve talked to avoid challenging their depressing thinking because focusing on it makes them feel bad. I’ve found one way to get round this is to watch a funny or uplifting movie first or see a friend. Then when I’m feeling better, I’m more able to cope with looking at thoughts I might find distressing, like ‘my life is a mess’ or ‘I can’t get on with other people’. Not only that, but because feeling positive emotions increases the ability to think clearly and creatively, I’m more able to see the holes in my thoughts and challenge them.

‘Why bother looking at your thoughts at all?’ I can hear you asking. ‘If watching a DVD or doing something fun makes you feel better, why not leave it at that?’ My personal reason for continuing to challenge and change my depressing thoughts is that it protects me against future depression. While it’s great that I can feel good when I watch a DVD or live performance, I can’t spend every waking hour doing that. What I know from experience is that if I learn to identify the thoughts that get me down and change them for something that makes me feel better I’m more able to enjoy life even when I’m not able to watch a movie. Working on my thoughts gets at the cause of my bad feelings and helps protect my happiness in times when positive experiences are scarce.

Good things for the last week

2009-07-20T09:56:00.006+12:00

• Little girls from over the road came to visit and had a lovely time giving the dog ice cubes to crunch, throwing the ball for him, making chocolate milkshakes and drawing
• I finally got a mouse that works after the dog chewed my old one up and the replacement didn’t work
• Nice dinner and chat with a friend
• The inaugural meeting of the Waikato Bisexuals Group finally happened – a new era is born!
• Caught up with most of my emails
• Had a nice chat with my cousin
• Had coffee and delicious white chocolate raspberry ripple cheesecake with friends in Hamilton
- playing tennis ball soccer round the living room with the dog
• Found my best trousers! I thought I must have lost them for good

How to feel good quickly

2009-07-19T17:43:00.000+12:00

I was recently sent a video clip by email. The friend who sent it said it brought tears to her eyes. Having been sent many such inspiring clips and pictures over the years and found most of them saccharine and sentimental, I was sceptical. The title ‘The Juggler’ didn’t reassure me. I didn’t see how a juggler could make me tearful, unless s/he dropped the balls, which would probably just make me cringe. To my surprise when I played it I was extraordinarily moved. A man ( whom I later learned is Chris Bliss) juggled three very ordinary looking tennis balls to the Beatles’ song ‘Golden Slumbers’. His timing and moves perfectly reflected the rhythm and moods of the music. I have heard of poetry in motion but this was music in motion. Despite myself I felt my own eyes pricking. More than that, I felt lifted onto a higher emotional plane. (To see the video click on this link.)

This is not an uncommon reaction to a movie, picture, performance or other positive experience. Researcher Barbara Frederickson has investigated the impact of positive experiences on emotions and thinking and found that not only do they make people feel better, but they improve their ability to think clearly and creatively. One of my most powerful experiences of this was when I was recovering from a serious suicide attempt. I was meeting a friend downtown to see a movie called Window on Paris. On my way there I felt so downhearted and emotionally pained I wished that the suicide attempt had succeeded. The film started in a poor apartment in Russia and didn’t seem likely to lift my spirits. But it took off in a whimsical and inspiring direction. By the time I left the theatre I was a different person. I felt in love with life, full of hope and joy, like life was really worth living.

I now know that when I feel down one of the easiest and most effective ways to lift my mood is to get out a bunch of funny or uplifting DVDs. Music and Lyrics, Zoolander, Blades of Glory, Step into Liquid and This is Spinal Tap are a few of the titles that will change my mood by the time they’re over. (In fact even looking at stills from Zoolander for this post got me smiling and intensified my already good mood as I remembered how funny and silly it was.) While it’s nice to know there’s a scientific basis for this the most important thing to my mind is that it works. Once I’ve watched the movie(s) I can see life with more hope and perspective. Problems seem smaller and joys are more obvious. It’s a winner.

Doing something nice for my future self

2009-07-17T11:36:00.000+12:00

The other night I came home late after seeing a friend and found someone had laid the fire ready to light and filled up the water bottle I keep by my bed. Not big things, but not having to do them when I was tired made me feel cared for and special. Knowing that someone had been thoughtful enough to come in and do these things for me gave me a warm feeling.

In fact it wasn’t a big mystery who had done them. I had felt well enough to lay the fire and fill the water bottle before I left home. But that didn’t matter. I felt as cared for and nurtured as if a friend or my mother had come in and done it for me.

This reminded me about a technique I’ve used in the past to motivate myself to do things. Instead of thinking ‘I should…’ or ‘I ought to…’ do x, y or z I think of it as doing a favour for myself. I project myself into the future and think how pleased I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow and find the dishes are done or I’ve paid those bills. When I reframe it as something I’m doing for myself, rather than something I’m making myself do because of some external pressure or standard, my feelings about the task change completely. And when my future self realises that the task is done I feel nurtured and cared about, just as much as if someone else had done it for me.

Why don’t more depressed people write about getting happy?

2009-07-16T17:16:00.000+12:00

Yesterday’s post about books that have helped me feel better got me thinking about why there aren’t more books by people who’ve transformed their depression into happiness. In fact, counting them up on my fingers there are exactly…none. Actually that's not completely true. On the Edge of Darkness edited by Kathy Cronkite has at least one story of someone who found happiness. But as someone with a long and serious history of depression who is now happy for most hours of most days I find the lack of such books amazing. Why are the shelves not full of them?

It’s not as if there are not a lot of effective therapies about. Cognitive, behavioural, TLC (that’s therapeutic lifestyle changes for the uninitiated), ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy), omega 3 fatty acids, interpersonal therapy, exercise (both aerobic and anaerobic), bright light, positive psychology…there are more effective therapies for depression than you can shake a stick at. So where are all the books by people who have found happiness as a result of doing these therapies? This is a message that people suffering from depression desperately need to hear – that it is possible to be happy if you do proven effective things. That's my experience anyway.

Books that have helped me feel better

2009-07-15T12:21:00.000+12:00

A lot of books have helped me feel happier and/or less depressed. The ones that come top of my list are:

1/ Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy/ The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns

It’s an interesting point whether less depression equals more happiness. I can say without hesitation that Feeling Good helped me feel less depressed, many times. I think it also helped me feel happier, although it wasn’t the total answer. I had a to look a lot further than the techniques Dr Burns teaches to achieve happiness. But these techniques helped me reduce my bad feelings and increase my good feelings, and helped me climb out of many a relapse. The Feeling Good Handbook helped me recover from a serious suicide attempt. Feeling Good has sold 3 million copies and I feel awed and humbled when I consider the number of people David Burns has helped, as well as profoundly grateful he wrote it. I wouldn’t want to be living today (and very possibly would not be) without the things I learned from his books.

2/ Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman

I cam across this book fairly late in the piece. Whereas I first encountered cognitive and behavioural techniques in 1982 after an episode of major depression, I didn’t find this landmark work until the late 90’s, when I largely had my depression under control. But it blew me away nonetheless. This book is about how thinking optimistically can not only make you feel better but help you be more successful in work and other areas of life. Research has since shown that optimistic thinking increases good health and life span. I found the book mind blowing and use the techniques it outlines to this day.

Finding opportunity in loss OR The dog ate my mouse

2009-07-14T16:05:00.001+12:00

The reason I posted yesterday's blog entry today is that on Sunday night the dog ate my mouse. I left the living room to have a nap and just once - once! - forgot to put the mouse, keyboard and leads up high where the dog couldn't get them. When I came back to the room he was sitting on the sofa with the mouse between his paws.
'That's odd,' I thought. 'The mouse cord doesn't reach that far.'
Then I realised that Barney had improved the mouse so that it could be taken as far as he wanted - by chewing off the cord. Of course he did this right at the base so I couldn't mend it. My next thought was 'good - now I can get a wireless mouse'. That's when I started thinking about the doors that open when a door closes, and how each loss can bring with it opportunity.

The next day I went out on an unplanned trip to buy a new mouse. On my way out yelling next door alerted me that stress levels were high with kids home for holidays so I offered to take the oldest boy with me. He repaid me by running round the park with my dog so that I could sit and rest, since I was having a low energy day. We had a great outing and his mother got a break - another door that opened when Barney ate the mouse! Here are a few more examples of doors that opened when one closed in my life.

I had to sell my house to pay my debts and move to a small country town, where I got the opportunity to meet a lot of new friends and get involved in some interesting new activities
I was just about to take up a new permanent job when I had a relapse of ME, so instead I took on a research contract which led into a successful career as a secondary researcher, writer, public speaker and trainer that allowed me time to work flexible hours and rest more
I missed out on my dream job once but got an even better one that I was much more suited
I had to leave behind the Wellington Bisexual Women’s Group, which I so enjoyed being part of for over a decade. But in my new home I got involved with the Hamilton Pride committee and through them the wider rainbow community, which I really enjoy, and set up a new support/social group for bisexuals.

Good things for the last week

2009-07-14T15:29:00.001+12:00

I found my other glove!
Lovely talks with two of my closest friends
Neighbourhood kids came over for chocolate milkshakes and to play with dog, read and draw
Unexpected positive feedback on something I wrote gave me a real boost in confidence
Fun time gossiping with mates after the Hamilton Pride committee meeting and yummy supper
Drive with a friend even though we couldn’t find the nature reserve we were looking for and it rained and was cold and grey, we had great talks and a great time and the dog enjoyed the ride and walks
Apricot and apple strudel with icecream!
I met another one of my neighbours and her dog and had a nice chat with her
I walked Barney off the leash three times in unfamiliar places and he came when called most of the time – good boy!
Sinking into a hot bath on a cold day
I enjoyed lying in bed on Saturday night and Sunday morning reading the weekend paper
Luxurious nap on Sunday when I felt really tired

Is perfect happiness the goal?

2009-07-12T17:02:00.000+12:00

My friends are pretty frank with me, in a loving way. That’s they way I like them. When I showed the story of how I transformed my depression into happiness to my closest friend he said ‘it seems to me that as soon as you have another failed relationship, you’ll get depressed again.’ It's true that rejection is my weakest point, although he seemed to forget that not every break up has been followed by a depression. My break up with him, for instance. But it reminded me that I’m not always happy. I have my down hours, sometimes days. Occasionally I’m up and down for a week or two.

I called another close friend and asked her ‘Is there any point in writing my personal story if I’m not always happy?’
‘People are turned off by someone who’s perfectly happy,’ she said. Instantly I realised that she was right. Someone who’s struggling with depression is going to feel resentful of some Sally Sunshine who claims to be constantly happy. It’s just too high a standard to aim for – it almost sets you up to fail. It’s hard to be accepting of one’s ups and downs if perfect happiness is the goal, let alone feel safe revealing them to others.

After I hung up I asked myself ‘what have I got to say if I’m not always happy?’ I thought about what my life would be like if I had not made the decision, time after time, to pick myself up after each relapse, each bad day, and try again to find happiness. I very likely wouldn’t still be here. But if I was, I certainly wouldn’t have experienced as many moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years of happiness as I have. Happiness would not be my default position, something I notice mainly when it disappears. This then is what I have to say. It’s possible to be a lot happier if you try the things that work and keep on trying even when your mood falls over for a while. And that’s worth the effort.

Writings on the wall - anti-catastrophisation

2009-07-10T20:47:00.000+12:00

I’m not sure if ‘anti-catastrophisation’ is actually a word but what I mean is talking back to thoughts of imminent disaster with more rational, realistic and calming thoughts. I’ve called this post ‘Writings on the wall’ because something I find helpful in countering my automatic thoughts is to write posters in big letters and bright colours and pin them on the wall. Each poster lists the best answers I’ve found to my most common upsetting thoughts. One of these is catastrophising. It’s something I learned from my Mum – she could make a major disaster out of losing a sock! But I’ve become an expert at it in my own right. Here are my writings on the wall about it.

Am I thinking gloomy thoughts? Assuming things will go wrong?

• I can assume it will turn out well and feel better
• I have no evidence that it will turn out badly
• Lots of things in my life have turned out well, even when it’s looked like they wouldn’t e.g. getting Barney, training him, moving to a small town, Bowie not being missing
• I don’t know how it will turn out. But given that it might turn out well (and that assuming it will turn out well makes life more enjoyable) I might as well assume it will all be OK and enjoy life more. My present moment is my only reality.

I find that when I start to panic about something or assume the worst, these thoughts make me feel a lot better.

N.B. The picture above is not of my actual mother, although this woman does look very distressed about the loss of a sock!

The Joy of Cat-astrophising

2009-07-10T20:23:00.000+12:00

I arrive home from a trip to the beach and – as usual – the first thing I do is check the house and yard for my disabled cat to make sure he hasn’t found a way through the fence to the outside world. He is the Mr Magoo of the cat world – deaf, brain damaged, with erratic vision (he sees cats where there is only paper blowing in the wind and misses actual cats that walk right by him). But like Mr Magoo, he is supremely confident of his ability to negotiate the world despite this. He would go out onto the road in a minute, unaware that a cat who can’t hear a car coming and has a very slow reaction time is road kill about to happen. I’m more concerned than usual tonight because our new neighbours have two huuuge dogs that look very capable of jumping my fence and have no fence at their place to keep them in.

Bowie the cat is not on the bed where I usually find him. Neither is he anywhere in the house. I check the yard but there is no sign, and a white cat is fairly easy to see in the dark. I feel the symptoms of rising panic – acid in my throat, heart beating faster, a faint sick feeling. I return to the house for another look, wondering what I’ll do if I can’t find him. He could be anywhere. Then I hear his distinctive rusty gate meow. Goodness knows where he was hiding. He looks annoyed, as usual, as if he is tut-tutting about the age I’ve been away and suggesting that his jelly meat could do with refreshing. No wagging tail and ecstatic dog-like welcome here.

I feel a familiar sensation of relief – huge, all-consuming and intensely pleasurable. ‘This,’ I think with a sudden insight, ‘is the reward of catastrophizing – this wonderful feeling when the disaster doesn’t happen.’ No wonder I’m so addicted to it. The payoff is enormous. I’m not really sure how you counter this. But tomorrow I outline how I talk back to my catastrophising thoughts.

Things I'm looking forward to

2009-07-09T13:00:00.000+12:00

There have been times in my life when I’ve felt that there was nothing to look forward to, that the future held only suffering and disaster. I’ve always been proved wrong. Now I know that the future always holds good things, however bleak my view of it may be. I reinforce this knowledge by keeping a list of things I’m looking forward to. I add to it every few days. Hope, I’ve found, is the antidote to despair. Here is my list for today.

Making the recipe I found for savoury pinwheel scones – yum!
Finding pictures for my posts – yay!
Seeing Barney barndog when he comes home from his OM (original mother’s) place and seeing how excited he is to be home and see me (of course)
Talking to my niece on the phone
A nap today
Sitting in the sun
My feet warming up
Making some more of the delicious Macau soup with potato, garlic, chorizo sausage and winter greens
Getting the gate fixed so it’s easy to open and close
Going for a drive with a friend and the dog this weekend to a nature reserve I’ve wanted to visit for ages if I feel well enough
Bubble bath tonight
Sinking into sleep

Unless I control the dog the dog controls my moods - or does he?

2009-07-08T14:40:00.000+12:00

I have discovered the secret to controlling Barney barndog. It is by doling out miniscule portions of wet cat food (known in the vernacular as ‘jelly meat’) whenever he behaves as I desire. World domination is mine, provided I keep up stocks of Gourmet cat food. (Manufacturers please note, I’m ripe for a sponsorship deal here.) It occurred to me last night that I write about my dog so much in this blog that it’s a dog blog more a happiness blog. Maybe I should retitle it Bringing up Barney? Authentic Obedience? The How of Dog Training? Hmmm. It’s a thought. (I didn’t say a good one.)

The reality is that Barney’s behavior has a huge impact on my moods. When he is bitey, on days when walking round the yard is made difficult by having to drag behind me the creature attached by the teeth to my trousers or boots, when my hands are bleeding and sore from his nips – I really experience a lot of negative emotions. Anger, hatred, frustration, shame, rage, misery, despair. All my old feelings of failure and inferiority come rushing back. I have to work extra hard not to take it personally, not to project it into the future as a never-ending failure, not to feel my whole life is crappy. In fact as I write I realise it’s about the three p’s of learned optimism – personalization, permanence and pervasiveness. The four p’s when you add in Barney’s accidents on the carpet. (Not the kind of p Martin Seligman had in mind I suspect.)

Now that I’m fully implementing the Dog Listener method life is much happier, and so am I. Today we’ve only had a couple of bitey episodes, strictly confined to the blanket, which soon ceased when I ignored him. Other than that he has been a sweet, playful, loving little dog. Right now he’s sound asleep on one side of the fire while my white cat sleeps on his blanket on the other side. Even Barney’s attempts to take over Bowie’s blanket have been so half-hearted that a look and a raised eyebrow on my part put an end to them. (Barney has a bad case of blanket envy.) Today I feel happy, even light hearted, playful and elated (it’s good to get full value from my thesaurus). It’s easy for me to assume this is because Barney is good. But I know it’s much more to do with how I’m thinking. While it’s tempting to believe that good dog = good mood, I have a lot more control over it than that. It is situations like this that make me glad I know so much about identifying the thoughts that make me feel bad and modifying them. And that I have a copy of The Dog Listener!

Count what counts - noticing achievements

2009-07-07T10:11:00.000+12:00

Just now I found myself thinking ‘I did nothing yesterday – what a slack day I had.’ Long experience of how my thoughts quietly lie to me alerted me to a wrongful assumption about to slip past the internal radar.
‘Hang on,’ I said to myself. ‘Is that really true? What did I actually do yesterday?’

The list went something like this:

brought firewood in
tidied the bedroom
did my asthma breathing exercises
put a wash through
dried firewood
made a fire
hung out the wash
did some dishes
spent time playing with the dog and training him
put out the ingredients for the soup I’m planning to make
finished my tax calculations and filled in the form
typed up ideas for future blog entries
posted a blog entry
found pictures for it.

When I stopped and looked at it this was hardly ‘nothing’, especially for someone with a chronic illness having a bad day. The mistake I was making was focusing on what I’d planned to do and hadn’t got done (yet). Like: make the new soup recipe, cook a roast, make spaghetti Bolognese, make cottage pies, write new blog entries, add pictures to old blog entries, do some writing. When I looked at it I realised this was quite a daunting list, even for someone with good health. In paying attention to all the things I hadn’t done I’d overlooked all the things I had done and ended up thinking I’d done ‘nothing’.

I know why I do this – I was brought up by adults who pointed out to me what I hadn’t done, or what I could have done better. I don’t think they meant to be cruel or destructive (although there was a certain amount of, shall we say, ego enhancement in it for them). It was more how they saw the world. So my job is to overcome this childhood conditioning and remember to notice all the things I achieved, rather than getting fixated on everything I didn’t manage to do today.

Good things for the last week

2009-07-06T10:08:00.000+12:00

I really enjoyed watching the film ‘For the Bible Tells us So” about the (bogus) Biblical basis for homophobia and the effect it has had on five families
It was nice to see my buddies from the Hamilton Pride committee there
my interview on the Bisexuals Group that I’m setting up finally recorded for Flat Out Queer radio after one failed attempt, and it was fun doing it
delicious savoury pinwheel scones from the Tokoroa New World bakery – so huge and full of cream cheese, ham, and other good things
One of my best friends rang from Wellington and we had a great chat
Barney went to play with the older Staffy cross next door and they both had a wonderful time romping in the back yard
Lovely drive past green fields bathed in afternoon sun, trees casting long shadows, some still covered with orange and rust coloured leaves
Road works meant I could drive slowly past a thin waterfall that starts as a stream running across a paddock then falls over a rock slip into a gully surrounded by leafless poplars – if I was going normal speed I would have missed it
I finally finished my GST return!
I made good inroads on my backlog of emails

Success (sort of) using problem solving techniques

2009-07-05T12:01:00.000+12:00

Today I went and sat in the sun with Barney on his duvet and we had an almost bite-free pleasant time. He snuggled into my side, biting on his chew toy instead of me or my clothes. This is such a contrast to even two days ago when sitting on the duvet with him outside would lead to a vicious wrestling match ending with me angry and nursing sore, bleeding hands, almost hating him. Now Barney is snoozing by the wood burner on his blanket, looking like a placid puppy who wouldn’t dream of biting anyone.

This seems like a miracle, and I hope it lasts. I achieved it the way I’ve achieved every improvement in my mood, every conquest of a relapse of depression – by trial and error, researching the evidence, reviewing what I’ve tried so far – what worked, what didn’t – and brainstorming new ways around the problem. My father taught me problem solving techniques when I’d had a fight with my best friend at 16. Despite initial scepticism I found them marvellous and have used them ever since. They’ve been reinforced by the problem solving approach inherent in cognitive therapy, which I’ve been using for over quarter of a century.

So it is natural to apply a problem solving approach to the Barney situation. I know I’m doing something that is accidentally rewarding his biting. Somehow I need to get the message into his little doggie head that biting results in no fun. I’ll keep trying, reviewing, revising until I get back the non-bitey dog I first knew and liked. I just went outside and got nipped again so it’s back to the drawing board, but I know I’ll get there in the end if I just keep trying and don’t give up.

Strangely happy

2009-07-04T10:35:00.000+12:00

For F who loves lyricism and D who loves choosing to be happy

Yesterday was not a day I’d expect to feel happy. I was ill, so weak that it was an effort to walk to the kitchen. Back in bed I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the open window, then sank into delicious sleep. When I woke it was early evening. The color was washing out of the sky, leaving it a pale pastel blue, fading into white, then soft orange. Wispy grey clouds were smudged against the sunset and higher up, where a faint blue remained like a water color, there was a white cloud, so faint that it was only just possible to see its tracery. Gradually it dissolved into the blue. The day was warm. As I lay there I enjoyed the faint touch of a cool breeze against my skin. I drank it in as it lapped around me, as if my pores were sipping at a cool drink. As I cooled I let my attention drift out the window.

My mind mused idly about the problems in my life – health, finances, relationships. But strangely, rather than feeling depressed or even sad, I felt gently, peacefully joyful, as if I were floating on top of the problems, untouched. These things just were. I recognised them but at that moment they were not a burden. As I gazed out the window I felt a sense of pleasant anticipation, as if I was on the verge of something very nice happening, instead of stranded in a strange town, bedridden and unsure of my future. It was quite inexplicable. My feelings soared into joy, as if my soul was about to fly out the window. I watched myself feeling these things with wonderment – the emotions didn’t seem to fit the circumstances. But nonetheless they were the feelings I had, so I enjoyed them.

My mind wandered off to doodle among some technical problems in my writing. I thought with pleasure about how much I love writing, love becoming absorbed in creating until the world and its concerns fade into silence. I thought about how lucky I am to be able to get out as often as I do, to have a brother who provides a home for me in my illness. Even on this day I seemed surrounded by joy, by goodness. I found it a little strange. But why should my happiness be anchored to circumstance? I deserve to feel happy whatever my circumstances.

Planning to have fun

2009-07-03T16:23:00.000+12:00

For K – who likes me to cut to the chase and be practical!

One of the things I’ve found most useful in building good feelings is planning ahead to have good times. I know this sounds a bit anal (as a friend once told me ‘think of the first four letters of the word analytical Kaye – that describes your personality’.) ‘Planning to have fun? Shouldn’t you just have fun, like…spontaneously? Dude?’

I’ve found it’s easier to have fun if I plan activities I'll probably enjoy. If I don’t plan one of two things can happen:

1. I take on too much and get exhausted and stressed, or
2. I plan too little and get bored, lonely and depressed.

Experience tells me the things I’m most likely to enjoy. Almost any social activity will probably boost my mood, although I’m not a huge sports fan. I have been known to appreciate a good game of netball or even the All Blacks when they pass the ball and don’t constantly drop it and jump on top of each other. But I’d rather go to a writing group or church, spend time with friends, take the dog for a walk or romp with a friend who has dogs (the dog romps – I sit sedately on the sofa), or go to a café.

On my own I like to do things like write, find pictures for my blog, talk on the phone, read, listen to music, go to the library, google stuff, cook or watch a funny DVD. I also like to go for drives through places of natural beauty – that almost always makes me feel good.

A good week for me will include social time and alone time, chores and things I like doing. I try to make Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays time to do admin work, finances, rest, stay at home and write. Wednesday is my ‘day off’ when I tend to end up going to appointments, library, vet etc.
Weekends really are time off. This Saturday I’ll spend at home, writing, resting, and cooking. I’ll visit the library and DVD shop if I’m up to it. Sunday I’ll head to Tauranga to visit my Mum, take Barney barndog to the beach and have coffee with my friend. It'll be fun - I can’t wait!

Control what you can and forget the rest

2009-07-01T14:57:00.000+12:00

In room 19 my friend lay hooked up to the machine that pushed air into his lungs and sucked it out again, aiding the muscles that were too wasted to do it themselves. A few minutes off this and he would start to suffocate. His skin was pasty and scaly, and inside his smart stripey pajamas he was starting to look like someone rescued from a concentration camp. Despite the sun I could see shining on the grass and roses outside his window the bed was piled high with blankets because his wasted body meant he was always cold.

‘There was a lot of excitement here yesterday,’ he told me painfully slowly, his eyes shining with the news. I had learned to understand him when he talked through the mask, although it was hard at first.
‘What happened?’
‘One of the ladies with Alzheimer’s went for a walk and they couldn’t find her. She hid in my room.’
‘Bloody hell,’ I laughed. ‘Did they find her in the end?’
‘I had to ring for the nurses and tell them where she was.’

That was about as exciting as it got in there. I fell quiet then asked him ‘How are you?’
‘As well as can be expected,’ he replied, as usual, but I wanted more.
‘Are you feeling sad?’
‘What’s the point?’ His thin shoulders rose and fell in a shrug. ‘I can’t change it. I can either focus on the things I can’t do or on the things I can, so I focus on the things I can.’

This was an amazing change for a man who formerly rivalled Chicken Little with his capacity to worry about every little thing that might go wrong. In some ways he was happier now than before he got sick. Part of that was because of the high level of female attention he was getting, which he thrived on. But a big part of it was his new philosophy of focusing only on what he could control and not fretting about all the rest. To my surprise, as the one who had always been more positive, I found him inspiring.

Resilience - picking yourself up when life knocks you down

2009-07-01T14:32:00.000+12:00

Not every day is easy even when you’re habitually happy. Today did not have a good start. While I was practising being a good alpha bitch and ignoring the dog he proceeded to tear the stuffing out of one of my good cushions. When I saw it I pulled him off the couch onto the floor, screaming ‘I don’t have many nice things and you’re not gonna destroy them’. Then I sat down and burst into tears. Not the procedure recommended by The Dog Listener, although it did have the positive effect of stopping the dog in his tracks.

The truth is some days it all seems too much. While I am truly grateful to my brother for providing a home I can (almost) afford to live in, I miss my lovely house and my sea views. I miss my friends. I’m excited about the possibility of a new career but it’s a huge effort to try and write regularly when I’m often lacking energy for even simple household tasks. And I miss the perks of working – not only the income, but the status, the socialising, the feeling of being a useful member of society.

Which leads me to ask – how do we cope when life knocks us down, whether through illness, bereavement or recession? For myself it’s always been a matter of picking myself up and looking for the next opportunity. In my experience even when all doors seem closed, there will be one that is open. I say to myself ‘phoenix from the ashes’, which reminds me that that’s my nature. No matter how low life has taken me, I’ve always risen again, bigger and better than ever. And I look for role models, in my case people with ME who have developed successful careers as writers. All of this gives me hope, and motivates me to keep trying. I can’t completely stop bad things from happening but I can control how I react to them – to at least some extent – so that’s what I focus on doing.

Using natural rewards to increase motivation OR confessions of a blogaholic

2009-06-30T10:20:00.000+12:00

One of the unexpected outcomes of starting a blog is that I’ve become completely addicted to it. I only have a limited number of ‘up’ hours of good energy each day so I need to be fairly self-disciplined about how I use them if I’m to run my life effectively. But I have to work hard to stop myself from spending every waking hour blogging. Writing posts is fun, as is thinking of topics, but the most addictive part of it is putting in the pictures. I’m truly embarrassed to admit how many hours of my weekend I spent doing this. The writing is taking a back seat to the illustration. In fact as I write this I am impatient, wanting it to be finished so I can go online and look for pictures, as fixated as an alcoholic waiting for that first drink of the day.

This is my nature. I know. I am a person of driving passions. Physical drugs have never had an addictive effect on me (apart from that legal white powder called sugar that has caused me such misery but which I crave nonetheless). But processes I find all-absorbing. So I do what I normally do with these compulsions. I structure my day so that the activity becomes a reward for the things I’m less keen on doing. I make deals with myself like ‘OK I’ll do my post when I’ve done an hour of X’. X could be the dishes, my tax return, putting a grocery order through online. And even within the rewarding activity I structure rewards. Only once I have posted the paras I’ve already prepared and written something new will I allow myself to start searching for illustrations. The way my day has gone today this works out to be 10.05pm i.e. right now, when I’m twitchy with tiredness. So here I go – byeee!

Good things for the last week

2009-06-26T20:57:00.000+12:00

looking at the photos of Mounts Ruapehu and Ngaruhoe in the background with desert plants and snow in the foreground, all coloured orange with violet shadows by the rising sun
I enjoyed staying with Susan’s parents when I went to town
did an entry for my blog every day
enjoyed writing blog entries
helped Susan’s mother set up her own blog
cuddles with Barney dog
lovely Hummingbird cake and Earl Grey tea at the Metropolis café
ordered firewood
fun conversation with Gary
finally managed to buy thermal socks, a polyprop long T, batteries for my scales and a bulb for my reading lamp after meaning to for weeks

Accentuate the positive, minimize the negative

2009-06-26T20:52:00.000+12:00

The dog situation gets me down, especially at night when I’m exhausted and my hands are sore and bleeding from his nipping. Then it’s easy to think of myself as a failure at dog training. But I need to stay focused on the positives – what I have achieved in the past three weeks. My single worst mental habit is focusing on the negatives and ignoring what’s going well. It’s not deliberate, just the way I was brought up to view the world. So it’s important to remind myself that this dog is now almost toilet trained, sits on command, comes when told (sometimes!) and has started to settle at night without sounding like he is dismantling the living room first. Those are real achievements on my part. So I will keep trying, repeating as I go ‘I am the alpha bitch, I am the alpha bitch, I am the alpha bitch…’

The single best tool I’ve ever found for countering my tendency to over-focus on what’s wrong in my life is making a regular note of what’s good. It was suggested to me by a psychologist I was seeing way back in 1984. As I already kept a journal to dispute my automatic thinking in, it was no problem to add a section at the back where I noted down what I had achieved, however small, what I had enjoyed and positive things that had happened. On the facing page I also wrote down what I called F+ events – things I was looking forward to in the future.

When I did the Authentic Happiness Coaching course with Martin Seligman and Ben Dean in 2004/2005 I was interested to find that making a note of ‘three good things’ each day was a technique developed by positive psychologists to increase happiness. At that stage I’d been doing this almost every day for 20 years. I still do it regularly because it makes me feel good. A recent study by Marty Seligman, Chris Peterson and colleagues shows that noting three good things each day can increase happiness and decrease depression significantly over a six month period (you can find a copy of this study at www.authentichappiness.com). Another study shows that it works just as well to note good things once a week*. I think it’s one of the most powerful things I’ve done to transform my depression into happiness and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon – certainly not before the dog is trained!

*Emmons R A and McCullough M E (2003) Counting Blessings versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84: 377-389.

Is it possible to change yourself?

2009-06-26T20:43:00.000+12:00

The community hall standing isolated at the edge of a cow paddock with one lonely car outside elicits a forgotten memory. 19 years old, turning up at a community hall on a winter’s day like this, sunny but chilly in the shadows. Unlocking the door and turning on the heaters, waiting for the drama tutor to turn up, wondering if anyone would come to the workshop I'd organised. I always had such a feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach, of embarrassment in case no one came, or only one or two, and I was seen to be a failure. Why I thought I would be seen as a failure I have no idea – logic would suggest it would reflect more on the tutor’s pull-power than on me. But back in those days I thought everything that went wrong was my fault.

As I drive to my writing group past green meadows, past black and white patched cows munching grass in the sun, glittering brooks and winter-bare trees, I reflect on the person I am now. first went to this group several months ago alone, as I went most places then, knowing no one because I was new to the area. Not a thought about failure or embarrassment had crossed my mind. Now I have friends there. Today at least one person there will be expecting me and glad to see me. I will speak up and say what I think when others read their work, and read mine for critique, and feel relaxed and confident about doing so.

I wonder what that 19 year old version of me would think of this 51 year old version. I remember her well enough to know that she would hate me, fear me, envy me, despise me, loathe me. That was her response to confident, articulate, outgoing people with high self-esteem back then, people like the woman I am today. That girl who cowered in corners at parties, too scared to talk to others unless she was drunk, who hated herself so much that she sometimes wished she was someone else, even a bent, shuffling old woman living in poverty, just to escape the shame of being her – what happened to her? Because she doesn’t live here any more.

What happened was that I changed her. I read books, did courses, forced myself to join groups and apply for jobs, did therapy, learned self-help techniques, until she disappeared, piece by piece, and was replaced by the me I am now. As I drive I muse that this proves to me that people can change, that trying to change is worth it. There will always be some things that I find hard to change, like my poor ability to delay gratification, or tendency to get anxious and catastrophize. But I know if I try I can change even those tough, recurring patterns. If someone was to ask me 'is it worth trying to change the person you are – to become more positive, more outgoing, happier?' I would unhesitatingly answer ‘yes, absolutely yes - don't waste a minute starting’.

The 'if only' chorus

2009-06-26T19:13:00.000+12:00

I woke up in the early hours of this morning to hear rain on the corrugated iron roof and thought only of the almost dry laundry on the clothesline. Once it was in I drifted back to sleep, waking near nine. Just before ten the phone rang.
‘It’s the firewood man here. Your wood is going to be a bit wet when we deliver it today. Is that OK?’
Damn! The blasted firewood. I hadn’t made the connection that as they are gathering it from the forest it would have gotten wet in the rain overnight. After almost a month of sunny days I’d assumed today would be another one.
‘Let me think about it and I’ll ring you back,’ I said, then hung up feeling disgruntled.

The mental chorus started.
‘If only I had ordered it on Monday like I intended to, I would have a garage full of dry wood now. If only I hadn’t gone to Hamilton yesterday I would have beaten the rain. If only I’d been just one day earlier. Why didn’t I ring on Monday?’
Another voice, sounding wryly amused, chimed in.
‘Counter factual thinking,’ was all it said.
This is the wonderful piece of jargon experimental psychologists have come up with to describe what those of us outside the laboratory would call ‘if only’ or ‘might have been’ thinking. It simply means that what you are thinking is counter to fact – that it does not accord with reality. I think it must be fun to be an experimental psychologist, spending hours coming up with counterintuitive terms to describe phenomena that already have everyday labels, to confuse the rest of us.

I find it helpful to say these words – ‘counter factual thinking’ – to myself. It reminds me that the facts are the facts, however little I like them. Lying in bed feeling grumpy and hard done by I said to myself ‘Now is now.’ I have the circumstances that exist right now to deal with. I can’t change a thing by saying ‘if only’ or beating myself up. In situations like this I sometimes look at my watch or cell phone and say to myself ‘what time is it?’ When I answer ’10.19am’ or whatever, I then ask ‘can I change anything that happened before this moment?’ The answer to that question is clear, so then I get on with dealing with what is with much less mental noise. Today I have breakfast, as I never think well on an empty stomach, then ring back and establish that some of the wood is dry. That’s all I need to light a fire to start drying the rest of the wood, so I tell them to go ahead and deliver it. It turns out to be a complete lie (as does their assurance that ‘the wood is dry on the inside’) but by the time I discover this I’m well into coping with what is happening now, the ‘if only’ chorus silenced. Now is now and in the now that is I light a fire and start the mammoth task of drying two cubic metres of wet firewood.

A low flying UPO lights up my life

2009-06-24T11:40:00.000+12:00

Today a low flying UPO swooped into my garden and lit me up. That’s an Unexpected Positive Occurrence, not an Unidentified Plying Object. I was just about to walk the dog – which since I started using an anti-pulling lead has been more like ‘sit the dog’ as he refuses to move when it’s on – when Bianca, the little girl across the road, spotted me at the gate.
‘Hi, Kaye,’ she called out in her sweet four year old voice.
‘Hi, Bianca,’ I called back. ‘I’m just walking Barney – do you want to come?’

Bianca has a special interest in Barney. He was originally her dog, until it became clear that keeping him in her family’s unfenced yard was going to be a logistical nightmare. I had suggested I take him on, as I have a fully fenced yard and it would mean Bianca could still see lots of him. Bianca had been very generous about her dog, saying 'Kaye I would like Barney to come and live with you and for you to be his new Mum'. So it seemed the ideal solution. Ideal until Barney went from being the sweet little dog he was at Bianca’s to being the bitey little beast he is at my place.

‘Careful Bianca,’ I warned her when she reached us. ‘He’s a bit bitey.’
But to my surprise Barney was completely docile with her. His tail went into overdrive as she kissed and petted him. I stood by protectively but Barney didn’t bite, jump or act aggressively in any way. Rather, in Bianca’s presence he became again the lovely little dog he used to be, affectionate and playful. It simply reinforced to me that his biting was due to something I was accidentally doing.

‘We could go to the park,’ Bianca suggested with a winsome look and smile. She loves going to the park and has a genius for getting what she wants. I suspect that’s how she got her puppy. Barney was actually walking now that Bianca was with us so I thought ‘why not?’ Once maternal permission was granted we piled into the car. At the park Bianca slid, hid, climbed on the monkey bars and generally had a ball. So did Barney, and to my surprise, so did I. Barney walked, played, licked our faces, sat on my lap and never once tried to bite. The anger and fear I sometimes felt towards him melted away as he became again the dog I liked in the presence of his little friend. ‘Barney is basically a good dog,’ I thought. ‘I just have to find a way of helping him be that good dog with me.’ I felt so grateful to Bianca for coming into our afternoon and lighting it up, for helping me to feel good about the dog again. It was a classic UPO – an Unexpected Positive Occurrence coming at me without warning out of a clear blue sky.

HAVE YOU HAD A UPO FLY INTO YOUR LIFE?

If so I'd love to hear about it - just post it using the 'comment' function below.

Does health = happiness?

2009-06-24T11:36:00.000+12:00

As I walked down the drive today I reflected that there have been days in past months when doing so would have been beyond me, as daunting as climbing a mountain. At the end of my drive my little white and tabby cat Suki was high up in the branches of a tree. I stood looking up into the canopy of green leaves. The crystalline sky beyond was so blue that I could have believed it was summer if I hadn’t been wrapped up in a thick dressing gown, scarf, woollen hat, thermal socks and sheepskin lined boots against the cold! When I glanced across the road I noticed with surprise that the neighbor’s lawn looked like someone had sprinkled confectioners’ sugar over it, but very carefully so that the concreted drive was missed. Just then I realised how happy I felt. It was nice to feel happy and healthy at the same time – the two don’t always go together in my life.

This got me thinking about whether health equals happiness. I remember a friend who was diagnosed in her 30’s with an illness that will get progressively worse for the rest of her life. A woman she told about it said to her ‘You poor thing – I’ve had poor health myself, and if you haven’t got your health you’ve got nothing’. Hardly a cheering thought for someone facing a lifetime of ill health!

But it hasn’t been my experience. When my health improved after seeing my lovely naturopath she said to me ‘you must feel so happy now’. But in fact I didn’t. I felt quite low. Thinking back to the first time I’d seen her, when I’d had to lie on her couch for the consultation because walking from the car had made me too ill to sit up, I remembered how blissfully happy I’d been then. This was despite the fact that I was deeply in debt and having to sell my much-loved house. In contrast, as my health started improving my mood slipped. The two did not seem intimately linked. And recently, when I was almost housebound for 3 weeks with carbon monoxide poisoning and spent most of my time lying in bed reading and watching videos, I was happy almost every day. So in my experience it’s not true that if you haven’t got your health you’ve got nothing – I can be happy and enjoy life even when I’m not healthy.

Never give up - never surrender

2009-06-23T11:24:00.000+12:00

It’s a gorgeous sunny winter day (the upside of global warming). I have a fire going to warm the icy corners of the living room, but my view as I sit at the computer is of a bushy green tree with olive tints in the neighbor's yard, dappled with sunlight, blowing in the wind. As I sit I muse over the problem with the dog. From being a playful, docile little puppy almost three weeks ago he has gone to being an aggressive, bitey little beast. I know this is what IT people call a ‘user problem’ – the fact that this happened after he came to live with me cannot be a coincidence. I watched him grow up at the house across the road and he never bit anyone there. This is not what I envisaged when I offered to buy the dog because they were having difficulty keeping it on their unfenced property.

But I will not be giving up any time soon. If there’s one thing I have learned from three decades of learning to transform depression into happiness, it is (as they say on that goofy film Galaxy Quest) to ‘never give up – never surrender’. (I think Winston Churchill might have said something similar during WWII, although his version went something like ‘never, never, never, never give in’ and wasn’t applauded by aliens on their inter-galactic space ship. As far as we know.) I’ve learned that while tenacity does not guarantee success, it sure as hell makes it a lot more likely. I wouldn’t have achieved the happiness I have today if I hadn’t got up every time I fell over and tried again. In the immortal words of Chumba-Wumba:

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to keep me down.

(They also sang ‘pissing the night away’ but that’s not so apt here. My apologies to those romantics who thought the lyric was ‘kissing the night away’). So it’s back to my bible – ‘The Dog Listener’ DVD with Jan Fennell – and on with the various techniques she suggests. Experience suggests that if I just keep trying and looking for new information I’ll solve this problem, just as I’ve solved the problem of my depression.

Light up my life – puhleeaaase!

2009-06-22T10:56:00.000+12:00

I cannot believe the difficulty I’m having buying a light box. I suffer from mild SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder (one of the finest acronyms ever invented, in my book, and I am a connoisseur of acronyms). Normally I cope with it by going for a walk every morning. Since walking any significant distance has become a no-no because it knocks me out for the rest of the day, I’ve had to look for other solutions. Apparently the winters in my new home are long and grey, so I thought a light box would be a good idea. My approach to getting happy and staying that way is that ‘every little helps.’ I use lots of different techniques at the same time, working on the theory that the cumulative weight of them will make the positive difference. I’m not interested in finding a magic bullet – in my experience there is no such thing. What I am interested in is proven effective techniques, and lots of them. Even cognitive therapy, without which I would not want to be in the world (and probably would not be), is not enough on its own for `me.

For someone whose depression started later than mine did, or has been less severe or less chronic, one, or even two, techniques would probably be enough. Like exercise and an activity schedule, or meds and cognitive therapy. But I’ve found that I need many more than that to stay in the feeling good zone. Currently I use cognitive therapy, behavioral techniques, diet, St John’s Wort, fish oil (for omega 3 fatty acids), a mix of vitamins and minerals, keeping note of positive things that happen and things I’m looking forward to, social contact and support (a wonderful counselor), a rough activity schedule, savoring, and others. Bright light and exercise are two of my favorites but they are harder to do now that my energy is so limited. Hence the attempt to buy a light box – it may be just enough to give me that extra edge and help me stay in my happy place. Why it’s so difficult to buy one in New Zealand I have no idea. The best offer I’ve had so far is from a company who can ship me one from their Netherlands warehouse. That might be the best I will get. But I will keep on trying to find one closer to home.

It's the weekend!

2009-06-21T10:54:00.000+12:00

I woke up yesterday morning and gradually realised what day it was. Saturday. ‘Yay, it’s the weekend!’ I thought. Which may not seem so unusual except for the fact that I’m off work with a chronic illness and thus every day of the week could potentially be the weekend for me. But I work hard to have a structure and routine in my life despite this. As a teenager I hated the word ‘routine’ – it was too close to words like ‘duty’ and ‘curriculum’ that suggested a whole lot of things I ought to be doing and didn’t want to. It suggested a world of adult responsibility that I wasn’t overly keen to be part of. But coping with my first episode of major depression in my twenties I found that ‘routine’ and ‘schedule’ were words I could grow to love. In fact they might even prove the saving of me.

It started with an activity schedule – an hour by hour list of what I intended to do each day. That helped me get through each day and get better. Then in my thirties I realised that if I incorporated all the techniques I’d learned to reduce depression and build happiness into a daily and weekly routine I was much more likely to use them. Let’s face it – however effective a technique is, it’s not going to be much help if it’s not used. Building things into my routine meant that after a few weeks I started to do them automatically and they became habits. That was the start of happiness becoming my default position.

So these days I try to keep to my normal routine – four work days, Wednesdays off so I never have more than two work days in a row, and weekends to socialise. This week I’ve been working hard to do two hours of writing each morning, then two hours of admin each afternoon, on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. If I can do this it means I can go back to my normal working week of 16 hours. Some days ‘morning’ has ended at 2pm and ‘afternoon’ at 7pm, but most days I achieved my goal. Hence my joy that the weekend is here – I was exhausted. Yesterday I could do what I wanted without a nagging little voice reminding me of things I should do that I’d rather forget. Bliss!